heidi's blog

oh, honey. How do you do these crazy opening-up posts? I pride myself on being open and I can't do half the things you do.
ok, ok, ok. Deep breaths, songstress. I can see now how it might be really frustrating to have people post stuff like "stop thinking of yourself as a horrible person! you're a wonderful person!" which is pretty much what I was going to comment. So i shall not. But I CAN volunteer to be that person who keeps you accountable, yes? lol just a suggestion. Of course, 'someone who understands' .. well you would have to enlighten me first, if you want true understanding. But I think i get the picture. All I can offer in the way of help is something God taught me about change. (funny you should mention leslie ludy =p i just ordered that book)
I used to feel really damaged and messed up, as well, in a different way. But it was also quite depressing. You know about all those relationships I've been in, and out of... then in again.. then out of again.. well yeah. After awhile you just feel... kind of stretched and shapeless, like a rubber band that's been pulled too far. And you know about the harassment thing... well yeah in general I just felt damaged. Like I couldn't be new, or fresh, or even fully functional, in relationships anymore. After curt I plummeted into this dark, depressed state where I blamed everything on me. I wanted to believe that i was a terrible girlfriend. I wanted to believe that i deserved that pain and confusion. I had this vicious desire to torment myself and come down on myself, to this day i don't know why. I just couldn't get out of it, sometimes i didn't want to get out of it. And even functioning day to day.. i have problems bonding with friends.. I have issues with trust, with commitment, with depression. I can be very depressing too =p I have issues with self-image.. most of the time I'm ok with my body but sometimes i just absolutely hate it. I wish i could claw off all of the fat.. i scare myself sometimes, when i get in that mood. I have days where i just avoid mirrors. ANYWAYS. Awhile ago I was so down that I just couldn't understand how God could ever heal all of my wounds. Nothing was working. Me, the great independent toria, I couldn't do anything to help myself. Aaron had just decided he'd had enough of my depression and neediness, clearly friends weren't the answer. I felt so, so, helpless and trapped inside my own warped psyche.
And then I remembered God.
When I got home, I picked up the first bible i saw and read this verse - Acts 2:25-27
"David said about him:
" 'I saw the Lord always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
26Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will live in hope,
27because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
28You have made known to me the paths of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence.'"
That's all I've got for you this time. I can't argue with anything you've said. I have to agree with it, because you said it and you should know. But 1) i can help if you want me to =p and 2)God can change all of that. Somehow he transformed me from someone who just couldn't stop herself from getting into relationships... to someone who is looking at waiting YEARS. lol I'm not saying "look at me! I'm perfect!" because I'm so totally not... I just want to give you hope that God can change you, even when nothing else is working, even when you're scared to death that you'll never escape from yourself. lol but i must warn you, he likes to work slowly =p and he likes to work from the inside out. So once you pray to him to change your heart, it might be months, years before you realize that he's slowly, gradually changed things that you didn't even realize he was working on.
as for husbands and boyfriends... refer to my list of 17 Top Reasons You Don't Need A Stinky Old Boyfriend Anyway. I know all of that is hard to remember when you're lonely... i really do. I know loneliness =p but... well... dahhh. Toria has nothing to say. But i love you =p even after reading your blog and absorbing every word. Unconditional love is my gift =p usually it backfires but you're not a boyfriend so i think i'm safe :D
toria