time for confessions i guess

ok guys, here's toria's real reason for hating valentine's day. lol oh yes, it's more complicated than it seems. Isn't that always how it goes with me? Just can't keep it simple. Silly toria. Anyways
I know i said it was a filler holiday, sappy and consumeristic, and that is ALL TRUE. I recant nothing =p but I've been so bitter, and so 'ew, v-day' precisely because it's so sappy and lame. And not because I'm looking down on it. lol guys i'm a girl after all, right? Sometimes sappiness can be a good thing! My problem is there's no sappiness in my life =p no cheesiness, nothing to make anyone say 'awww that's so cute'. Just my mediocre, ridiculously reading-oriented life. Reading, journaling, and listening to music. And sleeping every spare second I get.
Reminds me of a week in the summer, the last I spent at Mini-yo-we. It was a couple of years ago. I was sick, so I got there a few days late, and my cabin had already bonded without me. Sux0rs, I know. And they were mostly happy white girls, cheerleaders and dancers, get the picture? not toria's scene. =p I got bored of sitting around being pointedly ignored... so i slept. Every spare second I had. Every time we came back into that cabin i flopped onto my bunk and lay with my face to the wall, eyes closed, lying still. That way they didn't have to ignore me, and I could pretend I didn't even want their attention. If I thought i could get away with pretending to sleepwalk, i might have tried that. Anything to get away from a place where there was nothing for me.
My reaction to this, this vacuum in my life that v-day reveals in stark black-and-white ... is derision. I laugh, i pretend i don't care, i point fingers at die-hard romantics like nardine *who is the bravest person in the world and i love her =)*
I'm sure this feeling, this wistfulness will go away. It always does. And don't worry you'll see me tomorrow, brave in black, laughing to scorn all the pink-and-red fans.. and if you hadn't read this you might have no idea what i'm feeling inside, how i wish i could join those softies and chase after my true love, whoever he may be, running as hard as i can and never wondering where i'm going.
But that's not me. Toria would rather pretend she doesn't want any such thing, would rather laugh at the people who have the courage to wear their hearts on their sleeves, than join them.
I know that God loves me, and i love him back =p especially for moments like now, when he's all I've got, he's the only person who's always around and never gets impatient with me. I know that. And i guess i'll have to turn v-day into something between me and God, won't i? lol after all, who else am i going to celebrate with? (other than my bestest shopping partners in the world... march 7th? =D)
think it's time to buy a promise ring.
later