haven

has been forever.

2009-05-21T21:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time. So long that I don't think anyone reads this blog anymore, so I should be completely safe in posting my thoughts, names unchanged, as always. Also I felt it was time to add something from that last post, otherwise it will seem as if I've had my feelings hurt for over a year.

Today Malcolm and I went out for my birthday. I was hoping it would be a friendly occasion. I've been slowly sitting out the tempestuous phase of my singlehood, and now it seems to be nearly concluded. I don't get terribly lonely at night. I don't crave attention from men (though I enjoy it when it comes) and I'm not fixated on getting into another relationship. I've managed to switch my focus from what I need to do to get into another relationship, to what I need to do to complete myself. And I've been so busy lately that the whole thing has become a moot point. In fact, sitting across from Malcolm today, I found myself posing the question, "Why? Why should we get back together?"

I've always found Jarrett's lack of interest in getting into a relationship rather unsettling, but it seems I'm coming around to his way of thinking. The only thing that makes me nervous is the knowledge that there will never be a rational motivation for getting into a relationship. Feeling independent of the need to relate to someone romantically is all very well and good, but I don't want to rid myself of it forever, and I don't know how to preserve an on-switch - much less how to install a mechanism for turning it on.

Over dinner (which was excellent) the conversation turned to our past relationship. This was not ideal, but I thought it might be best to get this stuff off our chests. Having been in Malcolm's position (but with far fewer opportunities to express my feelings) I remember the burden of unspoken things... regrets, resolves, emotions. I wanted to give him a chance to say those things, just one chance, and hell, why not indulge myself. So we talked about things we regretted in our relationship, lessons we had learned from it, etc. Unfortunately, this led to Malcolm making an argument that we should get back together. I tried to express that I was not interested in this option, but I didn't want to be cold about it, and Malcolm chose not to be dissuaded. I chose to be honest with him, and admitted that I have lingering feelings for him, but I made it clear I didn't see that as sufficient reason to get back together. We have leftover emotions. So what? Those are related to the past. They are not an argument for the future. Assuming we're starting fresh, why should we get together? Who would profit from it? What purpose would it serve? And we are not starting fresh, we would be building on the foundation of a demolished relationship. What then?

It was hard to say these things to Malcolm's face. I know he's changed. I'm not completely unmoved by his assertion that things would be different this time. Since the chances involved would mean he would treat me extremely well, something I have a great weakness for, it wasn't easy. But my standards have changed - again. There was a time when I wanted to be worshipped. Now I would rather be esteemed, as by an equal. This changes everything. It's not conducive with dating men I don't respect or feel challenged by. I respect Malcolm, but I don't see myself feeling challenged by him. I would get bored, or complacent.

It is not fun having this attitude. Part of me was addicted to the rush of falling in love; the feeling of getting carried away, the taking of risks, the adrenalin, the pheromones. Now I'm turning down my favourite drug and frankly it is making me cranky, even though I am completely aware that this is the better choice.

We left the restaurant and got gelato (and it too was excellent) and walked back to Glendon from Bayview and Eglinton. The second-to-last play in the Fridge Festival (the first set, before the intermission, was mediocre at best) was about an English major who falls in love with an Econ major, who starts writing poetry because of her and becomes famous. Later he experiences deep regret over mistakes he made in the way he treated her. There was much more to the story, but I picked out those bits because they reminded me of Malcolm and I and it was rather uncomfortable.

After the Fridge Festival, Malcolm took me on a walk to show me the slow way up from the Glendon gym so i wouldn't always have to take the stairs after my workouts. I allowed him to do this despite the fact that I know the route quite well because I suspected he was trying to protract our time together and if he had some purpose or destination in mind, I thought I might as well go along with it. Nothing monumental happened, except that he brought up the subject of our getting back together again and I changed the subject several times. He had switched tactics from trying to change my mind to trying to get me to take time and think it over. The play we had seen seemed to him to be the perfect argument in favour of us getting back together. I did not feel the same way.

Malcolm walked me up to my room to get his bag, which he had stowed there, and we said goodbye. He opened his arms for a hug, so we hugged, and as I pulled away he took my hands and made his last plea. I had been hoping this would not happen. I don't respond well to physical contact, by which I mean I respond extremely well to physical contact so I usually avoid it in situations as charged as this one. Malcolm's argument was simply that he was not happy without me, and I had already confessed (a week ago, when I was desperately lonely) that I wasn't happy either. So we should get together and be happy. It was at this point that my inner equilibrium got knocked off. Malcolm had successfully created a moment charged with emotion and tension. He pulled me in for another hug, kissed my cheek, and left. I made no attempt to disguise my discomfort and awkwardness. All of this was thoroughly interspersed with significant pauses and meaningful looks. If he had done the classic waiting-to-see-if-she-calls-me-back move, he would have heard the door close and then a distinct thump as I hit my head against it from the other side. It only needed a wrong move or two, less resolution, more sexual tension, to go seriously awry.

Tonight, a man who has been in love with me for more than two years proposed to try the whole thing again, this time with more sensitivity, more maturity, better communication, far better treatment, fewer narcotics. I said no. I am awesome.

my dream.

2008-02-17T18:01:00.000-08:00

I hadn't been eating in awhile so that probably explains it.

Last evening our last prayer group was with the high school serving ones and that probably explains it too.

But this is what I dreamed.

It was one of those time-lapse dreams and a lot of time passed and a few different places got merged into one. But I was in a high school we were using for Ignite (at least it felt like Ignite) and it was also my university campus. And I met this really nice guy somehow and over a long period of time that got squished into a few minutes, we kept bumping into each other, and then talking a bit, shyly, and as we got to know each other better I learned he was really outdoorsy and we walked around in a forest while he identified different flora and fauna for me. And there was something with a horse; I think I learned horseback riding. Anyways, there was one moment where we were hugging in the high school hallway and who came walking by but Nathan himself.

I was astonished to see him in my dream. I've never dreamed about him, not that I remember, not even when there was reason to; and I haven't had him on my mind for a long, long time. But there he was.

He came up from behind this guy, so I saw his reaction. He stopped, took a second look, and came over to intervene. I think he was taller than usual; he just stood there with his most condescending Nathan face, like we had just asked him the difference between acoustic and electric, and he said to the guy, "No, no, no. I think I know what's going on here, and I get it and everything, but trust me - you don't want this one. She's really unhappy right now."

and I was like what the heck? I wasn't mad. Just astonished. Even asleep, I knew it was really weird for Nathan to interfere like that. He wasn't in love with me, he wasn't jealous, he didn't want to take me away from this guy. He was trying to give him some good advice; he was trying to tell him to stay away because I was bad news.

So I said, "What?...no, I am happy."

and he said, "No you're not." And then he added, "have you talked to your sister Mary recently?"

and what he seemed to be saying was that he had spoken to Mary and she told him something which led him to believe I wasn't happy.

and then he walked away and the guy walked away and I was alone in the hallway, incredibly confused.

and I was so confused that I woke myself up.

weird dream.

questions:

Why am I trying to tell myself that I'm unhappy?

should I call Mary?

Why wasn't I with Malcolm?

EN 3240

2007-10-19T23:37:00.000-07:00

# 31.

I am a puzzle being pulled apart, I am a sandcastle slowly sloughing away
I am lost in a world several sizes too big and when I reach out,
I can’t feel the walls, I can’t feel the walls,
Where are the walls, where are the walls, where am I?
I have lived in an iron lung but I loved it but I left it
I have made it this far pushing up, pushing through, avid-eyed and resolute
And now you are the proffered apple of my peril.

My world is textbook definitions, my world is medical presciptions, it is linear, it is monochromatic, or was;
It is familiar interdictions, it is neat organizations, it is sorting everything into black and white
I am a sage and a mother, always right; I am a scholar, quoting my books
And you are a sullen teenager, mocking my rules,
Loathing my complacency,
Running gleefully roughshod through my pretty world
like a child
with a needle
in a roomful of balloons.

I have arachnophobia, I have a fear of the foreign, of the alien and unknown, of eight superfluous eyes,
of rigid, jointed legs, of a mechanical fashion of moving – not pretty, but efficient,
like a tank or a robot; of evil, surreptitious machinations,
of the facelessness, the soullessness, the silence of spider’s eyes and spider’s legs
but I love spiderweb, the way it wavers in the wind, its lovely, fragile charm,
the way it pulls me in closer, like fire,
until I start back, looking for the spider.
And in my new world several sizes too big there are spiderwebs everywhere and I love it
Except that they all have spiders somewhere and I see them if I look.
And all of this is nothing to you,
there is nothing unfamiliar to you, nothing novel to you,
nothing to react to,
all of this is so long ago that you can’t remember how it feels.

I am reactionary, I am reflexes induced with rubber hammers,
I am what I was taught to be
And you have thrown off the shackles of prior knowledge,
Of lectures from people who know how you feel,
Of the battle between want and desire and need and feel and fear and require and dread,
Between should and must, between could and cannot.
You have escaped and now wait for me to shamble my way through,
And I am hanging back because this way to knowledge leads,
But I have left complacency behind and I rather miss it

And I am swearing up and down that God has told me that of this tree I shall not eat,
Nor even touch,
And you are asking me if he really said that,
You are encouraging me in heavenly ambitions, in a most liberating heresy;
You are showing me a world of little gods, all knowing right from wrong for themselves,
Naming them as values to be known or unknown,
Glaringly revealed or subtly obscured or ignored or reinvented or uniformly rejected or just never thought about,
Just never thought about.
And oh, your world is beautiful because you believe it
And mine is full of rubble and distant rumblings of dynamited foundations,
My world is self-destructing, it is unsustainable,
There is dust everywhere and broken furniture.

Your world is just one and mine is still two and I will never forgive you for knowing
When I am still asking.

My Life is Falling Apart.

2007-10-12T19:50:00.000-07:00

or rather, my life is in a constant state of flux and it's starting to wear me down.

Malcolm and all things malcolm-related are coming together nicely.

School is coming together in one sense - I dropped a course I couldn't attend regularly, and made arrangements to make it up during the winter semester and the summer, discovering in the process that I'm really well set up for my degree requirements, which was nice.
On the other hand, I need to start attending a certain tutorial I've been missing. But my absence so far can't have done any lasting damage, since I've attended every lecture and done all the readings.

Spiritually-wise, I was late for my youth group today and they had to start worship without me. I don't like letting people down, but it was a unique situation that shouldn't happen again, and it worked out fine in the end.

WORK IS FALLING DOWN AROUND ME. I shouldn't have canceled this last shift, and now they're threatening to write me up. It's my fault, of course, I shouldn't have been so flippant about my job. The problem is they judge me week to week - they remember that I canceled last week, but they don't remember the shifts that I do come in for. I was a stellar employee during the summer; it's only recently that my downward spiral began, but they act as if I'm been terrible from day 1. Maybe that's logical, I don't know. But there's so much going on right now that I just can't keep it all balanced. Something is always spinning out of control. I need to lose something, I think, to keep everything else together. But nothing is dispensible.

I have a shift on Sunday. I'm going to take the opportunity to talk to my manager and try to sort things out. I'll probably end up working every other weekend, or something. I don't really need to take my hours down more, once a week is actually sufficient for me. But I can't cancel any shifts for a long time, so I need to give myself as much leeway as possible.

It should be ok. Eventually.

i figured it out

2007-07-16T09:11:00.000-07:00

almost. The problem, I think, is that this relationship makes me a worse person. I'm irrational, unbalanced and I can't stop fighting with him. I'm not getting the support I need in my Christian life. I find myself changing because of him - and I can't decide which is better, to become ultra-defensive or to lose my backbone entirely. I usually end up doing the first because I don't like the thought of the second, but it's becoming more appealing. I could just turn quiet and meek. It'd mean less fights.

I've proposed a summer hiatus. A 'break', if you will. And he has nothing but contempt for the idea of breaks; he says they don't solve anything. But I need a break. I'm spiralling into the kind of person I don't want to be and I want to stop and get a handle on it. I want to be able to be with him but i don't know if I can do it without doing damage to myself at the same time. And this isn't fair to him, either.

update.

2007-07-02T10:41:00.001-07:00

So I was reading other people's bloggers and felt bad because everyone else updates more than me. So here goes.

I'm really floundering relationship-wise, and I shouldn't be. This guy is loving, sensitive and thoughtful. And completely committed. I'm the problem here, which is a novel position for me to be in. And I really am happy 80% of the time, but that grade was never quite good enough for us in high school ( am I right) and it's not quite good enough now. The problem is that he's so sensible and logical that he's almost always right. About everything. Any position he chooses to take on a certain issue becomes the right position. So where does that leave me? If I choose to disagree, then I'm going to be proven wrong and sooner or later i'll have to apologise, if we were fighting, or admit that he's right, if we were just talking. But if I agree with him right away, then I lose all my freedom. Either way it's eating away at me. So I start to see attacks where there are none, and take offense at things he says that he didn't mean that way, and I end up picking fights with him. The cycle is getting faster and faster. Last time there were only a few minutes between the beginning of our conversation to the beginning of another fight.

And every time we start fighting I just feel despair, because we're starting down this vicious circle again and I don't know how to stop it. And for a few minutes I'll start to wonder if this is going to be the fight that ends everything, and sometimes the thought scares me and sometimes it seems as if it'd be for the best. But then, tiredly, we start trying to sort out who-said-what and how we got into the fight and why, and in the end we always understand where the other person was coming from. And we've saved ourselves, again, but only from breaking up. Not from fighting. And the next fight could be only seconds away. It's exhausting.

Neither of us is happy; we're too nervous, wondering when the next fight is going to start. We're hanging on, but not by much, and it's not for the sake of our relationship. It's more just because we're both stubborn and we hate the idea of giving up. This is his first relationship, and it's the first of mine that has lasted this long. We've tied up a lot of ourselves in this, and the thought of ending it seems too extreme.

In a place like this, when I'm confused and unhappy, I'm not very safe. I'm moody and impulsive, and completely capable of getting myself into regrettable situations. It's like this relationship is a house of cards, and I've got a twitch in my fingers.

Workwise, I'm not getting enough hours and it's driving me CRAZY. I guess that's another factor in everything else - stress.

