i'll miss you

i need to pack my suitcase one of these days
it glares at me from its place on my floor
it laughs as i trip on my way to the door
i'm getting through this last time in a daze
and i hate myself for being so vulnerable
so out-of-sorts, under the weather,
so tempted to bend from the iron will i'm holding myself under
will you miss me when i'm gone?
because i'll miss you
i know everyone has stuff to do, insanely busy lives to carry on with
and i'm glad that i won't be here to interfere but
will you miss me when i'm gone?
thirteen days is a long time
is it long enough to show you what i am to you?
or just long enough to show you what i'm not?
i'm so tempted to reach out and leave you reminders of me
to keep my place open so i can slip back in when i return
but i have to be stronger than that, i won't allow it
and if i do, then know that there was a monumental battle of wills inside me
and the villain won
and those reminders are bitter signs of my defeat at my hands
because that is what they will mean to me
i will not be clingy and dependent again
because i will not get hurt again.

Five. Five unanimous pop can tabs.
Is this someone's idea of a joke?

later