well

hey guys... sorry for those last few cryptic posts... although to some people, they weren't very cryptic. Which is nice. lol I don't feel I have to explain anything... I will be asked who I like, and what happened to that guy, enough times in the coming year.. regardless of how many people I tell now. Besides... this is all still so unclear. I know next to nothing about the situation, really. If it sounds like I know more, it's because I'm smart.. and because not everything remains as secret as it sometimes should. All I understand is that something happened, and now everything is changed. I know that somewhere, there must be a line between me and him. Somewhere there is a barrier that one or both of us has to refuse to cross. but I don't know where it is... I search for the differences in our friendship now and our friendship before... and I am hard pressed to define the thing that's missing. I know it's gone, or carefully restrained, or hidden away somewhere... this thing... but I can't find a word for it. Is it as simple as comfort? Are we now stiff around each other? Or is it the fact that we are both so watchful, constantly aware? It's like we move in circles around each other, watching the other's movements, careful to get neither too far nor too close. It's hard to say which extreme we lean more towards. There's more. I know there is.... but I can't define it. It's just different. More distant, more careful, twice or three times as restrained, a friendship with walls. It disgusts me sometimes. It seems like a mockery of what we had just three weeks ago. It seems not worth doing... but then, of course, I realize that if this is what it means, now, to be friends with him... then this is what it means. And I know I will resign myself to it, ever watchful for signs that the old friendship still exists somewhere... that it's not dead. I know I will cut down on my references to old inside jokes, old catchwords... I know I will eventually stop caring what I look like around him, and I can't wait. It will get easier for him as I settle down. As for me... it's not going to get easier for me. He's not as unstable as I am =p the way he is now is likely the way he intends to be for awhile. And I'll accept that too, just like I've accepted everything so far, sickened and impressed by my ability to bow this far to his will. I hate it! This isn't me! There's a difference between submitting and being overpowered... and this isn't the kind of submission I'm comfortable with. I do it because I'm blindfolded here, I know nothing, and this is the only way I can think of to make things easier on him. But i'm beginning to hate myself. This isn't me. Sometimes I don't give a crap what hurts him, what he's comfortable with.. sometimes I'm tempted to break all of my own rules and show him that I'm not completely spineless yet. But I'm too smart for that, too damn nice. I could ruin everything with my little mutiny, and then I would never forgive myself. But sometimes I don't care about that either, too reckless for my own good. sighz.. this is very complicated. It only begins with him. I hate that he asks this of me, that he needs this of me... that i'm helping him live with a decision that was forced on me without my knowledge or input. I don't want to make it easier on him... but I do. I wish I was stupid or completely insensitive, so I would be no help to him... but then of course I wouldn't be in this mess, would I? not to worry... I'm off to camp for a few days, to bury my varied and neurotic feelings in convincing small children to stop inciting each other to mutiny. Maybe this time I'll encourage them =D