Glendon is keeping me happy, though. I was content for nearly two weeks to obsess over schedules and course lists, tweaking my workload, making calls to ask if I could take an extra course, sending emails, submitting portfolios, adding and dropping and adding and dropping. I got completely lost in the whole thing and it was great. And then I got my residence offer, and that kept me occupied for another few days trying to figure out if I should stay in Hilliard or move to Wood, and the pros and cons of that. Everything with school is going according to plan, and it's the only part of my life that's coming together like that. But everything is taken care of now, and nothing remains except to send in my residence forms. So I've got to find another consolation. But that could be dangerous.

giving up

2007-06-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

And I love you, but this is never what I want.
And are we just getting struck with reality?
Or should we be fighting for better?
And is it better to hold on with teeth and claws
and is it better to suck up all of the wrongs
or should we give it all up now,
just cut our losses, just get out
and does it matter anymore

And you love me, but I'm not lovable these days.
And is it your job to get it out of me?
Or should you be looking for better?
And is it better to love me into staying
and is it better to keep me with praying
or should you just throw in the towel,
get out while you still know how?
It doesn't matter anymore
if you love me.

your love

2007-06-02T20:39:00.000-07:00

Your love is like a fork in the road -
Your love forces me to decide on a personna;
from all of the potential torias
I choose, every day, to be the one who loves you back.

Your love is a leg brace.
I can walk but I have to walk your way.
You found a half and you will leave me whole;
but I know that your love has wrapped itself around me
and that I am growing to fit it,
but reluctantly.

Your love is reality, and I am haunted with old dreams.
Your love is fluorescent lighting in fitting rooms;
it makes me hate myself.
Your love is the second flame in my life,
and I flit from one to the other like a moth
unable to decide which is more attractive.
And when I realize that I have lost all discipline,
all focus,
all integrity,
then I see myself for what I am,
for what your love makes me,
and I want to live without your love.

Your love is like a concave mirror -
it inverts everything.
Your love makes me selfish and unselfish in all the wrong places.
When I would normally act in my own best interest,
I find myself unable to ignore the heartbreak it would cause you.
And when I would perhaps decide to put my dreams aside
and settle into this excellent reality,
I am as unable to see past my wants as any spoiled child.

Your love is a mystery, and mine is twice as mysterious.
I am a fabulous girlfriend; I am everything you could want.
But I betray you every day, in my heart.
I suppose no one else would call it betrayal,
but that's not much comfort.
I know what to call it
even if no one else does.

You are the love that it never occurred to me to dream of,
because I would never have dreamed so big.
You offer me a good relationship;
the chance to be someone I desperately want to be.
I am terrified, every day, that I just don't have it in me.

so it's been awhile.

2007-05-01T12:09:00.001-07:00

It's been a long time since the last post.
So long in fact that I feel safe in the knowledge that almost no one will read this.

Things that have changed since last post:
1. I'm dating.
2. I'm a bonified English major.
3. I speak and understand French.
4. I am poverty-stricken.
5. I am a proud Loblaws employee.
6. I lived away from home for 8 months.
7. I crave my own cooking.

Things that haven't changed since last post:
1. My confusion over nate. It haunts me still, just a little more quietly these days.
2. Missing the band. Every day I wonder if today will be the day I'll talk to someone about rejoining.

Nothing ever changes. I wish it would.

Class of '06

2006-12-04T11:45:00.000-08:00

Do you remember?
like I remember,
do you remember the nights and the days,
staring straight up into God's face.
And do you remember?
like I remember,
we stood boldly before the throne,
secure in His blood, secure on our own.
And do you remember?
like I remember,
we swore there'd be no compromise,
we'd pay the price, we'd live the christian life.
And we knew
it was possible, so much more than possible.
Our faith couldn't be a lie.

Do you remember?
Like I remember,
the first days of doubt set in,
because the lines we drew had taken us in
and we realized it wasn't just us and them.
Do you remember?
Like I remember, we realized this life it's not that bad.
Yeah they drink and they smoke, but it's not that bad;
they always have a good time, so it's not that bad.
And do you remember?
Like I remember,
We forgot the last time we ever prayed,
all we know is we're losing the christian race.
And we wondered,
is it possible, could it be possible?
Were we always a lie?

Do you remember?
Like I remember,
or maybe we'd all rather forget
but we know it's true, it's not over just yet.
Will you admit you remember?
Cuz I know I remember,
the day we turned, the day we learned
it was possible to walk away.
And so we did, and we walked so far
all of our lights got hidden, we forgot who we are.
I know you remember,
cuz I'll always remember.
We thought, it's possible, it's more than possible.
The whole thing must be a lie.

Do you remember?
I wish I could remember,
those words we knew so well,
about keeping the faith and getting up if you've fallen.
Will we never remember?
Doesn't someone remember,
that the darkness times well, they come and they go;
that the lessons we learn, they strip us down and they show
that we're real,
and even though it's heart-breaking,
at least it's better than faking.
So let's try to remember,
maybe someday we'll remember,
that hope is possible, that God is possible.
Could it be possible? Let it be possible…

promise breakers

2006-11-18T17:40:00.000-08:00

we are promise breakers.
We are a world of cutthroat accountants,
balancing faults with virtues,
justifying our failures with
past triumphs or triumphs to come
or even just it'll-never-happen-again.
We may break even but we'll never break out,
we'll always be scrambling towards
justification, rightness, and will
never quite make it.
We will always be promise breakers,
making promises we hope to keep
and simultaneously consider breaking;
we have mastered doublethink.

And that is why we are so complicated;
that is why we tangle ourselves
in disbelief and discouragement,
in failure like phone cord,
when confronted with a God who keeps promises.
What do we know about such things?
Why should we believe that it could be true?
Ought we to say that humanity learned lying
by studying a truth-teller,
that, therefore, a truth-teller must exist?
perhaps, but it is not enough.
We are complicated because
we are confronted with a God
who tells the truth and keep his promises
not for the sake of his health,
but to accomplish something.
We are complicated because we have agreed,
signed on,
and promptly forgotten our promises.
Promise-breakers.
We are complicated because we have all been
taken in hand
and are taught lessons that we do not understand,
because when we fail it looks like failure
but it's still a lesson,
and when we succeed it looks like success
but it's still a lesson.

We are promise-breakers who have promised ourselves
to a promise-keeper;
and that is where all our failure comes from,
and all our hope.

dedicated to.

2006-09-21T01:35:00.000-07:00

i think we settle too easily these days,
because we search for acceptance and
find it, sometimes,
and sometimes get lost along the way.
Make a short detour and end up drunk and singing off-key.
and that's just looking for acceptance, not love.
(Everyone thinks they're looking for someone else
to love them unconditionally.
But it's not true.
What we want, what we truly want
and what we are always looking for
and what we can never resist,
is the feeling of loving ourselves.
The problem is that we can't remember how,
and need someone else to do it first.)
We look all the harder
because we want it so much more.
We go farther and faster before realizing
we've made a wrong turn.
and the playing field becomes a marketplace
and people bargain and barter.
Knock down each other's prices,
look over new merchandise,
wear each other down.
But it doesn't work.
Because if you sell a gasp of breath for love,
you hate the walls that see you do it.
And when we make our smiles bright and shiny
we fall victim to the magpies,
but we shine brighter still after the thievery and lies
because we have a lie to perpetuate.
Because we hope no one will ever know.
And we hold on to what we have given away,
because it would be worse to let go.

update

2006-09-11T21:16:00.000-07:00

well rez is an interesting experience so far. I mean on one hand, you make friends with whole groups of people... and sometimes it's a great feeling to just kick back with a roomful of friends and laugh and talk and snack. But eventually we'll all have to go back to our rooms.. and you're always alone at night. That part is hard. For some reason I never felt alone at night before. I mean at home it's the same deal, at night you go to bed and you're alone in your room. But it's different. I don't know how other people cope, but I fend off loneliness with books and mugs of tea and endless tidying. We all have a craving for homemade food. Chocolate chip cookies from home could practically be currency, and we all really do miss our mom's spaggetti. Except me, because not being italian our pasta was never anything to boast of. But I do miss her cookies, and her pasta salad, and her endless food-experiments that were mostly successful. I miss my own cookies too, for that matter. I was awesome at baking. BUT NOW I DON'T HAVE A KITCHEN. Bah. I'm going home one weekend and bringing back all manner of baked goods. I like weekends better than any other time. It's quieter, more tranquil. All the transients go home and Glendon is left to us. It really is a beautiful campus, and I love walking around on it.. these days especially, the weather is beautiful.
I'm settling in at the caf, learning what is good and what's not. They have a mini pizza pizza, the type with a few pizzas rotating slowly under a heat lamp, but I'm never tempted unless they have vegetarian. The Grill reinvented itself - we must now refer to it as "Coyote John's" or some such crap, and I am miffed. If they had gotten rid of the sunrise sandwich I'd have thrown a tantrum right then and there. It's all about getting to know the staff, so you can wheedle more food out of them. I got an extra perogie today. I'm sure they know why we're so nice to them, all crafty with our big smiles and our interested questions, but they're cafeteria staff. Who else are they going to talk to? The Bistro is better food, but it's also more expensive - and although we were all extravagantly flippant about our meal cards at first, we've outgrown that It's-Daddy's-Money phase and are now counting costs. Also, the Bistro is situated down a brutal flight of stone steps that you're going to have to hike back up after your meal. Incidentally it's also in the gym, which I find ironic considering how much cheese and salt is in that food.
We're all affection-starved. I think everyone misses the friendships we had in high school - I know I do - but I don't think anyone has any idea how to make it happen again, so we hang on and hope for the best. We speak of going home, always because our parents want us - we say it rolling our eyes but we go, every single time, and everyone understands. We go because it's home and everyone has to go home sometimes. Cheap laundry and home-cooked meals are the excuses we make, but I think the truth is much less cool.
The girls with boyfriends are holding on, and I hope they make it, but I'm glad it's not me.
As an aside, it comes as no surprise to me that there's so much drinking, partying and sex among university frosh. Everyone comes to university to metamorphose; name me three faster ways to become the person you think you want to be.
I hear ghost knocks outside my door all the time. I don't think it's really ghosts, but I'm not sure what it is yet because I'm always inside with my door closed. The first couple of times I went to the door and answered it, and of course the hall was empty. Sometimes I wonder if it's just because I wish someone would knock. lol bah I sound so lonely. I shouldn't - everyone who walks by smiles and says hi, and more often than not invites me out somewhere. But we've all learned to respect everyone's alone time, as well. No, it's not that I'm really lonely. I don't know what it is.
Anyways. I was seriously bummed when school had the audacity to start, but book-shopping was exciting even if the classes weren't. Here's hoping I get up on time tomorrow.

toria

back and stuff

2006-08-01T21:56:00.000-07:00

alright so i'm back from my wanderings and stuff. Sorry der, i could barely keep in touch with myself much less everyone else, to let them know where i was going to be. This past week I was in montreal, before that in columbus, then in toronto, then buffalo, and in between there was another weekend in columbus. All in all it's been a great summer, i met a lot of really cool church people that i'm going to try to keep in touch with.. hopefully... and i'm generally in high spirits and feeling good =) which is always a good sign.
momentarily frustrated at the moment because well. But this too shall pass, etc, and i'm starting at glendon soon! eep. I saw the place in may when i went to enrol in courses and whatnot, and it's a really small campus but i was still intimidated. Apaprently the food choices suck though, it's either cafeteria food or mr. sub. This is going to be interesting; I think i shall perfect the art of cup noodle-making. not that there's an art, more's the pity. I have to get stuff for my room to help utilize my space more efficiently, because i'm planning on taking my books with me and i haven't the foggiest where they're going to go. I just know i can't live without them...

miracle night

2006-07-23T22:40:00.000-07:00

back from mountaintop. Off to montreal! Never a dull moment!

miracle night

we flew.
from the doors and windows
over the pavement into the street
we crowded like scribbled names
like an immense clutter of love -
we had a pickup and a tub of water
and wings.
one by one and one to another, one and one and one.
People materialized, appeared at our sides
above us, behind us, pushing up, pushing through,
avid-eyed and resolute
flying.
And we roared the words that made them right,
shrieked until they troe from our throats like
shirts torn from backs to catch the water
and the water ran and pooled underfoot from the feet
of the fliers, from the eyes of the baptizers.
We screamed and sang
under the streetlights,
all of us staring at the others in awe disbelieving.
We could not stop would never stop not until
one by one and one to another, one and one and one.
flying, we flew over inhibitions and through crowds.
Roaring, we touched them all briefly, brushed with them
and we flew.
Do you remember.

these days

2006-06-29T15:46:00.000-07:00

these days I wander in an apathetic trance that i hope will last years. I can't wait to settle into being single, which sounds weird because it's been that way for a few years but that doesn't mean I was settled. But now I think I can justifiably say to myself and everyone else that all of my attempts to move on have crashed and burned and can i please just take some time to let it be. I'm tired of trying to prove that I've made progress; I'm tired of talking to people only to have them repeat for the hundredth time, "but toria, it really is time to move on". I know that; I figured it out before anyone else and I've been trying ever since. And I've got it all down emotionally, but the whole getting-into-another-relationship bit, the final proof, the supposed litmus test - i just can't do it. And not because there haven't been opportunities, and not because i don't want to, but because there's a difference between forcing yourself to get over someone and forcing yourself to love someone else. One is possible, the other isn't. And maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I've been pushing myself for too long and I just want to rest now. I resent everyone assuming that they know my emotional status just because there's no guy in the picture.

2006-06-25T15:17:00.000-07:00

no one said anything about growing up.

