I could write pages and pages.
But let's face it, I have.

I'm ok.
toria

I'm so sorry!

wow. I just had a paradigm shift =p
I'm not going to take back what I said before, or dismiss it, because my heart was in the right place.... mostly... and I'm not going to pretend I was being hypocritical when I wasn't.
But my thinking was still wrong.
I'm so weak. And most of the time I don't even want to be strong. I like being weak because it makes me miserable and gives me something to write about. Isn't that terrible? lol well that's a bit of an exaggeration, I don't LIKE being miserable by any means... but when the fit was upon me, I didn't try to fight it. Partly because I saw no reason to. I'm the only person my misery affects, right?
wrong!
There are so many people around me who know what's going on and who are watching me, my life, how I deal. Not in a bad way - just as a point of reference. They care about me and they're trying to support me.
But they're all younger than me.
That's not a bad thing, of course, it doesn't make them less supportive -
but when they look at my life, and how miserable I am
the only thing they learn is to be afraid of God.
To be afraid that God is going to steamroller their dreams, their lives.
How can I allow myself to set such a bad example?
This is so terrible. I'm not even sure what to do about it, but at least I recognize it now =p John was partly right. Not about spreading out, but about getting support from people who aren't going to be pushed down by my weight.
I may not care about being strong for myself, but really that doesn't matter.
I have to be strong for the people around me.
otherwise, it's like I'm taking a pickaxe to their spiritual lives
and chip, chip, chipping away.
I am so sorry, guys!
Please understand that I may be uncomfortable sometimes, and unhappy sometimes, but honestly I wouldn't have it any other way. I have to appreciate this situation and how it's making me grow, how much it's teaching me.
It may not be fun, but it's right =p and when i watch myself grow, it's kind of cool.
I was worried about glorifying God, and mad because from where I was standing the situation doesn't work. But I was WRONG. The situation doesn't matter. Ever.
I matter.
My attitude matters.
I'm so sorry.
toria
(wow... it took me like, a month to grasp that concept. Smart my foot.)

I'm so confused. I can no longer tell how I am supposed to deal, where you're going with this, what I can expect. What to aim for. I know none of that.
All I know is that I still want to glorify you.
And you're still in control.
But does this really glorify you? It feels strange and uncomfortable. I don't see how it would make anyone praise you.
"hallelujah, those two friends don't speak to each other anymore!"
"praise God, this is so awkward!"
hmph.
sighz. I don't think I have any right to be talking about what glorifies you and what doesn't. Goodness knows I've screwed up enough. I pull enough stupid, ill-advised stunts for three of me. More than enough for one of him, poor guy. But I still want to do this your way, and I still want to make it beautiful, or at least peaceful, even in a fully platonic way =p
having said that, I can grasp the concept that it's not always going to make sense to me. Or anyone else, for that matter. I'm not always going to be ok.
Sometimes i wonder if the whole reason you pulled this was so that I would be forced to depend on you.
Not cool, God! Couldn't you find some other way?
....is my first thought.
But I'm not God, so I don't have to get it. I just have to keep praying. I don't even know what to pray for, that's the level I'm at now. I'm reduced to praying for you to tell me what to pray. Complete and total dependence! w00t
Are you quite finished?
(no)

whoops

i will not put hair clips on my cat's tail
I will not put hair clips on my cat's tail
i will not put hair clips on my cat's tail
i will not put hair clips on my cat's tail

