#87

we had an evanescent glow towards the end,
a sense of things fading, coming to an end,
even though i firmly believed
they would not.
I never would have thought it would come to this,
i would have laughed at the person
who dared tell me
that for a year i would learn about your smile,
and your eyes,
and your footsteps
that i would settle into this friendship
and that i would think i was safe
only to be abruptly jolted from
my place,
erased
like a mistake
and that i would hurtle through
a universe of bitterness and memory
arriving breathless here
so well acquainted with
the back of your head
the heels of your shoes.
i have mastered the art of the bittersweet smile
i have burrowed into your head and run away,
having discovered that your perspective was
sadder than mine.
I have been triumphant, deposed but not defeated,
secure still in your heart
and i have been a forgotten little girl, pathetic,
curled in a corner watching your world fly past
as mine comes to a whispering, whimpering halt.
I have climbed into the problem and lived inside of it,
i have risen above and soared, disinterested,
pitying your terrestrial plodding.
we had an evanescent glow towards the end,
did you feel it too?

finally

ok... i think it's time to put this aside, very carefully, not forgetting it or abandoning it... but setting it aside. Because God has other things in mind for me this coming year, the year after... maybe even the year after that... and this thing has been taken as far as it can go for now, I'm exhausted with dealing with it.

well

hey guys... sorry for those last few cryptic posts... although to some people, they weren't very cryptic. Which is nice. lol I don't feel I have to explain anything... I will be asked who I like, and what happened to that guy, enough times in the coming year.. regardless of how many people I tell now. Besides... this is all still so unclear. I know next to nothing about the situation, really. If it sounds like I know more, it's because I'm smart.. and because not everything remains as secret as it sometimes should. All I understand is that something happened, and now everything is changed. I know that somewhere, there must be a line between me and him. Somewhere there is a barrier that one or both of us has to refuse to cross. but I don't know where it is... I search for the differences in our friendship now and our friendship before... and I am hard pressed to define the thing that's missing. I know it's gone, or carefully restrained, or hidden away somewhere... this thing... but I can't find a word for it. Is it as simple as comfort? Are we now stiff around each other? Or is it the fact that we are both so watchful, constantly aware? It's like we move in circles around each other, watching the other's movements, careful to get neither too far nor too close. It's hard to say which extreme we lean more towards. There's more. I know there is.... but I can't define it. It's just different. More distant, more careful, twice or three times as restrained, a friendship with walls. It disgusts me sometimes. It seems like a mockery of what we had just three weeks ago. It seems not worth doing... but then, of course, I realize that if this is what it means, now, to be friends with him... then this is what it means. And I know I will resign myself to it, ever watchful for signs that the old friendship still exists somewhere... that it's not dead. I know I will cut down on my references to old inside jokes, old catchwords... I know I will eventually stop caring what I look like around him, and I can't wait. It will get easier for him as I settle down. As for me... it's not going to get easier for me. He's not as unstable as I am =p the way he is now is likely the way he intends to be for awhile. And I'll accept that too, just like I've accepted everything so far, sickened and impressed by my ability to bow this far to his will. I hate it! This isn't me! There's a difference between submitting and being overpowered... and this isn't the kind of submission I'm comfortable with. I do it because I'm blindfolded here, I know nothing, and this is the only way I can think of to make things easier on him. But i'm beginning to hate myself. This isn't me. Sometimes I don't give a crap what hurts him, what he's comfortable with.. sometimes I'm tempted to break all of my own rules and show him that I'm not completely spineless yet. But I'm too smart for that, too damn nice. I could ruin everything with my little mutiny, and then I would never forgive myself. But sometimes I don't care about that either, too reckless for my own good. sighz.. this is very complicated. It only begins with him. I hate that he asks this of me, that he needs this of me... that i'm helping him live with a decision that was forced on me without my knowledge or input. I don't want to make it easier on him... but I do. I wish I was stupid or completely insensitive, so I would be no help to him... but then of course I wouldn't be in this mess, would I? not to worry... I'm off to camp for a few days, to bury my varied and neurotic feelings in convincing small children to stop inciting each other to mutiny. Maybe this time I'll encourage them =D