Put Your Machine Guns Down (Witchunt)

2006-06-17T21:07:00.000-07:00

It's like they crouch from on high , settled in their distant posts
and they see me only through the sights of their rifles.
Brother, why not raise your eyes from the line of your gun,
why not take me out of your crosshairs and see that I'm your sister?
See, I am like you. Come down here, only for a moment, and look through my eyes.
They never listen.
I hear bullets humming and whistling all around,
like hissed words, like electric hatred,
as they take out the people beside me.
And I am not sad for the lives stolen from me -
I, the smaller and the less sure,
or for the blank, contemptuous look in the
dead eyes of the people I used to laugh with.
I am not sad.
I am perplexed.
I would like to seize a rifle and take aim,
choose a window, take my time adjusting the crosshairs,
perfecting the shot,
and then take out one of them.
Maybe just in the foot, just enough to give him pause.
Make him think.
But Brother, I am powerless against you.
I ought to empty the bullets from my gun, wearily,
I might as well just throw them to you.
Because I would rather be shot down by my brother,
let him spill my life into the gutters and street dirt,
than lift a hand to hurt him in return.
Is this your Christian life, brother?
This targeting of the young and the unsure?
I cannot stop you and I will not join you in your sport, so continue by all means.
You cannot hurt me, and maybe I can save a few others.
But Brothers, though you shout so loud against your sisters
and call for their destruction,
so zealous that you can hardly bear to
pause in your shouting to catch your breath,
though you have no tears to spare for the lives you have blighted
and confused,
maybe we can all put our machine guns down. Just for a minute.
Maybe get it so quiet we can hear the pins drop,
the heartbeats stop.
Maybe we will all turn and regard the wounds of our church,
whom we have ripped apart with our lips and teeth;
maybe we can take a second to mourn the breaking of God's heart.
(My God, My God, look at the crimes we have committed in your name.
Do you think this is the first time men have hunted witches
and burned their own grandmothers?
The first time we have denounced adultery
and stoned our wives?
This is not the first time we have stopped lives
in the name of Life, crippled spirits for the sake of the Spirit.
We may be different but we are not better, not as long
as the witchunt continues.)

I stole the pca poem ;)

2006-06-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

Jesus Generation
And this is the vision of a Jesus-Generation:
A generation that has heard the call of those who are needy adn dying
and has grown tired of the current situation.
A generation that seeks the face of Jesus
and seeks to establish his kingdom in our present tense.
A generation whose heart is hurt
by the things that hurt the heart of God.
A generation that is willing to live the life of one who carries his cross
for the sole glory of Jesus' name.
A generation that is not crippled by comfort,
that is not blinded by materialism,
that is not unarmed by peer pressure,
and is not poisoned by compromise.
A generation that speaks of love immeasurable by volume.
A generation of sons and daughters who walk hand in hand
undivided and unified as the Church by the head, Jesus Christ.
A generation that is willing to reach out
to those who have lost all hope,
to those who have lost all contact,
to those who hvae lost all respect,
to those who have lost all peace,
to those who have lost all love,
to those who are lost.
A generation whose worship is seen on the streets,
helping the helpless,
feeding the hungry,
comforting the hurting,
clothing the naked,
giving to the needy,
loving the loveless,
which is their praise to the Father.
A generation that marches in boldness,
because they know the Truth
and are ever-ready for demonstrations of the holy Spirit.
And their name will be none other than "Christian",
reflections of Jesus Christ,
mirroring the Light from all corners of the city.
For this is the real life that the Lord has required.
This is the life of abundance the Lord has promised if we seek.
This is the Christian life, the way it's supposed to be.

2002 Recalled2Life Ministries, Canada.

what we were about (derek)

2006-06-08T12:21:00.000-07:00

when am I gonna lean on your shoulder again?
I gotta go but I don't want to leave you, my friend
Life pulls us along, it's go on or get out
rest assured we'll all meet again in the end
I just wanted to remind you
this is what we were about

[chorus]
cuz we ran together and never fell behind
I don't know how I'm going to leave you behind
cuz we were about life and we were about laughter
we were all about each other
doesn't that even matter?
how can it not matter that I'm running and you're running
somewhere else?

if we had a sound it'd be acoustic guitar,
progressions and power chords strumming down the years.
Tried to learn, I never did get very far
but right now I can't play for the tears
I just wanted to remind you,
this is what we were about

[chorus]
[chorus]

don't forget what we were about
cuz real friends aren't made, but found
I won't ever forget what we were about
but I just can't stick around...

stick around

2006-06-06T23:06:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I want
you ask every five minutes and every five minutes i tell you
that I just don't know what I want.
or maybe,
maybe it's not only you.

I can't spell it out for you
I can't tell you what you want to hear, I only speak the truth
but I can't spell it out for you
but maybe
if you could just stick around

maybe just stick around for the ride
i know it's not as charming as the bended knee routine
but it's all I have to give, not quite
as worthless as it seems
cuz I've found that you stay still
no matter how much I change
yeah, you stay still

I wish I knew what to do with you
cuz I want to love you if only because it'd be simple
but I still don't know what to do with you
but maybe
maybe i'lll figure it out soon.

So don't give up on me just yet
because we're all up in the air and we don't know how we'll come down
please, don't give up on me just yet
and maybe
maybe if you could just stick around

maybe just stick around for the ride
I know it's not as charming as the bended knee routine
but it's all I have to give, not quite
as worthless as it seems
cuz I've found that you stay still
no matter how much I change
yeah, you stay still.

don't ask me what I want cuz I don't know
which I want more.
maybe I lost my heart awhile ago
or maybe it's yours.

last time was the last time

2006-06-03T14:43:00.000-07:00

don't forget to say goodbye
they say like that's
all it takes
take a last look round,
they say like that's
all you have to do
but every morning says goodbye
and every night says we'll miss you
goodbye can so easily pass you by
goodbye can so easily pass..

so don't say farewell, i'll write, i'll call
just don't say goodbye at all
because if we lived every moment like it was our last
if we paid attention instead of doing it fast
it'd never hurt to say goodbye
goodbye would never pass us by

because last time was the last time
I'll stand up there
last time was the last time I'll see you there
last time was the last time,
i missed it, i missed it,
but if i'd been living like it was my last
paying attention instead of doing it fast
it wouldn't hurt to say goodbye

take a break from thinking and just look around
take a break from thinking and just listen
maybe if we stopped finding and realized we've found
maybe if we stopped talking and just listened

because last time was the last time
I'll stand up there
last time was the last time I'll see you there
last time was the last time,
I missed it, I missed it,
but if I'd been living like it was my last
paying attention instead of doing it fast
it wouldn't hurt to say goodbye.

maybe if we only said hi more often
it wouldn't hurt to say goodbye

so

2006-05-10T16:37:00.000-07:00

so i'm going on the music tour. BAH i am le tired of touring but hey, it's all in the interests of art.

let the countdown begin.

2006-04-18T19:02:00.000-07:00

So today in philosophy I figured out the total number of days we have left before we graduate, and it is le 70. Let me break that down. OK I WAS BORED.
Today is the 18th, which means counting today there are 13 days left in April.
May has 31 days, so we're at 44.
Then graduation is officially on the 27th, which puts us at 71.
That sounds really long BUT it counts weekends and all the time from the 16th onward that we're done exams.
So let's take those out. (I'm really bored and I don't wanna study for bio)
4+8+8+6 = 26.
and we're down to 45!
45 DAYS OF SCHOOL LEFT, GUYS =)
(helloooo, bio.)

demons

2006-04-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

my tongue was practically forked, guys.
you don't know why but i'm sorry.

for the record

2006-04-09T15:35:00.000-07:00

so leave, because you can and I
I don't need lies to lasso you with.
Go because you can. I will go nowhere.
Neither will I reach after you,
inveigle you back. Go
because you can.
I said what i did to make
an even battleground
so now we operate under no handicaps
and I will show you no mercy
because you have shown me none
and because mercy in me is a form
of willful blindness.
so go because you can and
because I cannot stop you,
Which is to say that the
weapons in my arsenal are too cruel.
I refuse to lie or flirt my way back,
and guilt is entirely too blunt and
unpredictable.
Go because you can and
because -see?-
I have released hold on you
(only because you forced me to.)
go because you can, and
stay if you insist.
i am going nowhere.

what have i done?

2006-04-07T16:25:00.000-07:00

these days I see only the taut lines, the
the fallaway.
These days I see age and I see pallor where
there used to be purity
I see drawn cheekbones instead of round
but my God, my God, he will never be and I
cannot make him.
My God, look what I have done.
I have been passive in the most active of
ways
I have been nothing.
I have accepted and offered nothing in return,
we both know that is because I have nothing.
But I did not say the name. I said not the name because
it invoked too much,
because he would understand in flashes that
cannot be undone.
All the while I project, like a blind person
I paste voices to faces and create monstrosities.
I have done it so long and so well that they are
complete
and pound on the windows of my head to become real.
And I am silent in the face of their movement;
I hope that if I avert my eyes they will go away,
or that is what I tell myself
but the truth is my white cheek is a beacon.

I'm bored

2006-03-26T16:07:00.000-08:00

You know that video 'dirty little secret' that all-american rejects did? and they had the weird postcards with all kinds of really weird things written on them? Well i'm going to do that. But i'm not stupid so they'll be relatively harmless.

1. Every time I walk past my cat I blow in her ear just to make her shake her head.
2. Sometimes when no one's home I climb out my window and journal on my roof.
3. I love reheated macaroni and cheese - better than when it's just cooked.
4. I shop alone, and I like it.
5. My pale skin startles me just as much as it startles everyone else.
6. I don't get over people. Not really.
7. I'm stronger and fitter than I pretend. I just talk like I despise physical activity so other people will do heavy lifting for me.
8. If I'm up past midnight, I still wonder about the boogey man.
9. I can't handle big decisions when they're shoved in my face. I need months and months to mull them over.
11. 11:11 still stops me in my tracks and i no longer know why.
12. I think kissing is overrated. Seriously.

surreal

2006-03-14T16:31:00.000-08:00

did today really happen? Weird.

plateau i suppose

2006-03-13T20:24:00.000-08:00

So I don't know where to go after Call Someone Who Cares. It took up the last of the creative energy I got out of that hellish summer, and of course it used up that plot. It's the sum of my last year. There's nothing more to be said about it.. and it was really innovative for me, like really, so I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to do more in stream of consciousness because I need to get Rising out of my tone... but anything else feels like a step back. I didn't have this problem with Tale, because as far as style goes it was the same thing I'd been doing since I was ten, just better. But I don't know what to do. I'm playing with a bunch of tiny ideas that just kind of float around and never link up. I feel like i can sit on Call for awhile and wait for everything to catch up and get ahead of it.

Congratulations

2006-03-09T18:05:00.001-08:00

Is the first word in my email from mcmaster.
The rest of the sentence goes, "Mcmaster University is pleased (pleased!) to offer you admission to Humanities =D"
CUZ I GOT ACCEPTED TO HUMANITIES muahahahaha another one down. Ryerson is still playing hard to get, they better make up for it with scholarship offers. Or just overall coolness. Oh I love this feeling. People should apply to university every year. I can't remember anyone who applied to mcmaster but CHECK YOUR EMAIL or the OUAC thing so we can do the traditional screaming-circuit-of-the-school.
Now then. Where's Mcmaster?
(kidding)

You Don't Get to Rain on My Jimmy Eat World Parade.

2006-03-05T16:43:00.000-08:00

Yeah!

silly toria

2006-02-24T08:30:00.001-08:00

GUYS
among the bag-trash in the bottom of my schoolbag I found a check from my job at the Dragonfly Shop that I hadn't cashed. I am $80 richer =D when I get better I'm going shopping. Saving can wait.

Today is nausea day.

read it and WEEP

2006-02-20T19:26:00.000-08:00

or don't. At least not on my GLENDON ACCEPTANCE LETTER =D okok so I know that i already knew I got accepted, and I know that everyone else in PCA knows because I told everyone whose name I could remember, but come on. Paper is better. They're not offering scholarships until final marks come in (wise) which MEANS I have until may to pull off that 90. I swear if I graduate with an 89 I'll freak. Did you know you need an average of at least 72% to get into rez? That's not a problem for me but what if it was for someone else? hmm.
So I'm sick, and as nice as this is it just isn't a warm bed, so I'm off.
yeeheeeheee. But not to sleep. Too wired on acceptedness.

o.0

2006-02-18T20:15:00.000-08:00

I figured out the eye thing. I know this is a weird thing to devote my attention to but come on, it's weird. My eyes ARE getting bluer - but only half. The outside half of each eye is darker and has a dark blue line around it. That's what it is! and I'm really not exaggerating, they really did change. Even art said so. They used to be teal. People used to get confused about whether they were green, grey, blue or a mixture of all three. No more - they're just blue. Weird!

worrk

2006-02-16T20:28:00.000-08:00

dahh. I keep telling myself "after this week we'll be done. After this week we'll be done" but then I keep remembering that's what I said about last week, and the week before that. Last week was all about the humanities midterms. This week was bio test and english presentations and philo project (a work of art I must say). Next week thus far is looking like english isp and bio isp. Dahh. I don't like you, school.
Sighz. I don't like valentine's day season either, heidi. Let's ignore the month of february altogether (cept for der's bday)
HAPPY BDAY DER!!!!
he's 16 you know.

ahhhh

2006-02-13T15:13:00.000-08:00

as always, nothing makes me happier than skipping off work. Ok well I didn't skip off, my student's family hasn't finished moving. So I don't get paid, since I didn't do anything, BUT I have an evening unexpectedly. So I finished watching Bambi. What a sad movie. And what a work of art. And now I'm blogging, and then I'm going to surf everyone else's blogs, and then I suppose, if there's time, i'll do some homework.

just a song.

