ballad

it seems so cold out here
i'm shivering but not from the frigid air that sweeps across my face,
stealing my tears, hiding my eyes with strands of hair
I'm looking around me but i don't care
about the things i see
they're not what i'm looking for
I'm a small figure on my picnic table, i look like i've been there all my life
i wrap my sweater around me more tightly against the cold that doesn't matter
and this is what i'm thinking
is it cold where you are tonight?
do your dreams get lost when they hit the light?
do you run from your problems, like i run from mine?
or do you stand and face them? do you wish for the time
when the sun starts to rise?
can you wait for the moment when you see it in my eyes?
when the stormclouds gather, will you be here beside
me - i feel so lost sometimes
can't seem to find the end to these lies
i've been searching and searching but i can't find the light
think maybe it's time i gave up on this fight
is it cold where you are tonight?

are you waiting somewhere for me?
sometimes i seem to lose you completely
and then sometimes i can't find a way to be free
from remembering what's to come
feel like i've been waiting so long
like the place where you are is the place i belong
does the time weigh on you, too?
i know they say that i'll find you soon
I should live in the moment, revel in my youth
but tell me, are you close?
I'm tired of all of these shadowy ghosts
I need something that stands up to light
is it dark where you are tonight?

freedom

I fight with everything i have
against the stealing of my liberty
I rail against God, call him a heartNazi, a dictator of the soul
I fight against the boundaries he's given me,
I tell him I have a right to be free
and he asks me, which freedom would you like?
No one's keeping you here in my will
you can leave anytime
the door is right there
walk out, he tells me, dares me
But I know what's outside that door
I don't like it and I'm not going back
I turn from the exit and yell at him again, accuse him of stealing my freedom
and again he asks me, which freedom would you like?
you can be free to control your life now, if you insist
you can leave my will if you insist
but that's never worked out, has it?
or was I imagining those tearful prayers, that repentance?
there's another kind of freedom, he tells me
and it's right here
here, where you're free from your own nature
the one that ruins all your hopes
he reminds me of my own prayers
you told me to come in here, he tells me
you told me to take over your heart
you didn't want it, you didn't want control
hand it over? you practically threw it at me
but don't worry, he says
when I'm done with you you'll be fit to control
when you're free from everything that makes you wrong, makes you hard, makes you impulsive and low,
then you'll be ready to walk back into your heart
and that door will open, too.
He points it out for me.
Choose, he says, there are two doors
one is open to you now; the other will open when the time is right
which freedom would you like?

stick and computers are a bad combination, toria

KIDDING. I did not hit no computer with no baseball bat neither no time, nor did i not want to undo it.
work is slow. heart-stoppingly slow. LEAP UP AND BASH STUPID COMPUTER WITH EQUALLY STUPID PHONE slow.annnnd now it's frozen. perfect.
I dislike this job so much. I hate the grey walls and terrible harsh fluorescent lighting, i hate my grey desk and grey computer, i hate the people i talk to who don't want to talk to me. I hate the clock that doesn't move fast enough, the bright sunny hours that go by when i'm stuck in this remodeled-warehouse BOX without windows. I'm out of here like next week's paycheque, if only.
I still need spending money for europe. The money i bring depends directly on how long i keep this mind-numbing time-stealing job. I COULD quit (without notice, leaving them no choice but to give me a bad reference and thus ruining the only good thing i get out of this (besides clothing =D) -> work experience)and appeal to my parents to provide the money, but let's face it my parents have better things to do with $300, 400 than send it to europe. So I would end up taking about half of that for my last big splurge =( can't have that. So i'm stuck here for about another month, quitting just before we go to europe.
lol and what really bugs me is that all kinds of interesting jobs are popping up now. especially at ec. but i can't go for any of them because 1) i already have a job! and 2) i'm going away for a month in june/july. So i have to wait until i get back. of course.. hopefully all those summer-jobbers will quit, leaving me a nice interesting job where i meet people who aren't annoyed with me. I just want OUT, and it makes it harder because i'm leaving soon and soooo looking forward to it... so now it makes it harder to enjoy my time here, which is what i have to do to stay sane.
three and a half more weeks to go.
so help me.
later

i'll show YOU teaching aids

lol guess what i'm working on? well "working" is a relative term... i finished the notes/overheads/worksheets/hwk assignments/hypothetical projects involved in my chem isp.. now i'm working with toothpicks and foamy thingies, putting together some teaching aids. I have ball-and-stick models of methane, ethane and propane... OH that reminds my i should make a couple space-filling models too.. and now i'm working on demonstrating bond-making and breaking. With more small foamy shapes. w00t.I put another stick of glue in my glue gun and it's... being stupid. I'm hoping it's just not hot yet. Hence the blogging! yay. lol well i'm all shopped out... next time we go on a friday! we can stay until like, night. And mel will have so many shoeboxes they will take up an entire taxi. wow that's pretty cool, some day I want to do that. lol shop so long and buy so much that it fills an entire car. WOW. I guess i'm addicted... which is very sad because i'm quitting my boring job soon, and then i'll have no income and it won't be pretty. Ick. lol but my birthday comes right after that, and then i go away to camp... so it won't be all that bad. I'll find another job in september, hopefully.
I figured out why my glue gun isn't working.
I unplugged it.
WOW march break has made me so smart.

