untitled

i hate you, you know.
I hate the way you have a life
and i have a life
and they run parallel but never coincide.
ever.
I hate the way i hear your voice, your words,
your thoughts,
muffled and hidden as someone repeats them to me.
I hate the way your name evokes a whole train of thought
that once started is immediately out of control
and we tear along faster and faster down until
i fly off the tracks and crash
huddle there, shocked by the pain that
was always there
but most of the time it has a thin veneer of control
stretched over the surface like a web
and sometimes the whole thing shatters,
twists,
breaks through
and i am released into what seems a bottomless lake of pain
i float back up, pass it off as a temporary setback
but what if it's a pattern?
is this the way i'm going to stay, and for how long?
dreading the ascent to calm because of the inevitable plummet
to panic
how many people will i hang up on
so that i can cry in peace?
i hate that you did this to me
i hate that you still matter
even when i don't
i hate that i'm writing yet another sad poem,
damn you,
you could at least inspire some variety.