2006-02-12T11:50:00.000-08:00

I am le worried.
Come on, just smile for me and tell me it's ok. Don't you think I would believe you?
Let's get out. Let's go and we'll forget that the palpitations feel like skipping a beat
and the anxiety feels like insecurity and the
happiness feels like incredulity.
we'll forget.
Let's go and we'll forget
and I'll make you smile the way I'm so good at, the quips will come thick and fast and i will add wild gesturing and fantastic speculation just for you. Maybe a few card tricks, some pixie dust, a hint of mascara and kohl.
Let's go and we'll forget. We'll talk for hours, I promise, and I can keep this one. I'll put you under that spell I threatened, and you'll wake up seventy years old. Rip van Winkle, it'll be great. Let's just go.
I want to go and let's forget. I will if you will.
We will censor their names with black ink and blank expressions. Who? we'll say, a hint of coldness to remind of the contract.
Let's go and we'll forget. I can if you can.
I don't even know what i want apart from oblivion, a side of distraction.
we will, however, betray each other in our sleep. Dream in tangibility.

hear you me - jimmy eat world

2006-02-08T17:47:00.000-08:00

there's no one in town I know
you gave us someplace to go
i never said thank you for that
thought i might get one more chance

what would you think of me now?
so lucky, so strong, so proud
never said thank you for that
now i'll never get the chance

may angels lead you in
hear you me my friends
on sleepless roads the sleepless go
may angels lead you in

and if you are with me tonight
i'd sing to you just one more time
a song for a heart so big
God couldn't let it live

ADMITTED

2006-02-07T21:09:00.000-08:00

is what my york application MyFile tells me every time I check it which is often.
I'M GOING TO GLENDON!!!
unless ryerson pays me more.
Yesterday was the first day they looked at applications.
Man me and mel do everything together.. we even GET ACCEPTED TOGETHER!!! Everyone cross your fingers for wellman so the white people can stay together. I think I'm not as special as I'd like to believe because my average was nothing stellar last year and that's all they've got is it not? But I AM taking 3 englishes this year and it IS honours english =p
AND THEY LIKE ME ANYWAYS
I'm so happy!!!
OUAC needs to get with the times and realize that someone wants me.
(Ryerson doesn't release early acceptance until March 27th. They're playing hard to get, but they'll come around.) and then i'm going to brush up my french and take a tour and look at those rez rooms
CUZ GLENDON WANTS ME =D
w0000000000000t
everyone go check.

The next four months are going to be AWFUL

2006-02-06T06:04:00.000-08:00

February is going to be hell. March is going to be HELL. April isn't looking great either. And May.... May.... if I make it to May I'll reward myself with 24 hours of guilt-free sleep. Hibernate like a bear. sighz.
well last night was intense, and I'm a little ashamed of myself still. I feel like I interfered. I know that my involvement wouldn't help her at all if she knew, and that's a good sign that it shouldn't have been. I'm a little worried about that because if/when she finds out the role I played, she'll have the same problems with bitterness that I did during the summer. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But there's nothing I can do, now. I probably did too much. Why do people listen to me? Seriously. You only have my word that I know what I'm talking about, and often I say something like "I have no idea what I'm talking about." You want relationship advice, go to someone who's had a successful relationship. I don't even know what my definition of successful is but I doubt my past comes under that heading. My thoughts make a lot of sense sometimes, and they seem to be a good way of looking at the situation, but I'm just toria. I don't know anything. I'm talking out of my head. I hate influencing people, yet last night I couldn't help it. I threw away what remained of my restraint and meddled with both hands. I didn't even pretend to be unbiased. And I'm more biased than he knows. I just.. wish I had been able to keep my distance. I wanted him to make his decision his way.... but no matter how I tried to back away...it didn't work. I should have held my tongue. And the worst part is that if he read this he would deny it, he would say I helped him. He would say he was glad he talked to me. I know my way of thinking has influenced him. I feel like I've done something bad. Maybe because it's him. With someone else, someone more stubborn, someone more arrogant, I would push my opinion as strongly as I pleased, knowing they'd only accept it after examining it from every angle. Maybe that was my mistake.
I just I HATE what I see around me sometimes.... I see people slipping into relationships slowly, edging into it, like Lot moving a little closer and a little closer to Sodom. I HATE it. I care about these people and I don't want them to be hurt or unhappy or damaged and I'm afraid that that's what they're all headed for. And what makes me so mad is that they know it. They're not 100% behind these relationships. They feel the mediocrity, the imperfections, they feel not quite right not quite there but they KEEP GOING, too scared or too acclimatized to stop it even though the power is in their hands. They allow themselves to be made weak, when they used to be strong. They can barely be logical and they know it, all their mental capacity is used up trying to protect this relationship from the dangerous arguements of the people around them, from any idea or passing phrase that might make them question it. Because then they would have to confront things that they need to ignore. And it just.. gets to me. I know that I'm like this too, or was, probably more than I'm willing to admit. But. I'm better now... and I know it wasn't exactly my idea to adopt this lifestyle, to be single and happy, and it took a lot of pain and a lot of time to get here, and it was mostly on someone else's convictions, someone else's momentum...but I'm here now. And I hate the fact that the people around me can't or won't learn from what I went through. My goodness, that's what makes it worth it. But the worst part is that they don't even need me to see their problems clearly. All they need is the kind of courage that comes from devotion to truth and honesty, the kind of courage that allows them to look inward and confront what they find. And a pinch of logic.

all Mrs. Lee's fault

2006-01-30T16:29:00.000-08:00

So today in devotions Mrs. Lee (of terrible-bio-mark fame) started off our devotions with a thinger about marriage for girls... since Mr. Vermont *who hasn't looked me in the eyes since I quit his course =(* already did so for guys. And I missed the first bit because I was travelling to the washroom, in the washroom, and travelling back, but it sounded interesting even though I think she was sort of winding up when I got there which is depressing because teacher devotions are not to be missed and I wrote a story in stream of consciousness about a week ago and daRn if i'm not punctually challenged these days. Worst idea everrrr. We'll leave stream of consciousness to faulkner right guys? =D *audible groan from Lit class*
SO. I took a shower when I got home and I don't know what other people do with their shower time but I work through very important issues =p seriously. That's partly why it takes so long. Also because I have a sequence, I know guys don't understand this but there is a set routine that girls need to follow and it is time-consuming and they'll learn to deal when they get married. I'm really picky about my hot water so I spend forever getting it just right. And then you have to shampoo first so you can condition right after, because you leave conditioner in the whole time because the steam helps it sink in. And then there's soap and then there's bodywash and then there's exfoliating gel and maybe a little bit of pumice, and somewhere in there there's a razor. And of course for toria there's shower meditation. Honestly I get all my thinking done in the shower. So today I worked through why I want to get married =p because Mrs Lee is right, it's probably a good thing to know. And while I am excited about finding my soul mate blahblahblah and having a wedding day etc, that wasn't really what I focused on. Ok to be honest I started with the whole submission thing, which has always been an issue with me because I don't like the idea that some guy gets to tell me what to do. My best arguement was always "well, what if I marry an idiot?"
The answer is of course, Don't.
So I'm really not clear on that issue yet, I need to read some passages and take a couple more showers but to my mind the role of helper is as important as the role of head. Anyways. But the point of marriage that gets me is not just to build a household, but to build a ministry. And I don't mean like a huge Ministry or anything, just a niche in your church where you take care of something and do it well, because that's where your heart is. In my church we have a ton of examples of couples who seem to live to carry out their ministry and serve their generation, especially the other people in the church. And I don't know, there's just something about the work that a married couple does together that gives it like, an extra dimension. Like eric and leslie ludy, or the guy who wrote I Kissed Dating Goodbye and whoever he married =p and it excites me to serve God and glorify him with that extra impact and that extra power. Also.. the life I want to live as an adult is a sacrificial Christian life. I want God to be all over my life.. and that's going to mean giving some things up and making hard decisions. And it's hard enough right now when I have hardly anything to lose - no family of my own, no career, no boyfriend, no money =p but once I have those things it will be harder to remain completely open to God.. and that's where I'll need the support of someone who understands me and cares about me, and shares my heart. Sometimes you just need someone who gets you.. to help you make the tough decisions. And I have that in God, of course, and a few friends, but we all know a relationship gives you something unique. And that's where the marriage part comes in... I just think it'd be so cool to grow in Christ together, helping each other. I mean I know it won't be easy but for anyone who knows what this year has been like for me, I think I can say I know the meaning of the phrase Relational Difficulties. lol and I'm not scared of that... to be honest I'm floored, we seem to have weathered rather well. At one point I honestly thought we were going to turn into total strangers and it makes me happy that it hasn't happened. anyways =p I'm not afraid of hard stuff, of fights or misunderstandings... because nothing worthwhile is easy. (But the opposite does not follow! Not everything hard is worthwhile. Sometimes you're just doing it wrong.)
there it is. lol but well I'm 17 and all of that is way ahead of me... so I have to be excited about being single too =p which i'm working on... and I want my life to be dynamic now, too, but it's hard to do and I don't really know where to start, so i'm just praying.

Run

2006-01-15T19:54:00.000-08:00

We're going to run, run,
and we're never looking back.
You and me, this is our race,
and there's no room for saving face
and there's no time for looking back

But I'll keep you in the corner of my eye,
in the corner of my mind, the corner of my life.
And when we run, we'll race;
we'll fall from grace
and find our way back up into the sun.
No time for anything, just run

We're going to run, run,
and we're never looking back.
You and me, we'll give it all we've got
and there's no room for the baggage I brought
and there's no time for looking back

It's all or nothing, it's time to go
We have to run the race.
It's all or nothing, it's time to go
And I won't forget your face.

so

2006-01-11T17:43:00.000-08:00

so i feel better.
I'm tempted to write it off to warm weather.
But I'm back to making jokes and wild gestures
and laughing at jokes
and being happy after I laugh
instead of falling back down.

spider

2006-01-10T10:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we are spiders
hunted by cats.
Sometimes we open double doors and
enter velveted paws crushing.
Sometimes we stare into mirrors
and somehow fail to spot
the sea-green eyes that we drown in.
sometimes we break and run
when we could have saved our lives
with the word unspoken.
And sometimes we freeze, in hope,
and the last chance of our salvation,
fleeting,
runs past us.
Sometimes the spider drama played out
on the linoleum
is only the valiant battle
that we have never fought.
We are content to crumple and be trodden.

2005-12-18T19:44:00.000-08:00

No, this is limbo.
Don't mistake it for anything else.
It is not more than what it is.
Maybe I am drifting towards something,
but if so I can't see it
and hard as you might look, neither will you.

the kabalarians think they know me.

2005-12-14T20:03:00.000-08:00

The name of Victoria gives you a clever, quick, analytical mind, but you suffer with a great deal of self-consciousness, lack of confidence, and much aloneness because of misunderstandings. Your idealistic and sensitive nature gives you a deep appreciation for the finer things of life and a strong desire to be of service to humanity. There are times when you experience inner turbulence at your inability to say what you mean. It is far easier for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings through writing than verbally. You find pleasure in literature, in poetry, and in your ideals and will turn to them when you feel you have been misunderstood. You are deeply moved by the beauties of life, especially nature.

Although the name Victoria creates an interest in the deeper aspects of life, we emphasize that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a moody disposition. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the heart, lungs and bronchial area.

maybe

2005-12-11T19:38:00.000-08:00

I stand in the maybe worlds
outside of absolute windows,
in the echoes of light,
in the shadows of sound,
almost understanding.
Almost inside.
And I shout to you my unhappiness,
my moans of pain,
that are disguised as ration and reason.
I stand in the outside worlds
in front of the warm windows
in the pasts of light,
in the futures of sound,
almost there.
Almost okay.
and I whisper to you my doubtings,
my misgivings,
that are disguised as the modest ramblings
of an interpersonal genius.
Maybe I am right.
Which would make everyone else wrong.
Maybe my eagle vision, sharpened and stabbing,
jabs at the faults around me. Hits hardest when i turn it on myself.
Lashes out, friendly in name only.
Or maybe I am a jealous storm,
a whirlwind of pain, maybe I am
a shipwreck, an abandoned house,
maybe I mourn at night, behind closed doors,
and maybe I disguise my tears as pearls of wisdom.
Maybe my sadness is a badge that I wear,
Maybe my strength is a fluke that I flaunt.
Has no one thought of that?

I cry out against the mysteries of the relationships around me,
denounce their heroic attempts, their pale-faced endurance,
dismiss their tears as unfounded
their love as misguided.
Maybe I am right.
What then?
Maybe if I had my way, we would all be right.
Sterile, cynical, and
all alone.
And right.

Maybe one of these days someone will muzzle me
and put you all out of your misery.

Oh dear.

2005-12-09T16:39:00.000-08:00

Guys.
On my history test
I
confused Isaac Newton
with Thomas Edison.

our teacher, who art in Suburbia,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy pension come, thy marks be done
on earth just as good as in heaven.
Give us this day our daily pass, and
forgive us our lateness, as we forgive
those who are late after us
and lead us not into failure,
but deliver us from McJobs.
Amen.

pixie

2005-12-07T20:09:00.000-08:00

guys, my cat is utterly incompetent at playing.
I gave her a cork to play with =p
she was lying on her side playing with it
she kicked it, it got away from her and rolled a few inches away.
She just kind of stared at it for awhile.

2005-11-28T20:13:00.000-08:00

i will take breaths, deep ones.
I will breath in
heart quickening, aching,
expanding and reaching for the unattainable,
maybe a tear or two will fall.
i will be angry, frustrated
with the frustration of desires deferred.
and the pain will rise with me, slowly,
like hands rising against walls
and i will allow it this time
because then i will breathe out
and all of the tension, the tears,
everything i want
that stabs me with its unreality
all of my gut reactions
and most of the smiles, for a time
will leave me, i will exorcise them
along with the bruises on my heart
breathe them out simply,
like exhaling poison.
I will do this again, and again
i will inhale and dredge up
exhale and expel out
one, then the other
again and again
I will do it until there is nothing left,
i will do it every time i catch the clock
mocking me with its typical
bland, piercing factuality
(what an unfortunate choice of symbols -
there's one every twelve hours)
every time aluminum pop cans
gang up on me
every time my mind plays tricks
when i'm helplessly asleep
every time i feel a twinge
or a flicker
or the rustle of growing hope
i will dredge up, sigh out
until nothing remains,
until nothing remains.
i am punching in codes
one after the other
waiting patiently
for one solution to work
hoping someday there will be bright lights,
encouraging noises, a release
and i will make it through.
So
I will take breaths, deep ones.
I will breathe.
Solve you that way.

