i figured it out

almost. The problem, I think, is that this relationship makes me a worse person. I'm irrational, unbalanced and I can't stop fighting with him. I'm not getting the support I need in my Christian life. I find myself changing because of him - and I can't decide which is better, to become ultra-defensive or to lose my backbone entirely. I usually end up doing the first because I don't like the thought of the second, but it's becoming more appealing. I could just turn quiet and meek. It'd mean less fights.

I've proposed a summer hiatus. A 'break', if you will. And he has nothing but contempt for the idea of breaks; he says they don't solve anything. But I need a break. I'm spiralling into the kind of person I don't want to be and I want to stop and get a handle on it. I want to be able to be with him but i don't know if I can do it without doing damage to myself at the same time. And this isn't fair to him, either.

update.

So I was reading other people's bloggers and felt bad because everyone else updates more than me. So here goes.

I'm really floundering relationship-wise, and I shouldn't be. This guy is loving, sensitive and thoughtful. And completely committed. I'm the problem here, which is a novel position for me to be in. And I really am happy 80% of the time, but that grade was never quite good enough for us in high school ( am I right) and it's not quite good enough now. The problem is that he's so sensible and logical that he's almost always right. About everything. Any position he chooses to take on a certain issue becomes the right position. So where does that leave me? If I choose to disagree, then I'm going to be proven wrong and sooner or later i'll have to apologise, if we were fighting, or admit that he's right, if we were just talking. But if I agree with him right away, then I lose all my freedom. Either way it's eating away at me. So I start to see attacks where there are none, and take offense at things he says that he didn't mean that way, and I end up picking fights with him. The cycle is getting faster and faster. Last time there were only a few minutes between the beginning of our conversation to the beginning of another fight.

And every time we start fighting I just feel despair, because we're starting down this vicious circle again and I don't know how to stop it. And for a few minutes I'll start to wonder if this is going to be the fight that ends everything, and sometimes the thought scares me and sometimes it seems as if it'd be for the best. But then, tiredly, we start trying to sort out who-said-what and how we got into the fight and why, and in the end we always understand where the other person was coming from. And we've saved ourselves, again, but only from breaking up. Not from fighting. And the next fight could be only seconds away. It's exhausting.

Neither of us is happy; we're too nervous, wondering when the next fight is going to start. We're hanging on, but not by much, and it's not for the sake of our relationship. It's more just because we're both stubborn and we hate the idea of giving up. This is his first relationship, and it's the first of mine that has lasted this long. We've tied up a lot of ourselves in this, and the thought of ending it seems too extreme.

In a place like this, when I'm confused and unhappy, I'm not very safe. I'm moody and impulsive, and completely capable of getting myself into regrettable situations. It's like this relationship is a house of cards, and I've got a twitch in my fingers.

Workwise, I'm not getting enough hours and it's driving me CRAZY. I guess that's another factor in everything else - stress.

Glendon is keeping me happy, though. I was content for nearly two weeks to obsess over schedules and course lists, tweaking my workload, making calls to ask if I could take an extra course, sending emails, submitting portfolios, adding and dropping and adding and dropping. I got completely lost in the whole thing and it was great. And then I got my residence offer, and that kept me occupied for another few days trying to figure out if I should stay in Hilliard or move to Wood, and the pros and cons of that. Everything with school is going according to plan, and it's the only part of my life that's coming together like that. But everything is taken care of now, and nothing remains except to send in my residence forms. So I've got to find another consolation. But that could be dangerous.