[...]

i walk the halls, and i see the smiles,
that turn the corridors into miles
i want to hide from their happiness
but it chases me all the way to the ground

i feel trapped by things that will never be
dreams that will never be my reality
i tried to fight but i lost the light
and i find myself here on the ground

caught up in the status quo,
i listen to the music that makes it so
i hear their stories all around
i'll chase the songs til i hit the ground

i want to keep myself in one place
not high in the clouds, or down on my face
i want inner peace, to settle down
i'll live my life here on the ground

heidi's prayer

this is heidi's prayer
because she's running out of her strength and i know
where hers ends, yours begins
i know you don't give us more than we can handle but
this is pushing it a little don't you think?
well i know it'll turn out to your glory
because that's her heart, that's her desire,
and the amazing songs she writes, the pictures she draws,
the time she gives, the effort that no one hears about
and no one thanks her for
that's all for you
so i know this is for you too
i know she trusts you to take her through this
i know she's past her own strength now, and if she's not she will be soon
i guess i have to trust you, too,
to take care of my friend
i don't like seeing her collapse on the french table
i don't like seeing the spirit go out of her eyes as she talks about everything
she has to do,
and then come back, too strong, in her (justified) anger and frustration
i don't like wishing i could help and knowing i can't
because you didn't give me the talents you gave her, so many and so strong
that everyone neeeds something only heidi can do
but i can do this, lord, i can pray
and i can tell you i'm trusting you not to push her too far
not to let those crazy teachers take too much, push too hard
in their maybe-right-maybe-wrong quest for the perfect mission trip, the perfect funraising,
fueled by the students, paid for in exhaustion and sheer effort by the students,
controlled and censored and tailored
by stupid anal teachers!!!
they take her heart, her time and talent, and give nothing back
they take and take and take, and they can thank us all they want
but it would be nice if they would give us the respect we deserve, desire, demand.
so yeah
strengthen heidi, kay? =)

time for confessions i guess

ok guys, here's toria's real reason for hating valentine's day. lol oh yes, it's more complicated than it seems. Isn't that always how it goes with me? Just can't keep it simple. Silly toria. Anyways
I know i said it was a filler holiday, sappy and consumeristic, and that is ALL TRUE. I recant nothing =p but I've been so bitter, and so 'ew, v-day' precisely because it's so sappy and lame. And not because I'm looking down on it. lol guys i'm a girl after all, right? Sometimes sappiness can be a good thing! My problem is there's no sappiness in my life =p no cheesiness, nothing to make anyone say 'awww that's so cute'. Just my mediocre, ridiculously reading-oriented life. Reading, journaling, and listening to music. And sleeping every spare second I get.
Reminds me of a week in the summer, the last I spent at Mini-yo-we. It was a couple of years ago. I was sick, so I got there a few days late, and my cabin had already bonded without me. Sux0rs, I know. And they were mostly happy white girls, cheerleaders and dancers, get the picture? not toria's scene. =p I got bored of sitting around being pointedly ignored... so i slept. Every spare second I had. Every time we came back into that cabin i flopped onto my bunk and lay with my face to the wall, eyes closed, lying still. That way they didn't have to ignore me, and I could pretend I didn't even want their attention. If I thought i could get away with pretending to sleepwalk, i might have tried that. Anything to get away from a place where there was nothing for me.
My reaction to this, this vacuum in my life that v-day reveals in stark black-and-white ... is derision. I laugh, i pretend i don't care, i point fingers at die-hard romantics like nardine *who is the bravest person in the world and i love her =)*
I'm sure this feeling, this wistfulness will go away. It always does. And don't worry you'll see me tomorrow, brave in black, laughing to scorn all the pink-and-red fans.. and if you hadn't read this you might have no idea what i'm feeling inside, how i wish i could join those softies and chase after my true love, whoever he may be, running as hard as i can and never wondering where i'm going.
But that's not me. Toria would rather pretend she doesn't want any such thing, would rather laugh at the people who have the courage to wear their hearts on their sleeves, than join them.
I know that God loves me, and i love him back =p especially for moments like now, when he's all I've got, he's the only person who's always around and never gets impatient with me. I know that. And i guess i'll have to turn v-day into something between me and God, won't i? lol after all, who else am i going to celebrate with? (other than my bestest shopping partners in the world... march 7th? =D)
think it's time to buy a promise ring.
later

