bye guys

so this is probably the last post i'll do before europe... unless i get one in tomorrow. We'll see how it goes. So i'll just ramble about everything going on in my life now... just because i can! muahaha... so if you're missing me... have fun reading this =p
Emotionally.... well i'm a little breathless.. or i should be, i just had the most dramatic 24 hours ever in the world. It was terrible. And then it wasn't. But I wrote more about that in the previous posts =p. All i can say is that i'm relieved that i can stop stressing. It was really tough sometimes. Uncertainty is my definition of hell. And yes, irene, you were right. crap, i'm going to have to tell irene she was right =p oh dear. I wonder how much she'll rub it in. I have to figure out what to tell her. Everything is different from the way she thinks it is, but she might not necesarily like that difference... well she'll definitely want to know the truth, so I guess it's best to be straightforward. I'm tired but happy, and after i adapt to this... everything will go back to normal minus the stress. =p
spiritually... well i don't know if this counts but i forgot to tell my youth group i was going to europe. i hope they don't assassinate me. Enough people know that they can tell everyone else relatively quickly. I hope. They might be kind of mad at me. It IS two weeks. God-wise... well, he's been really involved in my life this year, which is awesome... lately i've been getting a little lax though, i should catch up with him. Maybe europe will help with that. We're having "gottesdienst" (worship) every night. At least i think it means worship. Something to do with God. Who writes stuff on an itinerary in dutch?? I don't even know if that is dutch! makes no sense >.<
so i keep staring at this plane letter beside me. SO tempted to read it... no one would know.. but no. Must not. lol wow i'm going to miss everyone at school.. but i'll be back soon! i promise =p
well i have to go pack.
bye guys.

aboutface

so everything has changed. Remind me never to misinterpret EVER again.
I'm uber-happy. And relieved. And a touch apprehensive for the future.
but mostly happy....
i'll explain for those of you who have been following the drama.
most heart-stopping 24 hours EVER.
six. six unanimous pop can tabs.
hee.

later

hejjo

blow

can't breathe
i need, i need
resolution
and i have it and it is not what i want
the tears are flowing down my face, it
mystifies me how they can keep coming
and i have nothing left
i cannot feel it
i'm grateful for that
but still waiting for the moment when the impact hits
and i will fall again
and again, and again
i still feel unresolved
there remains so much to say
and hear
but none of it will be what i wish for
and most of it will hurt
i have forgiven already
already leaping to my attacker's defence
loyalty as always, aggravating in its endurance
i wish i could snap and fall away
but i know i'm stronger than this
which only means that there is no longer a way out
i need, i need
someone to talk to
but there is no one who understands everything
except the person who understands too much
it's not your fault
no worries

europe

so in three days at this time i'll be on my way to the airport. the AIRPORT.
I still don't know quite what to make of this trip. Is it missions? Is it music? Is it mussions? Who knows. But Mr. Philip has been telling us all this week that we ARE missionaries, wether or not we go to exotic countries or minister to cannibals. So is this trip a missions trip? I say it is. The people are christians, the music is christian (esp. fideles), the testimonies are christian. Are we building houses and planting churches? Maybe not. Will we make a difference? Absolutely, especially if we have the right attitude. I know people all along have been seeing this as a free trip to europe. (First off it's NOT free) Well if that's how they see it, that's precisely what they'll get. And I don't envy them. My trip will simply be much more meaningful than theirs. It does irritate me that they've attached themselves to this and are bringing it down with their attitudes... but those are their issues. Not mine.
I'm really excited. I can't wait to see so many new things, play music for people I've never seen before, talk to all these new people... And yes, I'm looking forward to seeing europe. I see nothing wrong with that. It's beautiful.
later

i'll miss you

i need to pack my suitcase one of these days
it glares at me from its place on my floor
it laughs as i trip on my way to the door
i'm getting through this last time in a daze
and i hate myself for being so vulnerable
so out-of-sorts, under the weather,
so tempted to bend from the iron will i'm holding myself under
will you miss me when i'm gone?
because i'll miss you
i know everyone has stuff to do, insanely busy lives to carry on with
and i'm glad that i won't be here to interfere but
will you miss me when i'm gone?
thirteen days is a long time
is it long enough to show you what i am to you?
or just long enough to show you what i'm not?
i'm so tempted to reach out and leave you reminders of me
to keep my place open so i can slip back in when i return
but i have to be stronger than that, i won't allow it
and if i do, then know that there was a monumental battle of wills inside me
and the villain won
and those reminders are bitter signs of my defeat at my hands
because that is what they will mean to me
i will not be clingy and dependent again
because i will not get hurt again.

Five. Five unanimous pop can tabs.
Is this someone's idea of a joke?

later

http://img11.echo.cx/my.php?image=hello1bf.png

hejjo

ok so one day I was sitting in my boring job, journaling on scrap paper. But you know me, when I journal it gets uber-personal and I didn't want anyone else to read it. So I wanted to disguise my writing so it wouldn't look like english - not create a secret language, necessarily, just a good disguise for english =p and I was like 'what if i write the letters THIS way?' and gradually it developed into my secret language which is called hejjo because when i taught it to heidi (who has her own secret language! w00t) she tried to write hello and wrote hejjo instead.lol I KNOW, the whole thing sounds very weird. But we were very bored. Heidi developed hers in science class =p. Now we have to teach hejjo and jello to mel =p heidi's is jello, because when she taught it to me I tried to write hello and wrote jello.
Now I just have to wait for her to upload it to my blogger and we can write notes in code! w00t. I know, sounds so 6th grade. well. I have nothing to say to that.
SO the popcan gods are against me. Do you guys know that pop tab thing? Where you bend it and say the alphabet at the same time,and the letter the tab comes off on is the first letter of the name of the person you're going to marry? Anyone else do that? I learned it in like, elementary school. And never stopped. lol but I keep getting the same letter! Why? What's going on? Popcan gods, why do you mock me?
later

prose this time

ok so i'm a bit tired of poetry-ing. Besides i'd write a very boring poem. There's nothing much happening in my life and it feels SO good. But that doesn't mean there aren't still issues around me. lol they're everywhere, practically circling me, and i know someday soon they're all going to simultaneously blow up in my face. But that day is not today.
I had a not-in-control crisis a couple of weeks ago. Everything came to a head and I freaked and started babbling about moving to bc, just to escape the situations that i don't control... when i calmed down i felt the same way, but more rational and less impulsive. But still edgy, impatient, still trying to get in control.
i feel much more peaceful now. I know it's only temporary, and that soon I'll have a control crisis ALL OVER AGAIN... but that time is not now. As of this second, i'm content.

irene's song

falling apart
her complacency is shattered
her life is in tatters
i thought we could handle it until

suddenly everything just falls apart
suddenly she's fumbling her way through the dark
suddenly i'm reaching but she's way too far
is there nothing i can do?

walls going up
they muffle my voice as i
question her choices,
but she's too far gone now

i wish that i could get through to her now
i wish i could help her through it somehow
i wish i could break through these walls she's allowed
to build up but there's nothing i can do

swamped in helplessness
i'm tired of trying
to startle her out of herself
and she's so far away now

i know that when she's alone, you're still beside her
i know when she needs to talk, you can talk to her
we have to use you if we want to help her
there's still nothing i can do