2005-11-28T14:44:00.000-08:00

You know what I want?
A pet duck.

hrm

2005-11-26T23:25:00.000-08:00

I can't stay. Can I?
I lasted so much longer than I thought I was going to. I should have switched halls months ago, quit the band months ago. But I stayed.
And now my strength is worn thin.
This is the kind of pain that gnaws, silent, wears you down.
It wore down my happiness.
It wore down my resolutions.
It wore down my anger.
It wore down my spirit.
And now all I want to do is get out from under it before I shatter
and offload onto everyone who happens to be around when it happens.
I can see nightmarish confrontations, shouting matches, tearful retreats, more pain, more pain, more pain.. collapses, bursts, until I'm drained and nothing.
I'm almost there, I think. Although I've thought that before - and when the breakdown came it was intense and unexpected.
I just... don't understand how this is going to improve unless something changes. I think it might suffice to just take a few weeks.. time enough to forget a voice, a face, idiosyncracies, time to lose this intuition I have when it comes to him, that takes his actions and gestures and effortlessly extrapolates his thoughts, his life, from them.
Time to forget.
Time to take us and put in a huge wedge of distance in between
and I can be comfortable, safely on my side, unknown, unknowing.
that's what i want.
And i don't know how to get it.
Is it wrong to want that?
would it be wrong to try for it?
I'm so tired and worn. My happiness faded, short-lived before this invincible pain.. It outlasts, outwits, outplays. I'm wearing down, I can feel it and see it. i don't have much time left, i think, to do something decisive and bold.
I think we're narrowing, being driven towards a bold and decisive moment... maybe it will happen silently, ashamed of itself, in obscurity and quiet voices. Maybe it will blaze and burn, loud and uncomfortably bright. Maybe I'll control it.. maybe not. But I think it's coming. I think so.

2005-11-24T09:28:00.000-08:00

Your Personality Is

Guardian (SJ)

You are sensible, down to earth, and goal oriented.
Bottom line, you are good at playing by the rules.

You tend to be dominant - and you are a natural leader.
You are interested in rules and order. Morals are important to you.

A hard worker, you give your all at whatever you do.
You're very serious, and people often tell you to lighten up.

In love, you tend to take things carefully and slowly.

At work, you are suited to almost any career - but you excel in leadership positions.

With others, you tend to be polite and formal.

As far as looks go, you are traditionally attractive. You take good care of yourself.

On weekends, you tend to like to do organized activities. In fact, you often organize them!

The Three Question Personality Test

You Are Chinese Food

Exotic yet ordinary.
People think they've had enough of you, but they're back for more in an hour.

What Kind of Food Are You?

Your Inner Child Is Surprised

You see many things through the eyes of a child.
Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded.
You cherish all of the details in life.
Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.

How Is Your Inner Child?

more blogthings! blogthings for all!

2005-11-24T09:06:00.000-08:00

Your Birthdate: May 20

You are a virtual roller coaster of emotions, and most people enjoy the ride.
Your mood tends to set the tone of the room, and when you're happy, this is a good thing.
When you get in a dark mood, watch out - it's very hard to get you out of it.
It's sometimes hard for you to cheer up, and your gloom can be contagious.

Your strength: Your warm heart

Your weakness: Trouble controlling your emotions

Your power color: Black

Your power symbol: Musical note

Your power month: February

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Your Personality Profile

You are dreamy, peaceful, and young at heart.
Optimistic and caring, you tend to see the best in people.
You tend to be always smiling - and making others smile.

You are shy and intelligent... and a very hard worker.
You're also funny, but many people don't see your funny side.
Your subtle dry humor leaves your close friends in stitches.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

blog thinger!

2005-11-18T23:11:00.000-08:00

Your Heart Is Purple

For you, love is about establishing and developing a deep connection.
If it's true love, it brings you more wisdom and inner strength.

Your flirting style: Sincere

Your lucky first date: An afternoon at a tea house

Your dream lover: Is both thoughtful and expressive

What you bring to relationships: Understanding

What Color Heart Do You Have?

my comment on dani's blog =p

2005-11-16T21:44:00.000-08:00

this was a response to something i read... i have to say i like it =p so here it is.

.there are too many people out there who believe your heart is some kind of uncontrollable force, like a spoiled child, and you might as well give in because no matter how hard you tug the reins you can't control it.
Not true. Our hands are just too weak. Consult someone whose Hands are stronger. Don't just give in, it's not romantic, it's weak. What's romantic is to know that someone fell in love with you with their eyes open, knowing you and loving you because they saw all of you and knew you were worth it.
You want people to come into your life like entering an art gallery, slow and awestruck, ready to take their time and wander the halls and get to know you.
Not like flustered mothers, chasing their spoiled kids (hearts), just happy because they ended up in a nice place.
.and there are too many people out there who think that they have to follow every possibility, open every door, because if not then they'll always wonder what would have happened.
Not true. To see where the path would have led, all you have to do is rise above it.

True love is not to be found like finding a room in a long corridor, by opening every door.
True love is like wandering a maze. Every choice takes you one step further towards, or further from, your one destination.
And until you're there, you'll have no idea what's waiting for you.

now then. Where's my Academy Award?

2005-11-16T20:42:00.000-08:00

yes, but is she so flexible that she bends with your conversation?
Can you tell a joke in silence?
Can you reach out across a room full of people?
Can you hear her thoughts?
Do you break into her inner conversations?
Can you have a conversation using only facial expressions?
Have you learned her footsteps?
Can you recognize her touch on an instrument?
Is her voice enough to make your day better?
Do you read her mind?
or rather, do you read the nuances of her voice and eyes and body language, intuitively, easily, like reading a book?

cuz if not

then you haven't tasted, you don't know.

all hallow's eve

2005-10-31T18:22:00.000-08:00

is apparently the day martin luther nailed his 90 resolutions to the door of the catholic church. who knew?
so I'm sitting in my basement eating mini chocolate bars =p which might sound evil, because you might think they're really meant for the kids outside.
But we don't celebrate halloween =p my parents just like buying cheap candy.
It makes me smile to think that I don't even have to go out and trick or treat to get candy =p this is the way it should be!

A Presumptuous Scarf

2005-10-29T23:48:00.000-07:00

He unwinds from my neck, a casual passing caress and
flops onto my bed
sprawling across it, taking ownership
crosses his black fingers and commences.
He is plotting world domination;
this is how it will work.
His plan is twofold.
first scarves will infiltrate the fickle fashion industry
pin them down once and for all
black woolen scarves will adorn every supermodel,
every electically-dressed university student,
every starry-eyed preteen.
They will do this gradually, slowly,
so as not to disturb.
Simultaneously they will make a move into medicine
dangle from the necks of brilliant biomedial students
who are saving the world from the common cold.
Finally the virus will be isolated; catologued; stored away
and humanity will breathe a sigh of relief and
wipe a runny nose
one last time.
A year-long celebration will result
and while the foolhardy bipeds are
carousing with impunity
the scarves, piled neglected on a table,
will infiltrate the system
send the cold virus hissing through every
vent in the world.
The world will shuffle down its halls,
slippered and robed,
red-nosed and bleary-eyed
rummage through bins of scarves and select - yes! -
the stylish black wool scarf.
And he will rise from obscurity to the throne of the world
black scarves will protect the throats of
kings, sultans, prime ministers
black scarves will adorn the necks of
the most beautiful women in the world
black scarves will fall exasperatingly over
important charters, creeds, treaties.
He will have power, love, awe.
yes, that is how it will work.
He chuckles darkly to himself
as he curls on my bed, innocently limp,
plotting world domination.

One more

2005-10-25T18:17:00.000-07:00

I heard this one today =p it was too good to pass up. I'll really blog next time i promise!

Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A. It died.

Q. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A. It was stapled to the first monkey.

Q. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
A. Peer pressure.

some retreat jokes.

2005-10-15T20:42:00.000-07:00

Q. Why did the girl fall off the swing?
A. She had no arms.

Q. Why did the boy fall off his bike?
A. Someone threw a piano at him.

Q. Why did the bus stop?
A. It ran into a piano.

Q. Why did the swimmer drown?
A. He swallowed a piano.

Q. If a stone rolls down a hill, how many penguins fit into the ear of an elephant?
A. None, because a snake has no armpits.

Q. Why did the frog die?
A. He got hit by a piano.

today

2005-10-12T19:23:00.000-07:00

today was a good day =)
i got a bunch of writer's craft poems back.... i'm happy with my mark =)
and then i got a lit studies thing back... happy with that mark too =)
and i made headway on my sonnet =p
and, and, and
i still haven't heard back from calderone's.
no one is rooting for me to get that job =p five days a week! 20 hours!
money, money, money.
but, today i came home and there was an email waiting for me
from the dragonfly shop
i applied a few weeks ago - they contacted me asking for my availability, stuff like that.
I looked into the store, and it turns out they sell a line of gorgeous azn-inspired jackets.
silk.
embroidered.
absolutely beautiful, the colours, wow...
the kind of thing i would love to pull off but alas, i am white.
lol but anyways, they're really cool and the store is in fairview.
So i'd love to work there - i think he's taken notice of the fact that i'm white because he only mentioned two of the store locations to me as possibilities for me to work there.
the third location is of course pacific mall =p
so it sounds positive... i'm really flexible right now, he sounds interested, there's no reason why he shouldn't call me ... unless he's looking for full time.
if neither place gets back to me, i'll settle for chapters. just seasonal.
but yeah =) i'm excited about this new prospect because i suspect it's an answer to quite a few prayers
from people who don't want me to wreck my school year breaking my back in a stationary shop =p
so if it's an answer to prayer
that must mean i get the job right? =D

must not be defeated

2005-10-09T18:59:00.000-07:00

I have to force the situation to turn me to God. I'm not going to fall back on the excuse that since I wasn't given the chance to do it for God, I can't grow. I'm tired of blaming other people. It doesn't matter whose fault it is. It doesn't matter what's holding me back.
I'm desperate to grow.
And I'm not willing to let anything stop me.
On another note - here's my villanelle =)
-------------------------------------------------------
Truth

Truth shines like torchlight on their faces
they cringe from the breaking of their pride
they fall, meteoric, from high places.

Perhaps cruelty or fear replaces
their strength – they laugh at those who cried
Truth shines like torchlight on their faces.

Important questions leave no traces
they turn rhetoric on us, not allied
they fall, meteoric, from high places.

Their minds forget, his lie erases
Reality for those who still can hide
We watch in fear, our one heart races

They wander, disowned, through smoky hazes
Delicately lost like truth denied
Or dash madly through bright, dark phases

But we cannot leave them to anesthetized dazes
We must join the ranks of those who tried
Truth shines like torchlight on their faces
they fall, meteoric, from high places

Oy.

2005-10-07T17:10:00.000-07:00

So we're writing sonnets in writer's craft.
SONNETS.
Anyone know what a sonnet is?
i'll explain it.
A sonnet is, like, the most exacting poetry form known to man.
Made famous by shexpur.
It has exactly fourteen lines; these are arranged into one group of 8 and one group of 6. The rhyme scheme is EITHER ABBA OR ABAB, for the first four lines, then repeat using different rhymes so CDDC OR CDCD. You do this again for the next four lines, so EFFE OR EFEF, (you have to keep the same rhyme scheme all the way through) and THEN you need a rhyming couplet - and not just any rhyming couplet, this is like the punchline of the whole thing. The flourish. The final touch.
And the rhythm. It's in iambic pentameter (again, made famous by shexpur) which MEANS short-looong short-looong, and you need five of them per line.
So.
short-looong/short-looong/short-loooong/short-looong/short-looong.
You have to align the emphasis of the syllables of the words you use so that it comes out to that.
And after all that, it still has to be deeply profound and use vivid imagery.
And say something.
It is EXACTLY as hard as it sounds.
But it's not that bad =) it's like any rhyme scheme, any rhythm scheme.
You can't freak out trying to think of three-syllable words with the emphasis on the second syllable that are synonyms for clouds, that can be followed by one-syllable words with no emphasis that are synonyms for anger, that rhyme with water.
Just write.
And it falls into place with a few tweaks.
Except my subject matter is so trite >< but it's just my first try!
i love sonnets. They're so cool. No matter what i write it comes off all romantic.
even when it is le crappy.
toria =)

guitars

2005-10-04T19:41:00.000-07:00

homeless guitars sit in artsy shop windows
troupes of travelling artists take a second look in, though
their pockets are empty, their sktchbooks are ready
and they sit down to beguile the day
capturing the guitars on the page

they shade in the frets, the soundboard, the design and
the polish, the wood's grain, exulting in lines that they make
and the colours of guitars, forms and shapes of guitars
curves created in wood bent apart
this is beauty, it's grace, this is art.

they lounge on the sidewalk, glancing in the shop windows
commenting in soft voices on the way the guitar flows
there is motion behind glass, a form shows behind glass
a boy steps in the way, reaches out
ignorant of the artists he flouts.

he settles to the ground, cradles the guitar gently
hands slowly caress its strings, stroke the finish, and grip
fingers fall into place, he is ready to play so
his fingers brush against strings and he strums
and the artists' faces are awestruck

the boy coaxes a voice from the guitar's lines and curves
and it comes to life under his skilled fingers
a warm resonant song, a soft strummed simple song
and the artists look on, amazed
because it lives in his hands, not on page.

Umbrella Poem

2005-10-03T19:14:00.000-07:00

An umbrella is a manifesto
your declaration that No;
you will no longer suffer the
injustice of raindrops
and the cold pathos of wet clothing
will no longer be yours
you will stand proud and
untouched
beneath your standard
bobbing gracefully in rhythm
with your march.

An umbrella is a laugh
it shines brightly coloured
among the grey and the bleak
and the dirt and the wet cement
a gleam of wit, it
stands stark against
rainy day peevishness and
dampened goodwill
and makes of the whole thing
a small, amusing joke

An umbrella is a father
you peer out from under
its encircling protection
at the world
pass it by, untouched
by its proximity
glance up at the sky
and the piling plotting clouds
smugly, for you are
safe

An umbrella is a lost cause.
Against the screeching, marauding wind
you stand, umbrella in hand
and join battle
but you are not proof against its
sly upper cut
and are rendered impotent
struggling with your upturned, useless
weapon.

2005-09-30T22:19:00.000-07:00

I could write pages and pages.
But let's face it, I have.

I'm ok.
toria

I'm so sorry!

