I'm so sorry!

wow. I just had a paradigm shift =p
I'm not going to take back what I said before, or dismiss it, because my heart was in the right place.... mostly... and I'm not going to pretend I was being hypocritical when I wasn't.
But my thinking was still wrong.
I'm so weak. And most of the time I don't even want to be strong. I like being weak because it makes me miserable and gives me something to write about. Isn't that terrible? lol well that's a bit of an exaggeration, I don't LIKE being miserable by any means... but when the fit was upon me, I didn't try to fight it. Partly because I saw no reason to. I'm the only person my misery affects, right?
wrong!
There are so many people around me who know what's going on and who are watching me, my life, how I deal. Not in a bad way - just as a point of reference. They care about me and they're trying to support me.
But they're all younger than me.
That's not a bad thing, of course, it doesn't make them less supportive -
but when they look at my life, and how miserable I am
the only thing they learn is to be afraid of God.
To be afraid that God is going to steamroller their dreams, their lives.
How can I allow myself to set such a bad example?
This is so terrible. I'm not even sure what to do about it, but at least I recognize it now =p John was partly right. Not about spreading out, but about getting support from people who aren't going to be pushed down by my weight.
I may not care about being strong for myself, but really that doesn't matter.
I have to be strong for the people around me.
otherwise, it's like I'm taking a pickaxe to their spiritual lives
and chip, chip, chipping away.
I am so sorry, guys!
Please understand that I may be uncomfortable sometimes, and unhappy sometimes, but honestly I wouldn't have it any other way. I have to appreciate this situation and how it's making me grow, how much it's teaching me.
It may not be fun, but it's right =p and when i watch myself grow, it's kind of cool.
I was worried about glorifying God, and mad because from where I was standing the situation doesn't work. But I was WRONG. The situation doesn't matter. Ever.
I matter.
My attitude matters.
I'm so sorry.
toria
(wow... it took me like, a month to grasp that concept. Smart my foot.)