an interesting turn of the tide

I expected the aloofness and distance to continue forever... for the whole of this ordeal. But it occurs to me that that might not be the plan. In fact from what I hear, it's NOT the plan. Which is, in a way, harder for me to take. When you turn into Iceberg Man, I know where I stand. As far as possible from you. It's very simple. My only response to seeing you is to get away. This thawing on your part complicates things. I have to take your lead on this.. and that irks me =p i'm tired of taking your lead. But this isn't the time or the place to make a stand. I thought I wanted to break away from the role of following what you want, devoting all of my much-praised quick thinking and sensitivity to doing precisely what you need me to do. I thought I wanted to make you suffer, watch you squirm. But I couldn't ignore the fact that you HAVE suffered and squirmed, and to put you through more is just cruel. So I'm back to adapting to the situation, to the subtle spins you place on it. And it's harder now... you seem to want friendship, which is good, losing that would kill. So it's a question of making sure that we have only as much friendship as we can handle without taking it too far. Wherever that point is, in your mind. But then I have to reconcile my own doubts and questions. I don't want a friendship that's more of a duty - I don't want your friendship in order to benefit the group, or to prevent hurting unity. I want you to want my friendship for its own sake. for my sake.

veritas

i'm afraid it will hurt you to see this, but you once told me not to hide.

i miss you
it breaks my heart
watching you
i used to be able to
glance and look away
secure in our connection
now i can't see enough
i wish i could stand and
watch you
admiring all the things i never noticed
all the things i love about you
it kills me that i have to go
it kills me that it will kill you
but there's no other way for me
soon it'll be over
and we will be strangers
i will look at you and see
none of your strength, your calm,
your integrity.
I will see a boy, like anyone else,
all of the inner discoveries hidden from me,
the curtain swept back into place,
nothing special.
Maybe you hold nothing for me, only
the promise of more pain
and the memories of a stunning friendship
that vanished overnight,
(or did it just go underground?)
vanished like
some sick magic trick
but it's real
oh, it's real
i can tell from the cries of protest
in my heart
slowly, gently,
breaking

blue

although I must say
the sunset was exquisite that night
as I looked out to the lake,
itself a wistful shade of dusky blue,
the sky matched it perfectly
so that there was no difference
between water and sky
and I could have swam my way
into the clouds
had I been so inclined
the sun was gone then,
leaving only a pink warmth along
the horizon
but the clouds were breathtaking
every pearly, dusky, muted shade of blue
and pink
shaded in with the skillful certainty
of an artist of the highest order
scattered on the canvas in pure Abstract
and you took me out of myself
as I plodded along the sand
flipflops dangling from my fingers
you drew me up into the sky
in graceful meditation
and comforted me one more time
in the thought: if you can make a cloud
into a work of art
how much more will you do with me?

compilation

hey guys.. this is going to be a weird poem, I was in a playful mood so each stanza has a slightly different rhythm and rhyme scheme. Enjoy anyways =p

I grieve for the song that
I can't write just yet
and I grieve for the poetry
that will remain in my head as I
mourn for the passing of
the friendship that was
still
I wait as the sun starts to rise

this light will not shine twice and
this life would not suffice
so we'll journey through life
chasing songs, chasing songs,
searching for the light as I go
keep an eye out for me as you go

i'll sing a sojourner's song
for a stranger who longs
to be settled with me
but the spellbound is free
and I hear as he's carried along
that he's humming a travelling song

smile for me, if you think of me
i'll be wandering happily
just passing through
as i follow my song
pray for me, if you feel like it
if you need me, you know where i am
look for me, i'll be there
still
and i'll sing as the sun starts to rise

#54

the pathos of cold skin
reminds me of the last time I
danced in the rain