flying

guys i'm i'm.. starting to question some things. Like the way I do stuff,and my attitudes about stuff.
One of my most inflexible rules is never to hope for things that i really want. I can want them, and work for them.. but hoping is bad, hoping is dangerous because hope leads to disappointment. And that always made my attitude either pessimistic or really laid-back. Either I made myself not care if the things i wanted happened, or i convinced myself that they wouldn't.
But that's dangerous, that's really really dangerous. Your attitude towards something has a lot of influence on how it's going to turn out. I believe that. I don't know how it works, but it's spooky how many times I'm had a bad atittude about something, given up on it too soon and sure enough, it screws over... or had a good atittude about something, and been hopeful, and somehow it works out.
My attitude means that the more i want something, the harder i fight against believing that it's really going to happen. lol but that all falls apart.. if the thing actually IS happening - then i'm just blinding myself to the truth, aren't i?
besides it doesn't work very well... this time i ended up confusing myself, because as much as i tried to fight it I did hope for this, but i refused to admit it... all these layers of fear and denial and years of special training in the art of not-hoping got in the way, and i wasn't thinking clearly.
because... i think... it is happening. lol this time my attitude is completely wrong and it's getting in my way, because as long as i fight hope, what i'm really fighting is the truth. So i'm tearing down all those walls =p i just hope it's not too late to repair the damage i did by not seeing what was going on.
I could be wrong. I know that. I'm more than half convinced it's all wishful thinking and i'm going to get hurt. But i'm tired of listening to that voice, and besides if i do get hurt then it won't be my fault this time =p wish me luck!
later