one only

silence is scarier than anything you could say.
I know something's up.
please, please talk to me.

i can be brave too

Heyy. Well I decided heidi's post was very brave... and also, apparently, very therapeutic. So.. I shall try it. not to be a biter. Cuz I'm not special enough to get all that feedback =p
Insecurity #1: friends. I love you guys, you know who you are. But I'm bad at friendships. Sometimes i just assume I don't really have friends, just nice people who are willing to hang out sometimes. And that's not cool because then I treat you that way, and distance myself without meaning to. Silly toria. I've ruined a lot of friendships, and given up on them when things got tough, or pushed people away because they hurt me. I lost people i never wanted to lose. So those of you that are left are really valuable to me =p So yeah.. spending time with you, and stuff, is my way of reaching back out. I'm sorry i'm so dysfunctional. It'll get better I promise =p
Insecurity #2: hmm. This is difficult. If it's guys, then it can't be that in the same way it was with heidi. Because I'm not in her situation right now. But.. there are still issues. Like... if you really want something, and it seems to be within your grasp... even THEN you still have to be ready to hand it over to God and let him do whatever he wants, when he asks you for it. We have dubbed the process "being hit over the head". And it's scary. And it's going to keep happening. All of the things I put on the list on heidi's blog are things i struggle with... or would, if I was in a relationship. Time. Money.
Especially alone time. lol I need a lot of time to myself.... I don't really know why. Somtimes I need to write. Sometimes i need to think. Sometimes i just need to not have anyone else around me. Would a boyfriend understand that? Would I still even want to voice my need for that?And yeah.. well for me I can get really stressed about stuff. I might misinterpret stuff that's said to me, or even someone's body language. And I don't want to get stressed out with that person. But the closer you get to someone, the more ability they have to hurt you. Even if they don't want to.
I'm not really worried. Just yeah. See? See how dysfunctional I am? Ohman...
Insecurity #3: guys you know what... this really isn't a blog I can do right now. I'm sure i have insecurities but they are not making themselves known =p I can't list them and talk about them.
Pray for me.

back

hey guys.. sorry i haven't updated in awhile. Well there's not much to say, stuff in my life is proceeding as normal, and I don't have the time or solitude I need to write a good poem, even though I want to.
So i will use one of heidi's =p
waiting here for you

standing on a street corner let life pass me by
standing on a street corner let love pass me by
can't imagine the day i find you
can't imagine the day that i won't stand here anymore

*as i wait i will write you a love song
'bout the journey i took to find you
as i wait i will sing this sweet love song
until my day my dreams come true
i'll be waiting here for you

lovers pass right by me as i still wait here
others burst out laughing as i dry my tears
can't imagine the day you'll be here
can't imagine the day that i won't stand here anymore

as i wait i believe God will send you
every night i send prayers up to heaven for you
i believe that there will be that day
but for now i'll just let God lead the way

thanks heidi =p
we MUST get together.
I NEED to go shopping. Or see a movie. Or eat.
and TALK.
anything, really. I miss you guys.
toria

i don't GET IT

God, what the heck? What is going on with you? Why do you keep doing this to me?
You took Candy, you took lilian, and now you want irene? why do you keep taking my friends as fast as i make them? Is that what you want? for me to be alone?
I just don't understand. i thought you wanted the best for me but how can this be the best? why do i always have to be alone? Why do you keep giving me these people and then snatching them away? explain yourself! I accepted it once.. even twice... but this is just too much. I don't know what you expect from me. I thought I knew you. I think there's still faith and love in here somewhere, but i don't know where and I'm too angry to look. I just can't do this anymore. I can't keep reaching out to people and losing them to YOU when you move them where you see fit. So this time when you do your whole mysterious-will-of-God thing, i won't be ready to try again. I won't be picking up any pieces. Don't you understand how much I needed each and every one of them?
I know you understand.
I'm sure this will all work out for the best but don't you see how much this hurts?Why do you keep doing this to me? Well i'm not nearly angry enough, or crazy enough, to leave you because of this... although I don't know when i'll be able to continue. But I just can't keep reaching out. Not after all of this. No more bonds, God, I can't handle it when you break them.
toria

today

today is a day when i can sit and just be
smile for me
all the people I
haven't seen since
the last time I was serene,
smiling quietly and

today is a day when I can sit and just write
no more fights,
hell is gone and I smile for the moment
that I have before the storm
comes at me again but

