these days

these days I wander in an apathetic trance that i hope will last years. I can't wait to settle into being single, which sounds weird because it's been that way for a few years but that doesn't mean I was settled. But now I think I can justifiably say to myself and everyone else that all of my attempts to move on have crashed and burned and can i please just take some time to let it be. I'm tired of trying to prove that I've made progress; I'm tired of talking to people only to have them repeat for the hundredth time, "but toria, it really is time to move on". I know that; I figured it out before anyone else and I've been trying ever since. And I've got it all down emotionally, but the whole getting-into-another-relationship bit, the final proof, the supposed litmus test - i just can't do it. And not because there haven't been opportunities, and not because i don't want to, but because there's a difference between forcing yourself to get over someone and forcing yourself to love someone else. One is possible, the other isn't. And maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I've been pushing myself for too long and I just want to rest now. I resent everyone assuming that they know my emotional status just because there's no guy in the picture.

no one said anything about growing up.

Put Your Machine Guns Down (Witchunt)

It's like they crouch from on high , settled in their distant posts
and they see me only through the sights of their rifles.
Brother, why not raise your eyes from the line of your gun,
why not take me out of your crosshairs and see that I'm your sister?
See, I am like you. Come down here, only for a moment, and look through my eyes.
They never listen.
I hear bullets humming and whistling all around,
like hissed words, like electric hatred,
as they take out the people beside me.
And I am not sad for the lives stolen from me -
I, the smaller and the less sure,
or for the blank, contemptuous look in the
dead eyes of the people I used to laugh with.
I am not sad.
I am perplexed.
I would like to seize a rifle and take aim,
choose a window, take my time adjusting the crosshairs,
perfecting the shot,
and then take out one of them.
Maybe just in the foot, just enough to give him pause.
Make him think.
But Brother, I am powerless against you.
I ought to empty the bullets from my gun, wearily,
I might as well just throw them to you.
Because I would rather be shot down by my brother,
let him spill my life into the gutters and street dirt,
than lift a hand to hurt him in return.
Is this your Christian life, brother?
This targeting of the young and the unsure?
I cannot stop you and I will not join you in your sport, so continue by all means.
You cannot hurt me, and maybe I can save a few others.
But Brothers, though you shout so loud against your sisters
and call for their destruction,
so zealous that you can hardly bear to
pause in your shouting to catch your breath,
though you have no tears to spare for the lives you have blighted
and confused,
maybe we can all put our machine guns down. Just for a minute.
Maybe get it so quiet we can hear the pins drop,
the heartbeats stop.
Maybe we will all turn and regard the wounds of our church,
whom we have ripped apart with our lips and teeth;
maybe we can take a second to mourn the breaking of God's heart.
(My God, My God, look at the crimes we have committed in your name.
Do you think this is the first time men have hunted witches
and burned their own grandmothers?
The first time we have denounced adultery
and stoned our wives?
This is not the first time we have stopped lives
in the name of Life, crippled spirits for the sake of the Spirit.
We may be different but we are not better, not as long
as the witchunt continues.)

I stole the pca poem ;)

Jesus Generation
And this is the vision of a Jesus-Generation:
A generation that has heard the call of those who are needy adn dying
and has grown tired of the current situation.
A generation that seeks the face of Jesus
and seeks to establish his kingdom in our present tense.
A generation whose heart is hurt
by the things that hurt the heart of God.
A generation that is willing to live the life of one who carries his cross
for the sole glory of Jesus' name.
A generation that is not crippled by comfort,
that is not blinded by materialism,
that is not unarmed by peer pressure,
and is not poisoned by compromise.
A generation that speaks of love immeasurable by volume.
A generation of sons and daughters who walk hand in hand
undivided and unified as the Church by the head, Jesus Christ.
A generation that is willing to reach out
to those who have lost all hope,
to those who have lost all contact,
to those who hvae lost all respect,
to those who have lost all peace,
to those who have lost all love,
to those who are lost.
A generation whose worship is seen on the streets,
helping the helpless,
feeding the hungry,
comforting the hurting,
clothing the naked,
giving to the needy,
loving the loveless,
which is their praise to the Father.
A generation that marches in boldness,
because they know the Truth
and are ever-ready for demonstrations of the holy Spirit.
And their name will be none other than "Christian",
reflections of Jesus Christ,
mirroring the Light from all corners of the city.
For this is the real life that the Lord has required.
This is the life of abundance the Lord has promised if we seek.
This is the Christian life, the way it's supposed to be.

2002 Recalled2Life Ministries, Canada.

what we were about (derek)

when am I gonna lean on your shoulder again?
I gotta go but I don't want to leave you, my friend
Life pulls us along, it's go on or get out
rest assured we'll all meet again in the end
I just wanted to remind you
this is what we were about

[chorus]
cuz we ran together and never fell behind
I don't know how I'm going to leave you behind
cuz we were about life and we were about laughter
we were all about each other
doesn't that even matter?
how can it not matter that I'm running and you're running
somewhere else?

if we had a sound it'd be acoustic guitar,
progressions and power chords strumming down the years.
Tried to learn, I never did get very far
but right now I can't play for the tears
I just wanted to remind you,
this is what we were about

[chorus]
[chorus]

don't forget what we were about
cuz real friends aren't made, but found
I won't ever forget what we were about
but I just can't stick around...

stick around

I don't know what I want
you ask every five minutes and every five minutes i tell you
that I just don't know what I want.
or maybe,
maybe it's not only you.

I can't spell it out for you
I can't tell you what you want to hear, I only speak the truth
but I can't spell it out for you
but maybe
if you could just stick around

maybe just stick around for the ride
i know it's not as charming as the bended knee routine
but it's all I have to give, not quite
as worthless as it seems
cuz I've found that you stay still
no matter how much I change
yeah, you stay still

I wish I knew what to do with you
cuz I want to love you if only because it'd be simple
but I still don't know what to do with you
but maybe
maybe i'lll figure it out soon.

So don't give up on me just yet
because we're all up in the air and we don't know how we'll come down
please, don't give up on me just yet
and maybe
maybe if you could just stick around

maybe just stick around for the ride
I know it's not as charming as the bended knee routine
but it's all I have to give, not quite
as worthless as it seems
cuz I've found that you stay still
no matter how much I change
yeah, you stay still.

don't ask me what I want cuz I don't know
which I want more.
maybe I lost my heart awhile ago
or maybe it's yours.

last time was the last time

don't forget to say goodbye
they say like that's
all it takes
take a last look round,
they say like that's
all you have to do
but every morning says goodbye
and every night says we'll miss you
goodbye can so easily pass you by
goodbye can so easily pass..

so don't say farewell, i'll write, i'll call
just don't say goodbye at all
because if we lived every moment like it was our last
if we paid attention instead of doing it fast
it'd never hurt to say goodbye
goodbye would never pass us by

because last time was the last time
I'll stand up there
last time was the last time I'll see you there
last time was the last time,
i missed it, i missed it,
but if i'd been living like it was my last
paying attention instead of doing it fast
it wouldn't hurt to say goodbye

take a break from thinking and just look around
take a break from thinking and just listen
maybe if we stopped finding and realized we've found
maybe if we stopped talking and just listened

because last time was the last time
I'll stand up there
last time was the last time I'll see you there
last time was the last time,
I missed it, I missed it,
but if I'd been living like it was my last
paying attention instead of doing it fast
it wouldn't hurt to say goodbye.

maybe if we only said hi more often
it wouldn't hurt to say goodbye