hrm

I can't stay. Can I?
I lasted so much longer than I thought I was going to. I should have switched halls months ago, quit the band months ago. But I stayed.
And now my strength is worn thin.
This is the kind of pain that gnaws, silent, wears you down.
It wore down my happiness.
It wore down my resolutions.
It wore down my anger.
It wore down my spirit.
And now all I want to do is get out from under it before I shatter
and offload onto everyone who happens to be around when it happens.
I can see nightmarish confrontations, shouting matches, tearful retreats, more pain, more pain, more pain.. collapses, bursts, until I'm drained and nothing.
I'm almost there, I think. Although I've thought that before - and when the breakdown came it was intense and unexpected.
I just... don't understand how this is going to improve unless something changes. I think it might suffice to just take a few weeks.. time enough to forget a voice, a face, idiosyncracies, time to lose this intuition I have when it comes to him, that takes his actions and gestures and effortlessly extrapolates his thoughts, his life, from them.
Time to forget.
Time to take us and put in a huge wedge of distance in between
and I can be comfortable, safely on my side, unknown, unknowing.
that's what i want.
And i don't know how to get it.
Is it wrong to want that?
would it be wrong to try for it?
I'm so tired and worn. My happiness faded, short-lived before this invincible pain.. It outlasts, outwits, outplays. I'm wearing down, I can feel it and see it. i don't have much time left, i think, to do something decisive and bold.
I think we're narrowing, being driven towards a bold and decisive moment... maybe it will happen silently, ashamed of itself, in obscurity and quiet voices. Maybe it will blaze and burn, loud and uncomfortably bright. Maybe I'll control it.. maybe not. But I think it's coming. I think so.