aww nadine you'll find true love

guys, nadine gave up on true love! That's so sad! I was always like "wow she believes in it so much... i really hope she finds it someday" and nadine was like, you know, that anchor person. I always counted on her having faith in true love, and love at first sight, and making out in the rain... but now she's given up!
so i'm putting my anti v-day sentiments aside to write my own opinion of true love.
i rfer you guys to 1 Corinthians 13 - the whole chapter is good - but here are the points i'm taking. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not selfseeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
so there's your true love for ya, nardine. It's true that relationships take work, but they also come with rewards. Obviously anything worthwhile is worth paying a price for. In the case of a relationship... i don't know how much of this you'll take to heart, it's hard to really believe stuff when you haven't experienced it for yourself - if you pictured a relationship as this perfect, happy, romantic thing... you're right, that's totally off base. The romantic moments only come along every so often (but they're totally worth it)... but look at that last line. Love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. It doesn't say love always comes with flowers and candy, love is always easy, love never hurts. Yet the greatest out of faith, love and hope... is love. Think about hope... hope can end in disappointment. Think about faith.. faith can end in despair. And love.. love can end in heartbreak.
but we can't live without hope or faith - those things carry us through.
Nadine, you can't give up on love because it's hard. Of course it's hard. The beautiful clothing is the most expensive =p. Think of it this way.. if it takes so much work and strength and courage to have a true-love relationship.. what must the rewards be like?
hope this helped.
so yeah as you may have guessed, i'm still a firm believer in true love =p it's just a question of finding the right person, and yeah i've proven myself to be TERRIBLE at that so i gotta leave it to God. I trust him more than i trust myself. Guys right now I just want to hide away from everyone, it spooks me how good you all are at reading me. I don't want to admit this to myself, how can i want to admit it to anyone else? must keep busy with work... so busy that there's no time to talk, think, daydream.. must do my best to stay under control here... toria has to stay rational, right? I know no one will understand this.. ask me and i'll explain. =p
toria

let's-laugh-at-single-people day

I mean, happy valentine's day you guys! lol yeah.. pink fuzzy heart day is not my favourite. It's so obviously a filler holiday to help carry Hallmark from Christmas to Easter. Amd it's stupid. If i had a boyfriend, i would refuse to let him celebrate. As it is, i can rain on everyone else's parade by wearing black to the non-uniform day on friday. =p oh it's going to be fun.
hey thanks everyone for posting on my last blog.. i didn't mean to leave it up so long =p just took me awhile to find time to update. Everyone's all supportive and stuff, awww i feel loved. And indignant on all your behalfs, since everyone shared their own stupid-teacher stories with me =p.
the zit on my chin has mutated into two new zits!!! guys that's so nasty! what if it's like bacteria and it keeps dividing and dividing and dividing... oh i KNEW it wasn't my fate to have clear skin. Is this how acne starts? someone tell me! aggghhhh red dots on white face not cooooooooooool...
i need to buy a memory stick. The computer lab lent me one of theirs and I really like having it around! so now i have to buy my own. yay for toria.
lol so yeah... i just wanted to thank all the ppl who were like 'o.0 what's wrong toria?' cuz it's so obvious when i cry. it's terrible. lol and yeah.. it's all better now, i promise =p i'm not going to start bawling again
and i have to personally thank melody, who put up with all my drama AND put together an awesome powerpoint presentation at the same time!! lol poor mel... she sees both sides of the story, since she watched me get all excited about the new theme, and she knew the school wouldn't like it at the same time... lol so for not snapping and denouncing me for the stupid person i am, let's all hear it for mel =D
*yay mellllll*