+ i'm not scared,
i'm not lonely,
just quietly thinking cuz
i'm not tense,
i'm not searching
for today
this today
just today is a day when i'm free

today is a day when i can sit and just see
silently
as i admire the quiet beauty
of my friends and their lives
of my God and His plans
of the pure blue of the sky and

be me
be who I can be
find this person inside
who speaks with a voice that's not mine
anymore but i'm listening hard and.. +

yeah. have fun heidi =)
OH. happy birthday to me =D

+

Retractus.

last night

last night my world toppled
and struggled back to its feet
last night the breath got knocked out of me
and seeped back in
last night all the light left me
but I found a needlepoint of hope
and the shoulder to be pushed away
is the one i cried on
and it's all His fault
just like it's all his fault
and it's all my fault.
last night I thought I was lost in fear and despair
but all the time I never left His love.
I didn't want to help you
but I couldn't let you do it alone.
God's time.
God's glory.
God's grace.
and it will be all I can do to make it through the hours
without breaking down
but you won't see that
i'll smile for you, even if you can't watch me
because i would rather lie to everyone else
than burden you with the truth.

glorifying God

so I realized I want to add something to the last post I did... five minutes ago =p this is from an email I wrote (back and forth and back and forth).
"... so i was sitting in sociology. And we were talking about what it is that you get up for every morning. what's your mission in life type of deal =p and i was thinking "to glorify God" which is pretty cool cuz that's usually not the first thing that hits me. And then I realized something about my life. Especially this part of it. It's not enough to have a life that "could" glorify God, or tht glorifies God sometimes, or in some ways. And it wouldn't be enough to have a relationship, any relationship, that glorified God sometimes, or in some ways... that glorified God just enough to justify its own existence. It would have to be started and sustained by that desire, and by the knowledge that not only would it glorify God, but it would glorify him better than being alone would. Just a thought. From sociology =D"
that's my new aspiration guys.
toria

arrgh

hey guys.. sorry to interrupt my europe trip updates (giving up on those.. tho i might scan in some pictures.) I know i haven't blogged in my usual 24 hours =p but I was uber busy writing my english isp essay and scraping together a presentation which .. hopefully went ok. Luckily I know the book inside and out =p Well that's pretty much all i have to do now except for reviewing for the chem test on friday. Which I had moved up so I could drive to GOSHEN!! yayyyy.....for those who don't know, goshen is in indiana.. roughly a 9-hour drive. w00t. And i celebrated 11:11 last night for the first time in awhile =p i really missed that. Among other things. WELL I'm sitting in spare (not work) and i don't have much else to say.
Three weeks until school insanity ends.
Two months until church insanity begins =p
Nine days until my BIRTHDAY!
three weeks and nine days until i lose my teasing priveleges
Two days until goshen.
Eight days until school madness hits again!
later

hungary

so i forgot last time if i blogged about my global vision. Dealie. Don't think so.
Well... by the time we got to romania my voice was crap, so i couldn't sing in our first worship session. So I just sat there and listened to the songs. And one of the thoughts that came to me when I was sitting there... well it was kind of a wordless concept but i'll translate it for you.
There is a revival going on in my church. A big one. It's quite exciting.
Jones thinks toronto is undergoing a revival.... and if you listen to him talk about it, it does sound exciting.
but I suddenly saw how God was planning not just a church revival, not just a city revival, but a GLOBAL revival, and he was using our trip as one tiny puzzle piece, one tiny wheel in his plan to get things moving in europe. And for one second I saw my tiny place in the tiny part of his gigantic plan, and it was amazing.
Hungary was beautiful, old, and uneventful. We performed in a church or two. I bought some scarves.
later

so i'm back

hey guys... so i'm back. TIRED beyond all belief... but happy. CUZ i'm back. lol i made some new friendz0rs... and generally had an awesome time which would take TOO long to talk about so i'll do it in little installments.
Starting with romania - it was the poorest country we were in, but all the more gratifying because of that. And the flocks of sheep stopping traffic as they move across the road were funny.
We stayed up for 30 hours straight - teachers didn't want to let us sleep cuz it would further screw with our sleep clock dealies.
We playe din the philharmonic and SUCKED cuz it was our first performance. We got better. I promise. It was just embarassing cuz that day we had gone to an arts school and turns out they were all coming to the concert. These are some seriously talented instrumentalists. AND we sucked. w00t.
that's all that sticks out about romania, except the stupid lei that we exchanged our euros into and then didn't spend most of, so we all got stuck with like 50,000 lei which i think translates into like, two dollars canadian. Hee.
that's all i can remember about romania.
later.
p.s i hear the grade 11s are having an uber revival. I want to be there for it.
really later.