trees

it's raining again
i wander in confusion
sometimes I raise hands,
touch a withered branch,
and we dance solemnly,
bitterly,
laughing at the death outside
laughing at the death inside
sometimes i stoop and fall
to the ground
it opens to invite me further
i fill my fists with black soil
it falls over me, spilling from my pale hands
which are small and grasping
and cannot contain it
and i am littered, concealed
with flakes of dark that sooth
as they silence
like the bitten lips that bear witness
to the rain unfallen
sometimes i race them
running blindly, i laugh at their roots
i careen through the snapping, whipping
twigs
or maybe i break them off for sheer pleasure
as i run
faster and swifter, snatching my feet from the ground,
wanting nothing more than to collapse and break
and run no more
but as i wait to be drained i push further,
laughter darting out of me between breaths
and i am caught
i struggle, i twist like a fish to get away
although i want nothing more than to be trapped
helpless
to live my small life and not be forced
to grasp a destiny that is bigger than my whole world
still i push against the branches that enfold me
as i push i am forced up, away from the roots,
away from the earth,
from the rain-spattered leaves i ascend
until i confront the sky
i am massive against it
my eyes are large with exhaustion,
big enough to stare it down.
we contemplate each other
and before its simple beauty i am cowed
i think of my dark, tangled jungle
my clinging earth, my stinging branches,
and the rain, the rain, the eternal rain
i wish to stay here
nestled between its winds and my branches
but that is not enough
i want to escape even these clutches
now,
while the fear is strong in me and i am
unsettled, off balance, for the moment unguarded
now i would make my move and escape
who will take me higher?
when can i go?
or am i to stay here and mourn
the ironical fate, the sardonic onlooker,
who gave me the desire and removed the means?