so i was bored tonight =D
toria

trees

it's raining again
i wander in confusion
sometimes I raise hands,
touch a withered branch,
and we dance solemnly,
bitterly,
laughing at the death outside
laughing at the death inside
sometimes i stoop and fall
to the ground
it opens to invite me further
i fill my fists with black soil
it falls over me, spilling from my pale hands
which are small and grasping
and cannot contain it
and i am littered, concealed
with flakes of dark that sooth
as they silence
like the bitten lips that bear witness
to the rain unfallen
sometimes i race them
running blindly, i laugh at their roots
i careen through the snapping, whipping
twigs
or maybe i break them off for sheer pleasure
as i run
faster and swifter, snatching my feet from the ground,
wanting nothing more than to collapse and break
and run no more
but as i wait to be drained i push further,
laughter darting out of me between breaths
and i am caught
i struggle, i twist like a fish to get away
although i want nothing more than to be trapped
helpless
to live my small life and not be forced
to grasp a destiny that is bigger than my whole world
still i push against the branches that enfold me
as i push i am forced up, away from the roots,
away from the earth,
from the rain-spattered leaves i ascend
until i confront the sky
i am massive against it
my eyes are large with exhaustion,
big enough to stare it down.
we contemplate each other
and before its simple beauty i am cowed
i think of my dark, tangled jungle
my clinging earth, my stinging branches,
and the rain, the rain, the eternal rain
i wish to stay here
nestled between its winds and my branches
but that is not enough
i want to escape even these clutches
now,
while the fear is strong in me and i am
unsettled, off balance, for the moment unguarded
now i would make my move and escape
who will take me higher?
when can i go?
or am i to stay here and mourn
the ironical fate, the sardonic onlooker,
who gave me the desire and removed the means?

untitled

i hate you, you know.
I hate the way you have a life
and i have a life
and they run parallel but never coincide.
ever.
I hate the way i hear your voice, your words,
your thoughts,
muffled and hidden as someone repeats them to me.
I hate the way your name evokes a whole train of thought
that once started is immediately out of control
and we tear along faster and faster down until
i fly off the tracks and crash
huddle there, shocked by the pain that
was always there
but most of the time it has a thin veneer of control
stretched over the surface like a web
and sometimes the whole thing shatters,
twists,
breaks through
and i am released into what seems a bottomless lake of pain
i float back up, pass it off as a temporary setback
but what if it's a pattern?
is this the way i'm going to stay, and for how long?
dreading the ascent to calm because of the inevitable plummet
to panic
how many people will i hang up on
so that i can cry in peace?
i hate that you did this to me
i hate that you still matter
even when i don't
i hate that i'm writing yet another sad poem,
damn you,
you could at least inspire some variety.

better =p

so i feel better today =p it only took me two days to recover! w00t. I realized how many friends i DO have =p and more importantly, how many good friendships i have to support me. And I'm satisfied =p so i don't care if anyone else is or not. It seems stupid to judge someone by how many people they eat lunch with. I think a better judge of character might be how many people they pick on =p or build up. So today throughout i just realized that =p that i'm definitely not alone. And i never was. Also, today we did a poem in writer's craft and mine went over really well... which is nice =p although i'm excited to hear everyone else's. I don't understand how people judge poetry. To me, i'm just listening for what you're saying about yourself. I don't care how expressive you get or wether your tone is artistically depressed or poetically cheerful or wether or not you fit in a rhyme scheme and rhythm, or how many unusual words you put in. I just care about what you said about yourself. So i'm sure everyone's poem will blow me away =)
i'll post it when it's done.. here or on my poetry xanga, depending.
toria

it's pointless

i don't know what you were trying to accomplish, maybe nothing. Maybe you were just flexing your muscles, but it worked. I feel stupid. I feel stupid, are you happy now? Now are you going to stop? I feel like a loser, is that enough for you? I feel like it's pointless to eat. I feel like everything i do is going to look stupid to you, and because you're always right, it always will be stupid. i'll never be worthwhile in your eyes. my God, do i really need one more person treating me like i'm worthless? I thought you people grew out of that. But you didn't. You still like putting other people down, it boosts your fragile ego. You don't mean any harm. You just think i should know that my hair is too frizzy, my skin too white, my friends too weird, my voice too country, my clothes too darn conservative. You're willing to help, you'll turn me into a little you anytime i say the word.
But i'm never going to say the word.
It's not because i don't want to. I'd do a lot to make you look at me like i had finally achieved human status. It's just that none of the things you want from me are in my nature. It's just not possible for me to make you happy, though i sincerely wish i could. I'm like this. I have curly hair that doesn't always behave itself, it's true, but i love it anyways. I wear clothing that makes it possible for you to have a few doubts about what's underneath, and i love that too. I have a mind of my own, and sometimes i say things that make no sense, and i love that too. I have a few close friendships instead of lots of less-close friendships, and i love it. When you're not making me feel like a loser because i'm not always surrounded by a crowd. Come to think of it, neither are you. I write stories and poetry, and sometimes i like alone time. And that's who i am, and i just can't change. It's not because i don't want to have loads of friends and get attention for my body and say the right thing instead of my thing - sometimes i want those things. I'll admit that. But it's not in me, i don't work that way. It took me a long time to accept that, and half the time i still don't, but sometimes i don't care wether you've accepted it or not. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you think. And sometimes i think you're the biggest asshole i've ever met, and the fact that you're excellent at pretending to feign all the things that make you popular doesn't change the fact that you're feigning. But none of that matters right now.
Right now i feel very small. I hope that if i become stupid enough and loser-ish enough, i'll just escape your notice altogether. Something to work towards.
toria