totally hurt

hey guys... blogging in the middle of the missions dinner, need to vent and pull myself together. The lab is full of people but none of them are looking at me, so it works out. If I break down, maybe they won't notice.
I've been killing myself working on this ppt. I know Mel has, too, and I love her for doing it.. but over the past 24 hours i have done almost nothing but work on this stupid powerpoint, especially the itinerary, the mission impossible theme. I know it's out there =p but I loved the idea, i even thought i could pull it off.
ms. pater and mrs. augustyn never intended to show the presentation the way I had it. They knew they were going to change whatever it took to make it something they liked. But they deliberately didn't tell me this. I handed them everything i had worked for, like MAD, everything i had given up classes and work for, and they watched it and said 'thanks toria', kicked me out of the room and proceeded to edit. They took out my text and put the excruciatingly boring plain itinerary back in. So now the text has nothing to do with anything spy-related, which makes the backgrounds and the music completely ridiculous. If I hadn't walked in on Mrs. Augustyn in the middle of editing it, i don't know when they would have told me. If ever.
So now the timing for the slides is screwed, which means the music timing is screwed. Everything I did is completely worthless, but they have exactly what they want. I understand their reasons for changing the text, but not their reasons for not telling me. It's underhanded and incredibly inconsiderate, considering the amount of time i put into their precious powerpoint - only to have them butcher it.
I just couldn't handle it. I started crying in the middle of the auditorium, and had to run out into the church washroom. I came back in time for the rest of the mtg, then went to the school washroom =p three times i left that washroom, thinking i was done crying. Three times i had to run back.
I don't even know if it was a good idea or not, i've gone back and forth over it too many times. I think the finished product, the one i handed to ms pater and mrs augustyn (wondering why they insisted on keeping the memory stick - guess we know now) truly was good. I think it said everything that needed to be said, and portrayed it in one of the fews ways possible to downplay the 'europe trip' part of it. I like the concept. I must have gone over each slide like a billion times, perfecting the timing to get it right, not too long or too short, timing everything with the songs perfectly... and now, if any of it stays at all, it'll be completely ridiculous.
I'm too tired, too stressed, and way too close to tears to care anymore. All I want to know is whether they're going to change the rest of it or not. If so, I'll take my name off it. The presentation i worked so hard on is worthless, and the one up on the projector is one i had absolutely nothing to do with. Mel can have the credit. She deserves it, dealing with me and my crazy ideas. Besides her work on the presentation is worth so much more than the stuff they trashed.
I'm losing heart in this trip. When even the teachers are on tenterhooks lest someone take a negative view of the trip, you know they're feeling pretty insecure. And when the teachers themselves aren't even resolved in this, how can i be? Especially, how can i have faith in teachers who treat me like crap?

kiwanis

hey guys.. muchos gracias to heidi, who changed my skin for me =p you like? i love it =D
i SO don't want to go to kiwanis with orchestra. lol no offense, i love you guys.. but we're not ready! At all! We don't even know what pieces we're playing... farewell symphony, which is good because it's the one piece i'm half decent at... and other than that, iunno.. maybe uber-violinists like aaron know. But i don't.
me and mel are doing the mission ppt for the banquet... they want to see it tomorrow and we're half done! half! eeeep it's going to be maddeningly boring, is my fear. They basically handed us the information and told us to put it into a presentation. and it is boring. i want to paraphrase it but mel wasn't so into that idea, mostly because it needs to be long. lol i keep trying to think of ways to make it interesting, relax it a little, but i just can't. And I have one period, tomorrow, in which to fix it. I'm SO SCREWED. lol seriously, how can i make it interesting? think think think... music is one part, of course, but that's not the problem. The problem is the STUPID BORING INFORMATION. I'll figure something out.. hopefully rewording it will be enough. good luck mel, wherever you are.. we make a good team =p
WOW so many projects, all hanging over my head. So annoying.

new indulgence!