2005-09-30T00:02:00.000-07:00

wow. I just had a paradigm shift =p
I'm not going to take back what I said before, or dismiss it, because my heart was in the right place.... mostly... and I'm not going to pretend I was being hypocritical when I wasn't.
But my thinking was still wrong.
I'm so weak. And most of the time I don't even want to be strong. I like being weak because it makes me miserable and gives me something to write about. Isn't that terrible? lol well that's a bit of an exaggeration, I don't LIKE being miserable by any means... but when the fit was upon me, I didn't try to fight it. Partly because I saw no reason to. I'm the only person my misery affects, right?
wrong!
There are so many people around me who know what's going on and who are watching me, my life, how I deal. Not in a bad way - just as a point of reference. They care about me and they're trying to support me.
But they're all younger than me.
That's not a bad thing, of course, it doesn't make them less supportive -
but when they look at my life, and how miserable I am
the only thing they learn is to be afraid of God.
To be afraid that God is going to steamroller their dreams, their lives.
How can I allow myself to set such a bad example?
This is so terrible. I'm not even sure what to do about it, but at least I recognize it now =p John was partly right. Not about spreading out, but about getting support from people who aren't going to be pushed down by my weight.
I may not care about being strong for myself, but really that doesn't matter.
I have to be strong for the people around me.
otherwise, it's like I'm taking a pickaxe to their spiritual lives
and chip, chip, chipping away.
I am so sorry, guys!
Please understand that I may be uncomfortable sometimes, and unhappy sometimes, but honestly I wouldn't have it any other way. I have to appreciate this situation and how it's making me grow, how much it's teaching me.
It may not be fun, but it's right =p and when i watch myself grow, it's kind of cool.
I was worried about glorifying God, and mad because from where I was standing the situation doesn't work. But I was WRONG. The situation doesn't matter. Ever.
I matter.
My attitude matters.
I'm so sorry.
toria
(wow... it took me like, a month to grasp that concept. Smart my foot.)

2005-09-27T18:29:00.000-07:00

I'm so confused. I can no longer tell how I am supposed to deal, where you're going with this, what I can expect. What to aim for. I know none of that.
All I know is that I still want to glorify you.
And you're still in control.
But does this really glorify you? It feels strange and uncomfortable. I don't see how it would make anyone praise you.
"hallelujah, those two friends don't speak to each other anymore!"
"praise God, this is so awkward!"
hmph.
sighz. I don't think I have any right to be talking about what glorifies you and what doesn't. Goodness knows I've screwed up enough. I pull enough stupid, ill-advised stunts for three of me. More than enough for one of him, poor guy. But I still want to do this your way, and I still want to make it beautiful, or at least peaceful, even in a fully platonic way =p
having said that, I can grasp the concept that it's not always going to make sense to me. Or anyone else, for that matter. I'm not always going to be ok.
Sometimes i wonder if the whole reason you pulled this was so that I would be forced to depend on you.
Not cool, God! Couldn't you find some other way?
....is my first thought.
But I'm not God, so I don't have to get it. I just have to keep praying. I don't even know what to pray for, that's the level I'm at now. I'm reduced to praying for you to tell me what to pray. Complete and total dependence! w00t
Are you quite finished?
(no)

whoops

2005-09-24T23:39:00.000-07:00

i will not put hair clips on my cat's tail
I will not put hair clips on my cat's tail
i will not put hair clips on my cat's tail
i will not put hair clips on my cat's tail

so i was bored tonight =D
toria

trees

2005-09-19T19:13:00.000-07:00

it's raining again
i wander in confusion
sometimes I raise hands,
touch a withered branch,
and we dance solemnly,
bitterly,
laughing at the death outside
laughing at the death inside
sometimes i stoop and fall
to the ground
it opens to invite me further
i fill my fists with black soil
it falls over me, spilling from my pale hands
which are small and grasping
and cannot contain it
and i am littered, concealed
with flakes of dark that sooth
as they silence
like the bitten lips that bear witness
to the rain unfallen
sometimes i race them
running blindly, i laugh at their roots
i careen through the snapping, whipping
twigs
or maybe i break them off for sheer pleasure
as i run
faster and swifter, snatching my feet from the ground,
wanting nothing more than to collapse and break
and run no more
but as i wait to be drained i push further,
laughter darting out of me between breaths
and i am caught
i struggle, i twist like a fish to get away
although i want nothing more than to be trapped
helpless
to live my small life and not be forced
to grasp a destiny that is bigger than my whole world
still i push against the branches that enfold me
as i push i am forced up, away from the roots,
away from the earth,
from the rain-spattered leaves i ascend
until i confront the sky
i am massive against it
my eyes are large with exhaustion,
big enough to stare it down.
we contemplate each other
and before its simple beauty i am cowed
i think of my dark, tangled jungle
my clinging earth, my stinging branches,
and the rain, the rain, the eternal rain
i wish to stay here
nestled between its winds and my branches
but that is not enough
i want to escape even these clutches
now,
while the fear is strong in me and i am
unsettled, off balance, for the moment unguarded
now i would make my move and escape
who will take me higher?
when can i go?
or am i to stay here and mourn
the ironical fate, the sardonic onlooker,
who gave me the desire and removed the means?

untitled

2005-09-16T17:01:00.000-07:00

i hate you, you know.
I hate the way you have a life
and i have a life
and they run parallel but never coincide.
ever.
I hate the way i hear your voice, your words,
your thoughts,
muffled and hidden as someone repeats them to me.
I hate the way your name evokes a whole train of thought
that once started is immediately out of control
and we tear along faster and faster down until
i fly off the tracks and crash
huddle there, shocked by the pain that
was always there
but most of the time it has a thin veneer of control
stretched over the surface like a web
and sometimes the whole thing shatters,
twists,
breaks through
and i am released into what seems a bottomless lake of pain
i float back up, pass it off as a temporary setback
but what if it's a pattern?
is this the way i'm going to stay, and for how long?
dreading the ascent to calm because of the inevitable plummet
to panic
how many people will i hang up on
so that i can cry in peace?
i hate that you did this to me
i hate that you still matter
even when i don't
i hate that i'm writing yet another sad poem,
damn you,
you could at least inspire some variety.

better =p

2005-09-13T22:23:00.000-07:00

so i feel better today =p it only took me two days to recover! w00t. I realized how many friends i DO have =p and more importantly, how many good friendships i have to support me. And I'm satisfied =p so i don't care if anyone else is or not. It seems stupid to judge someone by how many people they eat lunch with. I think a better judge of character might be how many people they pick on =p or build up. So today throughout i just realized that =p that i'm definitely not alone. And i never was. Also, today we did a poem in writer's craft and mine went over really well... which is nice =p although i'm excited to hear everyone else's. I don't understand how people judge poetry. To me, i'm just listening for what you're saying about yourself. I don't care how expressive you get or wether your tone is artistically depressed or poetically cheerful or wether or not you fit in a rhyme scheme and rhythm, or how many unusual words you put in. I just care about what you said about yourself. So i'm sure everyone's poem will blow me away =)
i'll post it when it's done.. here or on my poetry xanga, depending.
toria

it's pointless

2005-09-11T22:33:00.000-07:00

i don't know what you were trying to accomplish, maybe nothing. Maybe you were just flexing your muscles, but it worked. I feel stupid. I feel stupid, are you happy now? Now are you going to stop? I feel like a loser, is that enough for you? I feel like it's pointless to eat. I feel like everything i do is going to look stupid to you, and because you're always right, it always will be stupid. i'll never be worthwhile in your eyes. my God, do i really need one more person treating me like i'm worthless? I thought you people grew out of that. But you didn't. You still like putting other people down, it boosts your fragile ego. You don't mean any harm. You just think i should know that my hair is too frizzy, my skin too white, my friends too weird, my voice too country, my clothes too darn conservative. You're willing to help, you'll turn me into a little you anytime i say the word.
But i'm never going to say the word.
It's not because i don't want to. I'd do a lot to make you look at me like i had finally achieved human status. It's just that none of the things you want from me are in my nature. It's just not possible for me to make you happy, though i sincerely wish i could. I'm like this. I have curly hair that doesn't always behave itself, it's true, but i love it anyways. I wear clothing that makes it possible for you to have a few doubts about what's underneath, and i love that too. I have a mind of my own, and sometimes i say things that make no sense, and i love that too. I have a few close friendships instead of lots of less-close friendships, and i love it. When you're not making me feel like a loser because i'm not always surrounded by a crowd. Come to think of it, neither are you. I write stories and poetry, and sometimes i like alone time. And that's who i am, and i just can't change. It's not because i don't want to have loads of friends and get attention for my body and say the right thing instead of my thing - sometimes i want those things. I'll admit that. But it's not in me, i don't work that way. It took me a long time to accept that, and half the time i still don't, but sometimes i don't care wether you've accepted it or not. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you think. And sometimes i think you're the biggest asshole i've ever met, and the fact that you're excellent at pretending to feign all the things that make you popular doesn't change the fact that you're feigning. But none of that matters right now.
Right now i feel very small. I hope that if i become stupid enough and loser-ish enough, i'll just escape your notice altogether. Something to work towards.
toria

impended doooooooooOoOm

2005-09-09T08:00:00.000-07:00

well, school is safely started. No going back now. I'm tempted to write a school poem, but, um, i think not. tralalla. I miss runescape already =p i'm such a gamer! it's all jesse's fault. My classes all seem pretty interesting, to make up for their being CLASSES - writer's craft in particular i already love. Except for reading my work =p philosophy and world history are gear courses, which means they're harder than the rest of my humanities because he makes you write a lot and think a lot... but that's ok. I guess. I'm thinking about dropping calculus but I've decided i have too much pride =p chances are i'll drop it eventually, but not before i've failed! muahahhaaa. It occurs me to see if i can work as a tutor. Something to look into.
I want my summer back >< it's so much harder to get out of bed at 7:30 in the morning as opposed to like 10, 11, 12... 3, at one point =D but that was a special case i swear!
I'm resigning myself to a lot of things. Settling back to wasting my time writing pages About Me and scribbling in my agenda - i never pay attention to the actual dates, i just write. Last year I think i finished the last entry mid-march.
I miss the summer. I miss a lot of things.
But it's ok... I know a lot is going to happen this year so I'm excited for that...it's just.. well sometimes we don't understand why everything can't just stay the way it was, instead of getting thrown into turmoil.. but there's always a reason right? Let's hope so, or i'll be very pissed.
I want to WRITE >< soon all the writingness inside of me is going to explode, or something, if i don't start writing... but i have no ideas for a story, except one story that i really don't want to tell because i can't give it an ending yet.
oh well. it'll all work out.

impending doooooom

2005-09-05T18:53:00.001-07:00

school is starting >< I'm so scared. This is grade 12! No more room for screwups! I know some people said that back in grade 11, but i was too smart =p so i would hand in stuff late, or not do a few things, or not study for tests just to prove i didn't have to.... but i'm pretty sure i should be more careful this year and i'm scared o.0 also i'm pretty sure i'll be dropping (failing) calculus... and I'm ok with that =p every one of my siblings has dropped calculus. No shame in not being anally math-inclined. SIGHZ. This is my last year with norrice - so weird that we're graduating the same year =p if only we'd known, i could have spent last year NOT being sad. We've got to teach the fat boy not to put my bass in the case backwards - and to loosen the bow!! Who's going to rage at his negligence when i'm gone? Oh man... poor norris puts up with all my crap. and this is my last year with heidi and mel... GUYS come to australia with me! it'll be great =D we'll study by day and scrounge the suburbs for furniture by night. This is my last year with dani and helen... eep... This is my last year with wellman... he's come a long way =p and this is my last year with der... but that's ok, i know you'll make me proud =p if not i'll haunt you! muahahahahem. anyways... i'm so sad that this year is even starting =p when it ends it's going to break my heart BUT LET'S NOT THINK ABOUT THAT. So I've spent the last week carefully preparing myself for the coming ten months of stressful school crap by doing NOTHING. No no, it's true. Nothing at all. It's like I'm hoarding moments of leisure =p so i can think back on them when i'm doing without sleep or formal meals during exam time. Wasting time is a luxury I'm not going to have soon - oh, i'll still waste time, but i'll feel guilty about it instead of revelling in it. School suckssssssssss >< but at least i get to hang out with you guys again... it makes me sad that i barely got to see anyone over the summer (although the sleepover was great =D finally met the famous ebony*that is his name right?*)... not to worry though, now i get to see you every day for the next nine months! yay... hrm. So basically, I'm sad. But then I think of my awesome new yellow umbrella =p yellow things make me happy. So does rain. So a yellow umbrella is like, perfect =D anyways... see y'all tomorrow...

