The next four months are going to be AWFUL

February is going to be hell. March is going to be HELL. April isn't looking great either. And May.... May.... if I make it to May I'll reward myself with 24 hours of guilt-free sleep. Hibernate like a bear. sighz.
well last night was intense, and I'm a little ashamed of myself still. I feel like I interfered. I know that my involvement wouldn't help her at all if she knew, and that's a good sign that it shouldn't have been. I'm a little worried about that because if/when she finds out the role I played, she'll have the same problems with bitterness that I did during the summer. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But there's nothing I can do, now. I probably did too much. Why do people listen to me? Seriously. You only have my word that I know what I'm talking about, and often I say something like "I have no idea what I'm talking about." You want relationship advice, go to someone who's had a successful relationship. I don't even know what my definition of successful is but I doubt my past comes under that heading. My thoughts make a lot of sense sometimes, and they seem to be a good way of looking at the situation, but I'm just toria. I don't know anything. I'm talking out of my head. I hate influencing people, yet last night I couldn't help it. I threw away what remained of my restraint and meddled with both hands. I didn't even pretend to be unbiased. And I'm more biased than he knows. I just.. wish I had been able to keep my distance. I wanted him to make his decision his way.... but no matter how I tried to back away...it didn't work. I should have held my tongue. And the worst part is that if he read this he would deny it, he would say I helped him. He would say he was glad he talked to me. I know my way of thinking has influenced him. I feel like I've done something bad. Maybe because it's him. With someone else, someone more stubborn, someone more arrogant, I would push my opinion as strongly as I pleased, knowing they'd only accept it after examining it from every angle. Maybe that was my mistake.
I just I HATE what I see around me sometimes.... I see people slipping into relationships slowly, edging into it, like Lot moving a little closer and a little closer to Sodom. I HATE it. I care about these people and I don't want them to be hurt or unhappy or damaged and I'm afraid that that's what they're all headed for. And what makes me so mad is that they know it. They're not 100% behind these relationships. They feel the mediocrity, the imperfections, they feel not quite right not quite there but they KEEP GOING, too scared or too acclimatized to stop it even though the power is in their hands. They allow themselves to be made weak, when they used to be strong. They can barely be logical and they know it, all their mental capacity is used up trying to protect this relationship from the dangerous arguements of the people around them, from any idea or passing phrase that might make them question it. Because then they would have to confront things that they need to ignore. And it just.. gets to me. I know that I'm like this too, or was, probably more than I'm willing to admit. But. I'm better now... and I know it wasn't exactly my idea to adopt this lifestyle, to be single and happy, and it took a lot of pain and a lot of time to get here, and it was mostly on someone else's convictions, someone else's momentum...but I'm here now. And I hate the fact that the people around me can't or won't learn from what I went through. My goodness, that's what makes it worth it. But the worst part is that they don't even need me to see their problems clearly. All they need is the kind of courage that comes from devotion to truth and honesty, the kind of courage that allows them to look inward and confront what they find. And a pinch of logic.