it's pointless

i don't know what you were trying to accomplish, maybe nothing. Maybe you were just flexing your muscles, but it worked. I feel stupid. I feel stupid, are you happy now? Now are you going to stop? I feel like a loser, is that enough for you? I feel like it's pointless to eat. I feel like everything i do is going to look stupid to you, and because you're always right, it always will be stupid. i'll never be worthwhile in your eyes. my God, do i really need one more person treating me like i'm worthless? I thought you people grew out of that. But you didn't. You still like putting other people down, it boosts your fragile ego. You don't mean any harm. You just think i should know that my hair is too frizzy, my skin too white, my friends too weird, my voice too country, my clothes too darn conservative. You're willing to help, you'll turn me into a little you anytime i say the word.
But i'm never going to say the word.
It's not because i don't want to. I'd do a lot to make you look at me like i had finally achieved human status. It's just that none of the things you want from me are in my nature. It's just not possible for me to make you happy, though i sincerely wish i could. I'm like this. I have curly hair that doesn't always behave itself, it's true, but i love it anyways. I wear clothing that makes it possible for you to have a few doubts about what's underneath, and i love that too. I have a mind of my own, and sometimes i say things that make no sense, and i love that too. I have a few close friendships instead of lots of less-close friendships, and i love it. When you're not making me feel like a loser because i'm not always surrounded by a crowd. Come to think of it, neither are you. I write stories and poetry, and sometimes i like alone time. And that's who i am, and i just can't change. It's not because i don't want to have loads of friends and get attention for my body and say the right thing instead of my thing - sometimes i want those things. I'll admit that. But it's not in me, i don't work that way. It took me a long time to accept that, and half the time i still don't, but sometimes i don't care wether you've accepted it or not. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you think. And sometimes i think you're the biggest asshole i've ever met, and the fact that you're excellent at pretending to feign all the things that make you popular doesn't change the fact that you're feigning. But none of that matters right now.
Right now i feel very small. I hope that if i become stupid enough and loser-ish enough, i'll just escape your notice altogether. Something to work towards.
toria