lol so to add to the list of things i can't resist... so far it's chocolate, greek food, knit scarves, and colourful belts =p .. anyone heard of tickle.com? I want to put in the url so you can get it in hypertext, but i'm not sure if that works on blog. Besides it's one word. Come on. lol it's all these personality tests... like what's your colour, who were you in a past life, what kind of memory you have... (my colour is brown, in my past life i was a turtle named Gifford =p, and i have a reading memory.. as if anyone doubted that!!) lol so i encourage you guys to go and take some tests so we can compare notes =p take the flavour test... i'm mocha =D
in response to one of heidi's blogs, can't remember which one... i share her vision. I see it most clearly in the praise team, the one she and helen and dani are on... not that it makes them more leader material than us down in the audience, it just shows me how we can step up and we really can make a difference.. it's time to stop hiding behind the excuse that we can't change anything, and it's time to commit ourselves to something. I think if we have a fault as a group, it's not our hearts or our spirits... it's our bodies. I can't judge anyone else but i know for me, I put precious little energy into doing the things i say i'm going to. Like that petition for different uniforms. Never happened, did it? I want to see something like R2L, something like vermont's discipleship program... for us, by us. I see the leaders all around us, in this grade.. like heidi, i see the talent and the heart and i feel like we're all lined up at the starting line, poised to start running.. and all we're waiting for is that one word.
Who's going to speak it?

blogging from work again, ick...

jeans or makeup? jeans or makeup? Must decide what to do with my paycheck =p all of my makeup is about a year old and needs replacing BADLY (according to Seventeen), not to mention the fact that i'm running out of blush, this is VERY BAD for anyone as pale as i am =p. Same with bronzer.
But i wanna buy jeansssssssss....
maybe i can do both. Depends on the brand of makeup and the brand of jeans... anyways. Winter is leaving and it makes me so happy. The days are getting longer, has anyone else noticed that? it's awesome. I love sunshine. ok i'm going to write a hapoy sunshine poem now! *heehee kinlock*
toria's happy sunshine poem
it's sunny outside and it makes me happy
like one of those days where everything goes right
except the only thing right today is the sunshine
on my face
and maybe that's enough
if there were any beaches nearby i think i would
run around on the sand, but there aren't
and there is still snow on the grass of my backyard
it thinks winter is still going strong
but i'll have the last laugh just like i'll have
the last ray of sunshine tonight
because i know winter is going to run away
and leave me with the bright sun on my face,
blue skies and warm air
and maybe some flowers
sunshine makes me happy, but don't tell me about vitamin D and the psychological effects of winter
all that matters to me is the sunlight on my skin

flying

guys i'm i'm.. starting to question some things. Like the way I do stuff,and my attitudes about stuff.
One of my most inflexible rules is never to hope for things that i really want. I can want them, and work for them.. but hoping is bad, hoping is dangerous because hope leads to disappointment. And that always made my attitude either pessimistic or really laid-back. Either I made myself not care if the things i wanted happened, or i convinced myself that they wouldn't.
But that's dangerous, that's really really dangerous. Your attitude towards something has a lot of influence on how it's going to turn out. I believe that. I don't know how it works, but it's spooky how many times I'm had a bad atittude about something, given up on it too soon and sure enough, it screws over... or had a good atittude about something, and been hopeful, and somehow it works out.
My attitude means that the more i want something, the harder i fight against believing that it's really going to happen. lol but that all falls apart.. if the thing actually IS happening - then i'm just blinding myself to the truth, aren't i?
besides it doesn't work very well... this time i ended up confusing myself, because as much as i tried to fight it I did hope for this, but i refused to admit it... all these layers of fear and denial and years of special training in the art of not-hoping got in the way, and i wasn't thinking clearly.
because... i think... it is happening. lol this time my attitude is completely wrong and it's getting in my way, because as long as i fight hope, what i'm really fighting is the truth. So i'm tearing down all those walls =p i just hope it's not too late to repair the damage i did by not seeing what was going on.
I could be wrong. I know that. I'm more than half convinced it's all wishful thinking and i'm going to get hurt. But i'm tired of listening to that voice, and besides if i do get hurt then it won't be my fault this time =p wish me luck!
later