i will take breaths, deep ones.
I will breath in
heart quickening, aching,
expanding and reaching for the unattainable,
maybe a tear or two will fall.
i will be angry, frustrated
with the frustration of desires deferred.
and the pain will rise with me, slowly,
like hands rising against walls
and i will allow it this time
because then i will breathe out
and all of the tension, the tears,
everything i want
that stabs me with its unreality
all of my gut reactions
and most of the smiles, for a time
will leave me, i will exorcise them
along with the bruises on my heart
breathe them out simply,
like exhaling poison.
I will do this again, and again
i will inhale and dredge up
exhale and expel out
one, then the other
again and again
I will do it until there is nothing left,
i will do it every time i catch the clock
mocking me with its typical
bland, piercing factuality
(what an unfortunate choice of symbols -
there's one every twelve hours)
every time aluminum pop cans
gang up on me
every time my mind plays tricks
when i'm helplessly asleep
every time i feel a twinge
or a flicker
or the rustle of growing hope
i will dredge up, sigh out
until nothing remains,
until nothing remains.
i am punching in codes
one after the other
waiting patiently
for one solution to work
hoping someday there will be bright lights,
encouraging noises, a release
and i will make it through.
So
I will take breaths, deep ones.
I will breathe.
Solve you that way.