a tale of james the spider

2005-08-27T03:19:00.000-07:00

So last night I was watching Good Will Hunting for the second time, as it is wildly overdue and is probably going back soon, and it's such a good movie. So I was curled up in my armchair with a glass of coke and a blanket, enjoying my movie, and it ended so I got up and went over to the computer to see if Irene the Itinerant had emailed me yet. I hate waiting for people I care about to email me. It makes me tense.
I turn around and there is this MONSTER of a spider (we'll call him james) staring at me across the carpet.
None of the following will make sense unless you understand how big this spider is. This spider is the size of a small mouse. This spider is about 1.5 inches across and stands a good inch off the ground. This spider is like a little predator. I wouldn't put it past him to be carnivorous. I would expect him to spin webs like fishnets.
We'll never know exactly what the hell james thought he was doing trekking across my basement floor - where he was going, how he got in, wether or not he has siblings. It's an enigma. Anyways, one of his beady little eight eyes must have caught sight of me, and we froze and stared each other down. Technically I should have won because i was bigger, but then again james does have a lot more legs than I do. Finally I ended the staredown by reaching firmly, bravely, for the...
..Phone.
And I called my friend jean, who lives a short five-minute drive away, to come kill the big scary spider.
"Jean? Are you scared of spiders?"
"kind of...."
"Oh. Um, is your brother scared of spiders?"
"No...."
"Is he home? Can he come kill a spider for me?"
"You want my brother to go over there and kill a spider for you? Can't you just use a shoe?"
"A shoe? A shoe?! Jean, this spider is huge. He will steal the shoe, and wear it!"
"what about bug spray?"
"...Bug spray. You want me to kill it with bug spray. Jean, I don't think that's going to work.. Gaahhh!!!"
"what?"
"I lost him! He's gone!"
James had made a run for it like the brave little freak of nature he was.
"He's gone?"
"He's really gone! ok i'm going to put you on hold and go upstairs.."
i put the phone on hold and then I realized that now I was more trapped than ever. I didn't know where james was. All I knew was he was probably still somewhere in the vicinity of the stairs and I really didn't want to get close to him. Little monster. So I picked up the phone again.
"Wait, I can't leave, I don't know where he is. Gaahhhh!!! I found him."
James' desperate run had ended roughly six inches from his original position. I just couldn't see him around the chair.
In the end I wheedled jean into coming and killing the spider for me. I didn't want to leave him alone to make his escape while i opened the door for her, so i told her where the spare key was, and hung up. Then I turned to james and we settled into comfortable positions to wait. It's trippy staring at a spider. When I stood up, his long spindly legs blended into the carpet and he just looked like a troublesome stain. I thought he was morphing into the carpet, or turning invisible, like a chameleon.
After some time I thought i could see him getting a little edgy, shifting arounda bit, calculating his odds, getting ready to make a run for it. I braced myself.
Finally he started running and i screamed, the scariest thing about spiders is the way they move. Like little machines, perfectly coordinated and efficient, somehow choreographing the movement of four pairs of legs. Like little super-intelligent robots, but they have little insect minds and little insect fangs and little insect eyes. Who really needs eight eyes? Come on. And with all that, they still have no recognizable faces! I think I could get used to them if they had normal faces, with two eyes and a nose and a mouth, like the rest of creation. Then they would have something in common with chipmunks and cats and I think i could deal with that. But NO.
James was running at an angle towards me, but i wasn't his destination. No, he had decided to head under the armchair. MY armchair. I waited for him to come out on the other side, but what I wasn't expecting was to see him come out on the side closest to me. Crafty little beast. He was peeking at me from under the chair. I moved a bit so that he was no longer between me and the stairs and we waited for a bit longer. He made another run for it, this time to the computer desk. i screamed again but moved to where i could see him, valiantly battling hordes of dust bunnies as he fought his way past the monitor to the computer cable maze. I was getting pissed by now, the little bugger probably thought he was getting away but he WASN'T. He made his way over the cables in true spider fashion (SO creepy to watch) like a hummer, or something. Watching spiders climb over stuff is even scarier than watching them run. Spiders are like little tanks - little octopod faceless insectile tanks - yet there's something delicate about them. But James had too many angles and edges to be graceful. He was almost military. He was making his was towards a corner, so I pulled the desk away and stomped my feet to let him know i was there. He froze. I don't think he knew what to make of me. I must have been like this huge tower, and I moved, yet i hadn't done anything to hurt him. In fact I didn't seem to want to get too close to him. The only thing i did was make startling noises when he moved.
I kept stomping every so often to keep him unsure of himself. By this time I was sweating with fear, I really am scared of spiders. [When the james debacle was over, i stood in front of my lamp in my room for at least two minutes, unable to reach underneath to turn it on for fear of a spider hiding in the lampshade]. But I couldn't run away because then not only would there be a monster spider in my house, but i wouldn't know where the monster spider was lurking. Around this time jean got here. I introduced her to james (we didn't give him a name at that point, but he really was big enough to deserve one. And a postal code.) She had brought her flipflops, which clearly weren't going to cut it as james would probably think they were surfboards. The only thing i could see heavy enough was the dictionary on the shelf, so i passed it to her and she dropped it on him and squished him. Then she informed me there were spider bits all over my dictionary, which is enough to turn me off poor Webster for life. Webster.com is going to replace him. We did some cleanup, a short funeral (kidding) and jean, my knight in a red t-shirt, my hero, left me to crouch on the stairs for the rest of the night, wide-eyed; compulsively brushing the back of my neck and arms as my long hair brushing against me felt like spiders, regularly inspecting every inch of my immediate surroundings for little jameses. I was kind of worried that his family in the basement would form a posse and come looking for me. Maybe james was the youngest in his family, that would mean there were then at least two (parent) spiders who were presumably BIGGER and considerably more bad-tempered. So i asked my dad when he came home and obligingly killed three small spiders that i found, if he thought there were any more spiders like james in the house, and he said no, spiders are kind of loners. It makes me feel better so i'm not going to question it, but it is kind of sad. Poor james. He died alone.
Hopefully.

horizon

2005-08-25T22:58:00.000-07:00

you're waiting beyond the horizon
always just a little out of my reach
it's always a stretch to follow you
and i love you for stretching me

Lord, i want to live on the horizon
always searching for you,
never knowing what's coming, never caring,
i'll live on the horizon
i'll give my life for you,
and i'll search for your truth
i will live restlessly, not content
till i've found all of you

my existence is so walled and constricted
i live within rules and perameters
so break everything down, wash it away
on your love
call me forward to struggle for you

future plans

2005-08-21T22:45:00.000-07:00

so I'm thinking about moving to australia for a year =D
wow that sounds so much more ridiculous when i take a second and think about it.
but I'm SERIOUS.
lol did anyone else know that hilltop has a college? Well they DO. lol officially it's called Hilltop International Leadership College. And they offer a degree in worship and creative arts... although since i'm only going for a year i'll just get a certificate. Really the qualifications don't matter because I have no intention of actually using it for anything. I'm still going to go into phsychology once I get back. But I'm getting into psychology because i want to help people, and really what my clients would need is Jesus, right? Sooo... I'd kind of like to perfect my Jesus-imparting skills. And yes I KNOW you don't have to go to australia for a year to do that. While I'm at it, I might as well train to be a pastor. I don't know.
So that's one reason why I want to do this.. another is... I want to LEAVE. I want to get out, I want to see different places and do different things... I could easily stay here in toronto, and settle a little further into my role as a student, sink a little further into my church.... but.... I would never be content without this. I would continually be restless and uneasy, continually trying to stretch myself but being caught by school or other things. I need to do this first.
And if I'm going to go away, and do something random like live in australia for a year.... now is the time to do it, isn't it? Everyone changes their lives after graduation, it's the perfect time really. And I want to do this while I'm relatively free, relatively unattached. Relatively single. lol so now is the perfect time. Especially keeping in mind recent events.. first year is the perfect year to go away... isn't it? Nothing's going to happen this coming year, OBVIOUSLY, and.. realistically... it's unlikely anything would happen the year after. Super-realistically, it's up in the air whether anything's going to happen, ever. UBER-realistically, THAT'S NOT THE FIRST CONSIDERATION. lol God is involved, too.... but really, it's australia. If he doesn't want me to go, he can easily prevent it. And if he does... I could certainly use some help. anyways. I really don't even know if I'm going to follow through with this. I'll apply to normal universities too.
toria

limited time only

2005-08-11T19:35:00.000-07:00

...is how long i'm back for =p I would love to give details, and i will, but i want to let it all process. There's so much i want to write about, but it takes time for experiences to translate into poetry for me... they have to kind of settle, so that the important parts can stick out enough for me to describe them in a poem. In the meantime... i'm back for now =p
toria

#87

2005-07-25T23:12:00.000-07:00

we had an evanescent glow towards the end,
a sense of things fading, coming to an end,
even though i firmly believed
they would not.
I never would have thought it would come to this,
i would have laughed at the person
who dared tell me
that for a year i would learn about your smile,
and your eyes,
and your footsteps
that i would settle into this friendship
and that i would think i was safe
only to be abruptly jolted from
my place,
erased
like a mistake
and that i would hurtle through
a universe of bitterness and memory
arriving breathless here
so well acquainted with
the back of your head
the heels of your shoes.
i have mastered the art of the bittersweet smile
i have burrowed into your head and run away,
having discovered that your perspective was
sadder than mine.
I have been triumphant, deposed but not defeated,
secure still in your heart
and i have been a forgotten little girl, pathetic,
curled in a corner watching your world fly past
as mine comes to a whispering, whimpering halt.
I have climbed into the problem and lived inside of it,
i have risen above and soared, disinterested,
pitying your terrestrial plodding.
we had an evanescent glow towards the end,
did you feel it too?

finally

2005-07-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

ok... i think it's time to put this aside, very carefully, not forgetting it or abandoning it... but setting it aside. Because God has other things in mind for me this coming year, the year after... maybe even the year after that... and this thing has been taken as far as it can go for now, I'm exhausted with dealing with it.

well

2005-07-18T12:13:00.000-07:00

hey guys... sorry for those last few cryptic posts... although to some people, they weren't very cryptic. Which is nice. lol I don't feel I have to explain anything... I will be asked who I like, and what happened to that guy, enough times in the coming year.. regardless of how many people I tell now. Besides... this is all still so unclear. I know next to nothing about the situation, really. If it sounds like I know more, it's because I'm smart.. and because not everything remains as secret as it sometimes should. All I understand is that something happened, and now everything is changed. I know that somewhere, there must be a line between me and him. Somewhere there is a barrier that one or both of us has to refuse to cross. but I don't know where it is... I search for the differences in our friendship now and our friendship before... and I am hard pressed to define the thing that's missing. I know it's gone, or carefully restrained, or hidden away somewhere... this thing... but I can't find a word for it. Is it as simple as comfort? Are we now stiff around each other? Or is it the fact that we are both so watchful, constantly aware? It's like we move in circles around each other, watching the other's movements, careful to get neither too far nor too close. It's hard to say which extreme we lean more towards. There's more. I know there is.... but I can't define it. It's just different. More distant, more careful, twice or three times as restrained, a friendship with walls. It disgusts me sometimes. It seems like a mockery of what we had just three weeks ago. It seems not worth doing... but then, of course, I realize that if this is what it means, now, to be friends with him... then this is what it means. And I know I will resign myself to it, ever watchful for signs that the old friendship still exists somewhere... that it's not dead. I know I will cut down on my references to old inside jokes, old catchwords... I know I will eventually stop caring what I look like around him, and I can't wait. It will get easier for him as I settle down. As for me... it's not going to get easier for me. He's not as unstable as I am =p the way he is now is likely the way he intends to be for awhile. And I'll accept that too, just like I've accepted everything so far, sickened and impressed by my ability to bow this far to his will. I hate it! This isn't me! There's a difference between submitting and being overpowered... and this isn't the kind of submission I'm comfortable with. I do it because I'm blindfolded here, I know nothing, and this is the only way I can think of to make things easier on him. But i'm beginning to hate myself. This isn't me. Sometimes I don't give a crap what hurts him, what he's comfortable with.. sometimes I'm tempted to break all of my own rules and show him that I'm not completely spineless yet. But I'm too smart for that, too damn nice. I could ruin everything with my little mutiny, and then I would never forgive myself. But sometimes I don't care about that either, too reckless for my own good. sighz.. this is very complicated. It only begins with him. I hate that he asks this of me, that he needs this of me... that i'm helping him live with a decision that was forced on me without my knowledge or input. I don't want to make it easier on him... but I do. I wish I was stupid or completely insensitive, so I would be no help to him... but then of course I wouldn't be in this mess, would I? not to worry... I'm off to camp for a few days, to bury my varied and neurotic feelings in convincing small children to stop inciting each other to mutiny. Maybe this time I'll encourage them =D

an interesting turn of the tide

2005-07-15T22:44:00.000-07:00

I expected the aloofness and distance to continue forever... for the whole of this ordeal. But it occurs to me that that might not be the plan. In fact from what I hear, it's NOT the plan. Which is, in a way, harder for me to take. When you turn into Iceberg Man, I know where I stand. As far as possible from you. It's very simple. My only response to seeing you is to get away. This thawing on your part complicates things. I have to take your lead on this.. and that irks me =p i'm tired of taking your lead. But this isn't the time or the place to make a stand. I thought I wanted to break away from the role of following what you want, devoting all of my much-praised quick thinking and sensitivity to doing precisely what you need me to do. I thought I wanted to make you suffer, watch you squirm. But I couldn't ignore the fact that you HAVE suffered and squirmed, and to put you through more is just cruel. So I'm back to adapting to the situation, to the subtle spins you place on it. And it's harder now... you seem to want friendship, which is good, losing that would kill. So it's a question of making sure that we have only as much friendship as we can handle without taking it too far. Wherever that point is, in your mind. But then I have to reconcile my own doubts and questions. I don't want a friendship that's more of a duty - I don't want your friendship in order to benefit the group, or to prevent hurting unity. I want you to want my friendship for its own sake. for my sake.

veritas

2005-07-13T11:59:00.000-07:00

i'm afraid it will hurt you to see this, but you once told me not to hide.

i miss you
it breaks my heart
watching you
i used to be able to
glance and look away
secure in our connection
now i can't see enough
i wish i could stand and
watch you
admiring all the things i never noticed
all the things i love about you
it kills me that i have to go
it kills me that it will kill you
but there's no other way for me
soon it'll be over
and we will be strangers
i will look at you and see
none of your strength, your calm,
your integrity.
I will see a boy, like anyone else,
all of the inner discoveries hidden from me,
the curtain swept back into place,
nothing special.
Maybe you hold nothing for me, only
the promise of more pain
and the memories of a stunning friendship
that vanished overnight,
(or did it just go underground?)
vanished like
some sick magic trick
but it's real
oh, it's real
i can tell from the cries of protest
in my heart
slowly, gently,
breaking

blue

2005-07-13T02:08:00.000-07:00

although I must say
the sunset was exquisite that night
as I looked out to the lake,
itself a wistful shade of dusky blue,
the sky matched it perfectly
so that there was no difference
between water and sky
and I could have swam my way
into the clouds
had I been so inclined
the sun was gone then,
leaving only a pink warmth along
the horizon
but the clouds were breathtaking
every pearly, dusky, muted shade of blue
and pink
shaded in with the skillful certainty
of an artist of the highest order
scattered on the canvas in pure Abstract
and you took me out of myself
as I plodded along the sand
flipflops dangling from my fingers
you drew me up into the sky
in graceful meditation
and comforted me one more time
in the thought: if you can make a cloud
into a work of art
how much more will you do with me?

compilation

2005-07-12T16:46:00.000-07:00

hey guys.. this is going to be a weird poem, I was in a playful mood so each stanza has a slightly different rhythm and rhyme scheme. Enjoy anyways =p

I grieve for the song that
I can't write just yet
and I grieve for the poetry
that will remain in my head as I
mourn for the passing of
the friendship that was
still
I wait as the sun starts to rise

this light will not shine twice and
this life would not suffice
so we'll journey through life
chasing songs, chasing songs,
searching for the light as I go
keep an eye out for me as you go

i'll sing a sojourner's song
for a stranger who longs
to be settled with me
but the spellbound is free
and I hear as he's carried along
that he's humming a travelling song

smile for me, if you think of me
i'll be wandering happily
just passing through
as i follow my song
pray for me, if you feel like it
if you need me, you know where i am
look for me, i'll be there
still
and i'll sing as the sun starts to rise