impended doooooooooOoOm

well, school is safely started. No going back now. I'm tempted to write a school poem, but, um, i think not. tralalla. I miss runescape already =p i'm such a gamer! it's all jesse's fault. My classes all seem pretty interesting, to make up for their being CLASSES - writer's craft in particular i already love. Except for reading my work =p philosophy and world history are gear courses, which means they're harder than the rest of my humanities because he makes you write a lot and think a lot... but that's ok. I guess. I'm thinking about dropping calculus but I've decided i have too much pride =p chances are i'll drop it eventually, but not before i've failed! muahahhaaa. It occurs me to see if i can work as a tutor. Something to look into.
I want my summer back >< it's so much harder to get out of bed at 7:30 in the morning as opposed to like 10, 11, 12... 3, at one point =D but that was a special case i swear!
I'm resigning myself to a lot of things. Settling back to wasting my time writing pages About Me and scribbling in my agenda - i never pay attention to the actual dates, i just write. Last year I think i finished the last entry mid-march.
I miss the summer. I miss a lot of things.
But it's ok... I know a lot is going to happen this year so I'm excited for that...it's just.. well sometimes we don't understand why everything can't just stay the way it was, instead of getting thrown into turmoil.. but there's always a reason right? Let's hope so, or i'll be very pissed.
I want to WRITE >< soon all the writingness inside of me is going to explode, or something, if i don't start writing... but i have no ideas for a story, except one story that i really don't want to tell because i can't give it an ending yet.
oh well. it'll all work out.

impending doooooom

school is starting >< I'm so scared. This is grade 12! No more room for screwups! I know some people said that back in grade 11, but i was too smart =p so i would hand in stuff late, or not do a few things, or not study for tests just to prove i didn't have to.... but i'm pretty sure i should be more careful this year and i'm scared o.0 also i'm pretty sure i'll be dropping (failing) calculus... and I'm ok with that =p every one of my siblings has dropped calculus. No shame in not being anally math-inclined. SIGHZ. This is my last year with norrice - so weird that we're graduating the same year =p if only we'd known, i could have spent last year NOT being sad. We've got to teach the fat boy not to put my bass in the case backwards - and to loosen the bow!! Who's going to rage at his negligence when i'm gone? Oh man... poor norris puts up with all my crap. and this is my last year with heidi and mel... GUYS come to australia with me! it'll be great =D we'll study by day and scrounge the suburbs for furniture by night. This is my last year with dani and helen... eep... This is my last year with wellman... he's come a long way =p and this is my last year with der... but that's ok, i know you'll make me proud =p if not i'll haunt you! muahahahahem. anyways... i'm so sad that this year is even starting =p when it ends it's going to break my heart BUT LET'S NOT THINK ABOUT THAT. So I've spent the last week carefully preparing myself for the coming ten months of stressful school crap by doing NOTHING. No no, it's true. Nothing at all. It's like I'm hoarding moments of leisure =p so i can think back on them when i'm doing without sleep or formal meals during exam time. Wasting time is a luxury I'm not going to have soon - oh, i'll still waste time, but i'll feel guilty about it instead of revelling in it. School suckssssssssss >< but at least i get to hang out with you guys again... it makes me sad that i barely got to see anyone over the summer (although the sleepover was great =D finally met the famous ebony*that is his name right?*)... not to worry though, now i get to see you every day for the next nine months! yay... hrm. So basically, I'm sad. But then I think of my awesome new yellow umbrella =p yellow things make me happy. So does rain. So a yellow umbrella is like, perfect =D anyways... see y'all tomorrow...