silly toria

GUYS
among the bag-trash in the bottom of my schoolbag I found a check from my job at the Dragonfly Shop that I hadn't cashed. I am $80 richer =D when I get better I'm going shopping. Saving can wait.

Today is nausea day.

read it and WEEP

or don't. At least not on my GLENDON ACCEPTANCE LETTER =D okok so I know that i already knew I got accepted, and I know that everyone else in PCA knows because I told everyone whose name I could remember, but come on. Paper is better. They're not offering scholarships until final marks come in (wise) which MEANS I have until may to pull off that 90. I swear if I graduate with an 89 I'll freak. Did you know you need an average of at least 72% to get into rez? That's not a problem for me but what if it was for someone else? hmm.
So I'm sick, and as nice as this is it just isn't a warm bed, so I'm off.
yeeheeeheee. But not to sleep. Too wired on acceptedness.

o.0

I figured out the eye thing. I know this is a weird thing to devote my attention to but come on, it's weird. My eyes ARE getting bluer - but only half. The outside half of each eye is darker and has a dark blue line around it. That's what it is! and I'm really not exaggerating, they really did change. Even art said so. They used to be teal. People used to get confused about whether they were green, grey, blue or a mixture of all three. No more - they're just blue. Weird!

worrk

dahh. I keep telling myself "after this week we'll be done. After this week we'll be done" but then I keep remembering that's what I said about last week, and the week before that. Last week was all about the humanities midterms. This week was bio test and english presentations and philo project (a work of art I must say). Next week thus far is looking like english isp and bio isp. Dahh. I don't like you, school.
Sighz. I don't like valentine's day season either, heidi. Let's ignore the month of february altogether (cept for der's bday)
HAPPY BDAY DER!!!!
he's 16 you know.

ahhhh

as always, nothing makes me happier than skipping off work. Ok well I didn't skip off, my student's family hasn't finished moving. So I don't get paid, since I didn't do anything, BUT I have an evening unexpectedly. So I finished watching Bambi. What a sad movie. And what a work of art. And now I'm blogging, and then I'm going to surf everyone else's blogs, and then I suppose, if there's time, i'll do some homework.

just a song.

I am le worried.
Come on, just smile for me and tell me it's ok. Don't you think I would believe you?
Let's get out. Let's go and we'll forget that the palpitations feel like skipping a beat
and the anxiety feels like insecurity and the
happiness feels like incredulity.
we'll forget.
Let's go and we'll forget
and I'll make you smile the way I'm so good at, the quips will come thick and fast and i will add wild gesturing and fantastic speculation just for you. Maybe a few card tricks, some pixie dust, a hint of mascara and kohl.
Let's go and we'll forget. We'll talk for hours, I promise, and I can keep this one. I'll put you under that spell I threatened, and you'll wake up seventy years old. Rip van Winkle, it'll be great. Let's just go.
I want to go and let's forget. I will if you will.
We will censor their names with black ink and blank expressions. Who? we'll say, a hint of coldness to remind of the contract.
Let's go and we'll forget. I can if you can.
I don't even know what i want apart from oblivion, a side of distraction.
we will, however, betray each other in our sleep. Dream in tangibility.

hear you me - jimmy eat world

there's no one in town I know
you gave us someplace to go
i never said thank you for that
thought i might get one more chance

what would you think of me now?
so lucky, so strong, so proud
never said thank you for that
now i'll never get the chance

may angels lead you in
hear you me my friends
on sleepless roads the sleepless go
may angels lead you in

and if you are with me tonight
i'd sing to you just one more time
a song for a heart so big
God couldn't let it live

ADMITTED

is what my york application MyFile tells me every time I check it which is often.
I'M GOING TO GLENDON!!!
unless ryerson pays me more.
Yesterday was the first day they looked at applications.
Man me and mel do everything together.. we even GET ACCEPTED TOGETHER!!! Everyone cross your fingers for wellman so the white people can stay together. I think I'm not as special as I'd like to believe because my average was nothing stellar last year and that's all they've got is it not? But I AM taking 3 englishes this year and it IS honours english =p
AND THEY LIKE ME ANYWAYS
I'm so happy!!!
OUAC needs to get with the times and realize that someone wants me.
(Ryerson doesn't release early acceptance until March 27th. They're playing hard to get, but they'll come around.) and then i'm going to brush up my french and take a tour and look at those rez rooms
CUZ GLENDON WANTS ME =D
w0000000000000t
everyone go check.

The next four months are going to be AWFUL

February is going to be hell. March is going to be HELL. April isn't looking great either. And May.... May.... if I make it to May I'll reward myself with 24 hours of guilt-free sleep. Hibernate like a bear. sighz.
well last night was intense, and I'm a little ashamed of myself still. I feel like I interfered. I know that my involvement wouldn't help her at all if she knew, and that's a good sign that it shouldn't have been. I'm a little worried about that because if/when she finds out the role I played, she'll have the same problems with bitterness that I did during the summer. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But there's nothing I can do, now. I probably did too much. Why do people listen to me? Seriously. You only have my word that I know what I'm talking about, and often I say something like "I have no idea what I'm talking about." You want relationship advice, go to someone who's had a successful relationship. I don't even know what my definition of successful is but I doubt my past comes under that heading. My thoughts make a lot of sense sometimes, and they seem to be a good way of looking at the situation, but I'm just toria. I don't know anything. I'm talking out of my head. I hate influencing people, yet last night I couldn't help it. I threw away what remained of my restraint and meddled with both hands. I didn't even pretend to be unbiased. And I'm more biased than he knows. I just.. wish I had been able to keep my distance. I wanted him to make his decision his way.... but no matter how I tried to back away...it didn't work. I should have held my tongue. And the worst part is that if he read this he would deny it, he would say I helped him. He would say he was glad he talked to me. I know my way of thinking has influenced him. I feel like I've done something bad. Maybe because it's him. With someone else, someone more stubborn, someone more arrogant, I would push my opinion as strongly as I pleased, knowing they'd only accept it after examining it from every angle. Maybe that was my mistake.
I just I HATE what I see around me sometimes.... I see people slipping into relationships slowly, edging into it, like Lot moving a little closer and a little closer to Sodom. I HATE it. I care about these people and I don't want them to be hurt or unhappy or damaged and I'm afraid that that's what they're all headed for. And what makes me so mad is that they know it. They're not 100% behind these relationships. They feel the mediocrity, the imperfections, they feel not quite right not quite there but they KEEP GOING, too scared or too acclimatized to stop it even though the power is in their hands. They allow themselves to be made weak, when they used to be strong. They can barely be logical and they know it, all their mental capacity is used up trying to protect this relationship from the dangerous arguements of the people around them, from any idea or passing phrase that might make them question it. Because then they would have to confront things that they need to ignore. And it just.. gets to me. I know that I'm like this too, or was, probably more than I'm willing to admit. But. I'm better now... and I know it wasn't exactly my idea to adopt this lifestyle, to be single and happy, and it took a lot of pain and a lot of time to get here, and it was mostly on someone else's convictions, someone else's momentum...but I'm here now. And I hate the fact that the people around me can't or won't learn from what I went through. My goodness, that's what makes it worth it. But the worst part is that they don't even need me to see their problems clearly. All they need is the kind of courage that comes from devotion to truth and honesty, the kind of courage that allows them to look inward and confront what they find. And a pinch of logic.