o.0

today the wind blows warm and sweet
i allow my muscles to relax, watch as my guard falls away
i stretch out and prepare to go to sleep,
lulled by the sweet coaxing of the wind
but it picks up before i'm truly gone
the warmth gathers force and threatens to scorch
i look up, startled, looking for a way out
but the wind whips around me, doesn't want to let me go
and all the time it rises and rises, feels like heat from an oven now,
as it threatens to overpower me and
all i want is out
I sneak away, hiding beneath the edge of the wind, hoping it won't notice
breathe a sigh of relief, watch it work itself into a whirlwind and blow away

today the wind blows cold and harsh
I try to reason with it but it won't listen
it flips its fingers through my hair in disgust
runs across my skin, scorning the white colour
picks at my loose clothing
it wishes i was someone else
it wants me to change but I shut my eyes, i won't listen to him
i wish it would go away but it refuses, there are still so many things wrong with me
and it shrieks them at me without stopping for breath
i can feel the chill of its anger but i will not run, i will not change
i stand and face it, open up all its hypocrisies for the world to see,
breathe a sigh of relief as it works itself into a whirlwind
and blows away

ok the randomness stays

lol ty to everyone who reassured me =p i probably wouldn't have changed even if everyone had said it was driving them crazy.. some things just make you happy, and you shouldn't give those up unless they're like, directly responsible for killing someone or something. You know screwtape letters? There's a part where screwtape is like (paraphrased) "at the very least, we want to get this guy to move away from his natural likes and dislikes, and get him onto artificial likes and dislikes that we pick out for him. If we leave him the way he is naturally, that's just one step closer he is to God, who made him the way he is" That's been in and out of my head for days now.. and yeah this whole randomness thing.. it's part of me! and i'm not going to change it =D besides, i take tons of crap from this person who doesn't like it, and the least they can do is suck up my random comments. lol so there! muahaha
kay guys i need to put together a shopping list for the 17th (dani are you coming?) lol this way i can avoid spending most of my money on things i didn't come for. I'm so terrible at that.
1. silk scarves (or other springish scarves) lol as much as i love my nice warm knit scarves, they just won't look right in april. So i have to restock =p
2. CDS!! dashboard confesional, modest mouse, casting crowns if i can find it which i doubt, the new greenday album...
3. spring tops! i found these really pretty cotton blouses at rw n co, my favourite out-of-my-price-range store EVER.. and now i'm hooked and i need more.
4. shoesssss (mel can help me here =p) i need a pair of shoes i can wear to work.. that aren't too worklike since i'm QUITTING lol and these shoes can probably double for school since mine are literally falling apart. My whole attitude is that if pca is going to stick me in this ugly uniform, they can darn well make makeup mandatory if they want me to try to look good wearing the whole weird blouse-skirt ensemble. BUT my shoes look terrible and i don't like them. So i'm making an exception. Yes, a boring exception, i know... but i already have those funky green sneakers! what more could i ask for?
5. Jeans.. why? no reason. I must have five or six pairs. i think i have a jean fetish.
6. at some point i should renew my makeup.. tis all old and y'know, not cool. lol but makeup is borrinngggg and i'd much rather spend that money on scarves. Or belts.
ok i think that's everything... yep it probably is. Except for belts.. belts are like jeans. I don't really need more.. but i can't stop buying them =p
can't wait =D mel! secret plan! muahahhahhhaha*koff*
later

question

hey guys um i have a question for you... does my randomness annoy people? because apparently some people have a problem with it... and i don't really want to get on anyone's nerves =p so let me know, kay? be honest..

call me beautiful

they tell me i'm beautiful
i snatch their words, examine them, knock them together to hear them ring
but the truth is not in them
though it may be true
i toss the words away in disgust, move on
but i wish that you would call me beautiful
i dare you to say it
i'll tell you everything you need to know
i'll open up and show you the me that no one gets to see
because no one looks
and when you've seen and heard everything
when you look at me and you see me for who i am,
when your glance goes not from the top down
but from the outside in,
when you can handle the light and the shadows,
the beauty and the ugliness,
then i wish that you would call me beautiful
and i'll snatch your words, examine them, knock them together to hear them ring
and maybe
just maybe
the truth will be in them