#54

2005-07-04T17:38:00.000-07:00

the pathos of cold skin
reminds me of the last time I
danced in the rain

prose for once

2005-06-25T12:15:00.000-07:00

hey =p as you may have been able to tell if you are SUPER perceptive, i have run out of poetry material for the moment. If I have to, i'll delve into the archives and come up with some old stuff... all of it is rather personal, but we'll see how it goes. Well.. I polished war and peace, enduring tolstoy's pedantic if interesting treatises on history and the nature of history and such.. it was 1 in the morning and the book was making me nauseous but the thought of having to read it tomorrow was worse =p so i got it down. I have to talk about natasha rostov, she's the strangest character in the book. She's a young girl, probably about my age... pretty, graceful, a good singer... but her whole personality is so fascinating and magnetic that she charms everyone. It's just so vivid.. and she's so naive and everything to her is either new and wonderful or terrible and heartbreaking. She falls in love at least three times... she seems to be tolstoy's vision of the typical young girl, spellbound by the world around her. Being in love is her natural state, she's impulsive and innocent. It's cool.
lol i'm into tale of genji now.. it's this ancient japanese novel, from like the 10th century. Genji is this amazing, smart, talented, handsome prince =p he's just superlative in everything. Always the best. And the book is about his life... it's really interesting... apparently in ancient japanese culture, everyone was expected to be able to make up tankas on the spot, with clever double entendres and allusions to other poems. It's kind of interesting how women were supposed to meet fixed standards. They were judged on how dignified and proper they were (dignified without being stiff, proper without being cold), the style of their handwriting, the skill of their poetry, their ability to run a household, their taste in clothing and behavior... it's interesting because if they satisfied a man in all those categories, they were a satisfactory woman.. and if not, then it was a flaw that might or might not be overlooked. And in society today... what are women judged on? someone tell me. It all seems so confusing. Am I supposed to be smart so that i can challenge a guy's intellect, or stupid so that he can feel smart? Obviously i'm supposed to be pretty... what about how i dress? I've been criticized by different people for dressing too conservatively or dressing not conservatively enough. My ability to run a household? Guys aren't supposed to care about that anymore =p but it must be a factor, right? It just feels like the basic message i'm getting is that i'm supposed to find a boyfriend and then cater to him. It doesn't matter what I do, as long as it's what he wants. Does anyone else feel like that? It's wierd for me. I ignore it because that's the worldly view, not the Godly one =p but still
toria

#32

2005-06-23T22:07:00.001-07:00

i thought i needed to be dazzled
make me blush, make me faint,
sweep me off my feet,
string words together in phrases
of pure poetry that stay in my mind
like stars
sing me soft into a sweet sleep
and make me think that i'm dreaming
and that i need you because
you perpetuate the dream
ground my life so that without you i'm
shaking and scared
warm my life so that without you i'm
shivering and cold

i thought you needed to be catered to
forgot myself, lowered my voice,
took down my assertive wall
silenced my doubts and fears
learned how to defer, how to
soften the spine i was once so proud of
how to want nothing that you didn't want
forgot what it means to stand up

and then one day it all fell back down
the dream faded around me,
elusive like smoke it flew away from me
the ground under my feet plummeted and
the warmth on my face flickered out like a candle
yet i remained, somehow grew back everything that was
shadowed and subdued
that shadowed and subdued itself
i don't know if i'm bitter or if i regret anything
all i know is i'm not going back

# 43 (jeff)

2005-06-18T23:30:00.000-07:00

his day is full of sparkle and shine
he walks down the halls, living on borrowed time
but he lives it up, takes it for all he can get
it's the only refuge he can take from regret
that swamps him at the end of the day
when the sparkle fades away

his life passes by in the switching of masks
with his friends he's the cool one, the best, and he basks
in the person he turns into when he's around them
but that leaves the time when he's not with his friends
he feels dead, he feels numb, he feels gone
solitary, just waiting for dawn.

it's been a long time since he's been touched this way
since something real came to him and took him away
from his carefully hidden silence and gloom
from the person he is, alone in his room
he sees now that he was asleep
silenced by all of the secrets to keep

his only fear now is that he might fall back
that the light and the air seeping in through the crack
in his armor will leave him and someday he'll fade
that he'll suffocate and he'll wither away
to the ghostly prisoner he knows
surrounded by friends, all alone.

herself

2005-06-17T23:07:00.000-07:00

so in my quest to get back into writing, i'm starting small.. with little... thingies. I do not know what to call them. They're thingies. I have no clue what i'm doing.. but while I wait for a good concept, I shall exercise on these.
She doesn't think they see her. How can they be scrutinizing her so closely, and still not see? She hates that feeling, and she gets it all the time. Sometimes when she's walking down the street, she'll hear a car honk and sometimes, if she's lucky, some guy will put his head out the window and yell something unintelligible. She used to want that to happen. She used to think it was confirmation that someone thought she was worth something, that someone liked the way she looked. But now it makes her angry, because she's made the fatal mistake of learning what she's worth.
She used to take her cues from everything around her, and she was good at it. She could tell what her friends were thinking, her teachers, the people she wanted to impress and the people she wanted to approve of her. She was so good at adapting to what someone else wanted.
But gradually she realized that she was only really comfortable when she wasn't taking hints from anyone else, when she ignored everything and became herself. And now when someone comments on her body, it just makes her realize that they think they see her. They think everything they need to know about her is on the outside, and for that brief second as she walks by, they own her. And that gives them the right to say whatever they want. They think they have the right to judge her, and it doesn't matter if they like what they see, they're missing everything important. And they don't care. To them, she's only worth what she looks like.
She has to shake off that feeling when she gets it. For that second, she feels as cheap as they treat her, and for that second she turns back into the person who takes her cues from other people and lets them tell her what she's worth.
And she turns away and takes a deep breath, she lets her brisk steps take her back to herself.

heidi's blog

2005-06-08T21:13:00.000-07:00

oh, honey. How do you do these crazy opening-up posts? I pride myself on being open and I can't do half the things you do.
ok, ok, ok. Deep breaths, songstress. I can see now how it might be really frustrating to have people post stuff like "stop thinking of yourself as a horrible person! you're a wonderful person!" which is pretty much what I was going to comment. So i shall not. But I CAN volunteer to be that person who keeps you accountable, yes? lol just a suggestion. Of course, 'someone who understands' .. well you would have to enlighten me first, if you want true understanding. But I think i get the picture. All I can offer in the way of help is something God taught me about change. (funny you should mention leslie ludy =p i just ordered that book)
I used to feel really damaged and messed up, as well, in a different way. But it was also quite depressing. You know about all those relationships I've been in, and out of... then in again.. then out of again.. well yeah. After awhile you just feel... kind of stretched and shapeless, like a rubber band that's been pulled too far. And you know about the harassment thing... well yeah in general I just felt damaged. Like I couldn't be new, or fresh, or even fully functional, in relationships anymore. After curt I plummeted into this dark, depressed state where I blamed everything on me. I wanted to believe that i was a terrible girlfriend. I wanted to believe that i deserved that pain and confusion. I had this vicious desire to torment myself and come down on myself, to this day i don't know why. I just couldn't get out of it, sometimes i didn't want to get out of it. And even functioning day to day.. i have problems bonding with friends.. I have issues with trust, with commitment, with depression. I can be very depressing too =p I have issues with self-image.. most of the time I'm ok with my body but sometimes i just absolutely hate it. I wish i could claw off all of the fat.. i scare myself sometimes, when i get in that mood. I have days where i just avoid mirrors. ANYWAYS. Awhile ago I was so down that I just couldn't understand how God could ever heal all of my wounds. Nothing was working. Me, the great independent toria, I couldn't do anything to help myself. Aaron had just decided he'd had enough of my depression and neediness, clearly friends weren't the answer. I felt so, so, helpless and trapped inside my own warped psyche.
And then I remembered God.
When I got home, I picked up the first bible i saw and read this verse - Acts 2:25-27
"David said about him:
" 'I saw the Lord always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
26Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will live in hope,
27because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
28You have made known to me the paths of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence.'"
That's all I've got for you this time. I can't argue with anything you've said. I have to agree with it, because you said it and you should know. But 1) i can help if you want me to =p and 2)God can change all of that. Somehow he transformed me from someone who just couldn't stop herself from getting into relationships... to someone who is looking at waiting YEARS. lol I'm not saying "look at me! I'm perfect!" because I'm so totally not... I just want to give you hope that God can change you, even when nothing else is working, even when you're scared to death that you'll never escape from yourself. lol but i must warn you, he likes to work slowly =p and he likes to work from the inside out. So once you pray to him to change your heart, it might be months, years before you realize that he's slowly, gradually changed things that you didn't even realize he was working on.
as for husbands and boyfriends... refer to my list of 17 Top Reasons You Don't Need A Stinky Old Boyfriend Anyway. I know all of that is hard to remember when you're lonely... i really do. I know loneliness =p but... well... dahhh. Toria has nothing to say. But i love you =p even after reading your blog and absorbing every word. Unconditional love is my gift =p usually it backfires but you're not a boyfriend so i think i'm safe :D
toria

well.

2005-06-05T17:29:00.000-07:00

lol I feel bad for not posting in so long. I feel better now. Yeah.. we just had infuse.. and because I'm a terrible person and because it was in the middle of exam week, it was really hard to get friends to come. As in I couldn't =p lol better luck next time. Sighz.. exams are intense... but I'm sure I'll make it through. As long as I become a chem genius at some point tonight.
shhhh.
yeah.. it's hard to blog right now cuz nothing much is going on... I still have some stuff to get through before I can say everything is fine =p we'll see how it goes.
thanks to everyone who commented or otherwise supported me through that thing =p
toria

2005-06-01T08:26:00.000-07:00

silence was better.

one only

2005-05-31T22:50:00.000-07:00

silence is scarier than anything you could say.
I know something's up.
please, please talk to me.

i can be brave too

2005-05-29T23:07:00.000-07:00

Heyy. Well I decided heidi's post was very brave... and also, apparently, very therapeutic. So.. I shall try it. not to be a biter. Cuz I'm not special enough to get all that feedback =p
Insecurity #1: friends. I love you guys, you know who you are. But I'm bad at friendships. Sometimes i just assume I don't really have friends, just nice people who are willing to hang out sometimes. And that's not cool because then I treat you that way, and distance myself without meaning to. Silly toria. I've ruined a lot of friendships, and given up on them when things got tough, or pushed people away because they hurt me. I lost people i never wanted to lose. So those of you that are left are really valuable to me =p So yeah.. spending time with you, and stuff, is my way of reaching back out. I'm sorry i'm so dysfunctional. It'll get better I promise =p
Insecurity #2: hmm. This is difficult. If it's guys, then it can't be that in the same way it was with heidi. Because I'm not in her situation right now. But.. there are still issues. Like... if you really want something, and it seems to be within your grasp... even THEN you still have to be ready to hand it over to God and let him do whatever he wants, when he asks you for it. We have dubbed the process "being hit over the head". And it's scary. And it's going to keep happening. All of the things I put on the list on heidi's blog are things i struggle with... or would, if I was in a relationship. Time. Money.
Especially alone time. lol I need a lot of time to myself.... I don't really know why. Somtimes I need to write. Sometimes i need to think. Sometimes i just need to not have anyone else around me. Would a boyfriend understand that? Would I still even want to voice my need for that?And yeah.. well for me I can get really stressed about stuff. I might misinterpret stuff that's said to me, or even someone's body language. And I don't want to get stressed out with that person. But the closer you get to someone, the more ability they have to hurt you. Even if they don't want to.
I'm not really worried. Just yeah. See? See how dysfunctional I am? Ohman...
Insecurity #3: guys you know what... this really isn't a blog I can do right now. I'm sure i have insecurities but they are not making themselves known =p I can't list them and talk about them.
Pray for me.

back

2005-05-29T02:52:00.000-07:00

hey guys.. sorry i haven't updated in awhile. Well there's not much to say, stuff in my life is proceeding as normal, and I don't have the time or solitude I need to write a good poem, even though I want to.
So i will use one of heidi's =p
waiting here for you

standing on a street corner let life pass me by
standing on a street corner let love pass me by
can't imagine the day i find you
can't imagine the day that i won't stand here anymore

*as i wait i will write you a love song
'bout the journey i took to find you
as i wait i will sing this sweet love song
until my day my dreams come true
i'll be waiting here for you

lovers pass right by me as i still wait here
others burst out laughing as i dry my tears
can't imagine the day you'll be here
can't imagine the day that i won't stand here anymore

as i wait i believe God will send you
every night i send prayers up to heaven for you
i believe that there will be that day
but for now i'll just let God lead the way

thanks heidi =p
we MUST get together.
I NEED to go shopping. Or see a movie. Or eat.
and TALK.
anything, really. I miss you guys.
toria

i don't GET IT

2005-05-20T22:22:00.000-07:00

God, what the heck? What is going on with you? Why do you keep doing this to me?
You took Candy, you took lilian, and now you want irene? why do you keep taking my friends as fast as i make them? Is that what you want? for me to be alone?
I just don't understand. i thought you wanted the best for me but how can this be the best? why do i always have to be alone? Why do you keep giving me these people and then snatching them away? explain yourself! I accepted it once.. even twice... but this is just too much. I don't know what you expect from me. I thought I knew you. I think there's still faith and love in here somewhere, but i don't know where and I'm too angry to look. I just can't do this anymore. I can't keep reaching out to people and losing them to YOU when you move them where you see fit. So this time when you do your whole mysterious-will-of-God thing, i won't be ready to try again. I won't be picking up any pieces. Don't you understand how much I needed each and every one of them?
I know you understand.
I'm sure this will all work out for the best but don't you see how much this hurts?Why do you keep doing this to me? Well i'm not nearly angry enough, or crazy enough, to leave you because of this... although I don't know when i'll be able to continue. But I just can't keep reaching out. Not after all of this. No more bonds, God, I can't handle it when you break them.
toria