i will take breaths, deep ones.
I will breath in
heart quickening, aching,
expanding and reaching for the unattainable,
maybe a tear or two will fall.
i will be angry, frustrated
with the frustration of desires deferred.
and the pain will rise with me, slowly,
like hands rising against walls
and i will allow it this time
because then i will breathe out
and all of the tension, the tears,
everything i want
that stabs me with its unreality
all of my gut reactions
and most of the smiles, for a time
will leave me, i will exorcise them
along with the bruises on my heart
breathe them out simply,
like exhaling poison.
I will do this again, and again
i will inhale and dredge up
exhale and expel out
one, then the other
again and again
I will do it until there is nothing left,
i will do it every time i catch the clock
mocking me with its typical
bland, piercing factuality
(what an unfortunate choice of symbols -
there's one every twelve hours)
every time aluminum pop cans
gang up on me
every time my mind plays tricks
when i'm helplessly asleep
every time i feel a twinge
or a flicker
or the rustle of growing hope
i will dredge up, sigh out
until nothing remains,
until nothing remains.
i am punching in codes
one after the other
waiting patiently
for one solution to work
hoping someday there will be bright lights,
encouraging noises, a release
and i will make it through.
So
I will take breaths, deep ones.
I will breathe.
Solve you that way.

You know what I want?
A pet duck.

hrm

I can't stay. Can I?
I lasted so much longer than I thought I was going to. I should have switched halls months ago, quit the band months ago. But I stayed.
And now my strength is worn thin.
This is the kind of pain that gnaws, silent, wears you down.
It wore down my happiness.
It wore down my resolutions.
It wore down my anger.
It wore down my spirit.
And now all I want to do is get out from under it before I shatter
and offload onto everyone who happens to be around when it happens.
I can see nightmarish confrontations, shouting matches, tearful retreats, more pain, more pain, more pain.. collapses, bursts, until I'm drained and nothing.
I'm almost there, I think. Although I've thought that before - and when the breakdown came it was intense and unexpected.
I just... don't understand how this is going to improve unless something changes. I think it might suffice to just take a few weeks.. time enough to forget a voice, a face, idiosyncracies, time to lose this intuition I have when it comes to him, that takes his actions and gestures and effortlessly extrapolates his thoughts, his life, from them.
Time to forget.
Time to take us and put in a huge wedge of distance in between
and I can be comfortable, safely on my side, unknown, unknowing.
that's what i want.
And i don't know how to get it.
Is it wrong to want that?
would it be wrong to try for it?
I'm so tired and worn. My happiness faded, short-lived before this invincible pain.. It outlasts, outwits, outplays. I'm wearing down, I can feel it and see it. i don't have much time left, i think, to do something decisive and bold.
I think we're narrowing, being driven towards a bold and decisive moment... maybe it will happen silently, ashamed of itself, in obscurity and quiet voices. Maybe it will blaze and burn, loud and uncomfortably bright. Maybe I'll control it.. maybe not. But I think it's coming. I think so.

Your Personality Is

Guardian (SJ) You are sensible, down to earth, and goal oriented. Bottom line, you are good at playing by the rules. You tend to be dominant - and you are a natural leader. You are interested in rules and order. Morals are important to you. A hard worker, you give your all at whatever you do. You're very serious, and people often tell you to lighten up. In love, you tend to take things carefully and slowly. At work, you are suited to almost any career - but you excel in leadership positions. With others, you tend to be polite and formal. As far as looks go, you are traditionally attractive. You take good care of yourself. On weekends, you tend to like to do organized activities. In fact, you often organize them!

The Three Question Personality Test

You Are Chinese Food

Exotic yet ordinary. People think they've had enough of you, but they're back for more in an hour.

What Kind of Food Are You?

Your Inner Child Is Surprised

You see many things through the eyes of a child. Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded. You cherish all of the details in life. Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.

How Is Your Inner Child?

more blogthings! blogthings for all!

Your Birthdate: May 20

You are a virtual roller coaster of emotions, and most people enjoy the ride. Your mood tends to set the tone of the room, and when you're happy, this is a good thing. When you get in a dark mood, watch out - it's very hard to get you out of it. It's sometimes hard for you to cheer up, and your gloom can be contagious. Your strength: Your warm heart Your weakness: Trouble controlling your emotions Your power color: Black Your power symbol: Musical note Your power month: February

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Your Personality Profile

You are dreamy, peaceful, and young at heart. Optimistic and caring, you tend to see the best in people. You tend to be always smiling - and making others smile. You are shy and intelligent... and a very hard worker. You're also funny, but many people don't see your funny side. Your subtle dry humor leaves your close friends in stitches.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

blog thinger!

Your Heart Is Purple

For you, love is about establishing and developing a deep connection. If it's true love, it brings you more wisdom and inner strength. Your flirting style: Sincere Your lucky first date: An afternoon at a tea house Your dream lover: Is both thoughtful and expressive What you bring to relationships: Understanding

What Color Heart Do You Have?

my comment on dani's blog =p

this was a response to something i read... i have to say i like it =p so here it is.

.there are too many people out there who believe your heart is some kind of uncontrollable force, like a spoiled child, and you might as well give in because no matter how hard you tug the reins you can't control it.
Not true. Our hands are just too weak. Consult someone whose Hands are stronger. Don't just give in, it's not romantic, it's weak. What's romantic is to know that someone fell in love with you with their eyes open, knowing you and loving you because they saw all of you and knew you were worth it.
You want people to come into your life like entering an art gallery, slow and awestruck, ready to take their time and wander the halls and get to know you.
Not like flustered mothers, chasing their spoiled kids (hearts), just happy because they ended up in a nice place.
.and there are too many people out there who think that they have to follow every possibility, open every door, because if not then they'll always wonder what would have happened.
Not true. To see where the path would have led, all you have to do is rise above it.

True love is not to be found like finding a room in a long corridor, by opening every door.
True love is like wandering a maze. Every choice takes you one step further towards, or further from, your one destination.
And until you're there, you'll have no idea what's waiting for you.

now then. Where's my Academy Award?

yes, but is she so flexible that she bends with your conversation?
Can you tell a joke in silence?
Can you reach out across a room full of people?
Can you hear her thoughts?
Do you break into her inner conversations?
Can you have a conversation using only facial expressions?
Have you learned her footsteps?
Can you recognize her touch on an instrument?
Is her voice enough to make your day better?
Do you read her mind?
or rather, do you read the nuances of her voice and eyes and body language, intuitively, easily, like reading a book?

cuz if not

then you haven't tasted, you don't know.